Tyler Perry credited as playing...
Madea
- Mable "Madea" Simmons: [singing] Rock-a-bye baby on the tree top, we're going to the clinic to find out who was on top.
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- Mable "Madea" Simmons: [about her sister, Irene who died] She slept with my husband and I hope she on a slow boat to Hell.
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- Mable "Madea" Simmons: See this
- [Touches her dress]
- Mable "Madea" Simmons: ? Cotton. This
- [Touches Vickie's jacket]
- Mable "Madea" Simmons: . A mess. This
- [Touches Vickie's hair]
- Mable "Madea" Simmons: . Synthetic. Learn ya fabrics baby, learn ya fabrics.
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- Mable "Madea" Simmons: [to Cora] Whoever heard of putting a bra on a dead body? When I die... if you put a bra on me I'll come back and kill you.
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- Mable "Madea" Simmons: [about Cora] She was a big baby, it was like trying to pass a Cadillac, I almost named her Escalade.
- Jackie: Escalade?
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- Leroy Brown: Mable You Look, Ooh, Mable You Look, You Look Like A Fat Energizer Bunny
- Mable "Madea" Simmons: And Brown you look, you look, you look like a rotten fruit roll-up.
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- Tina: When you going back to work, cuz I need my money.
- Mable "Madea" Simmons: What you talking about?
- Tina: [to Jackie] Girl you stupid, you know that money you give Kevin every week for his child support, baby that money comes to me, I'm the baby's mama!
- Jackie: What're you talking about?
- Tina: This is Kevin's baby, add it up, she 7 months, add 9 to that and you'll see that I got pregnant right around the time that y'all got married.
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- Cora: [Madea holds the baby's middle and lets the head drop] Hold her head!
- Mable "Madea" Simmons: This a crack baby, can't nothing hurt her.
- [bumps the baby's head against the house siding]
- Cora: Ow! Madea!
- Mable "Madea" Simmons: She allright, she ain't crying, she ain't crying.
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- Leroy Brown: [Brown comes out with only a towel and a shower cap on] Mable? Where Mable at? Mable?
- Cora: Mr. Brown! Calm down!
- Leroy Brown: Ain't no calm you ain't go be shootin at my dog again! Mable!
- Mable "Madea" Simmons: Brown what the?
- [Madea laughs continuously]
- Mable "Madea" Simmons: Brown what the hell is wrong with you get out my yard. I don't know who got alzheimer's you or your wife? You look a mess! Get the hell outta my yard
- Leroy Brown: You better stop messin-
- [gets cut off by madea]
- Mable "Madea" Simmons: You better get the hell outta my yard monkey!
- Leroy Brown: You know what! Imma call the police on you!
- Mable "Madea" Simmons: Do i look like I'm scared of the po po Brown? Call the po po, I aint scared of the po po!
- Leroy Brown: You got one more time you big ol nasty whale.
- Mable "Madea" Simmons: You the one standing there lookin like a BIG BLACK SEAL.
- [Starts making seal noises]
- Leroy Brown: Mable, you better not fool wit my dog again. Take this boot and bust you upside yo head wit it.
- Mable "Madea" Simmons: Thats a baoot in ya hand I thought it was your arm!
- [Madea starts laughing continuously]
- Mable "Madea" Simmons: Brown, you so black I would shoot ya but your skin just teflon, ain't no bullet go get through it.
- Leroy Brown: You ain't got now another time.
- Mable "Madea" Simmons: Just get the hell outta my yard you pig in a blanket! Go put some lotion on them knee caps!
- Leroy Brown: Ain't nuttin' wrong with my knees, you stink anyway.
- Mable "Madea" Simmons: You the one that's mursty - I can smell you over here.
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- Mable "Madea" Simmons: Cora, these gifts pertain to the wedding night. Gifts pertain to the wedding night.
- Cora: Yes, Yes
- Mable "Madea" Simmons: See thats why I ain't pay for no highly paid stripper cuz they wouldnt know what to do. These gifts pertain to the wetting night you understand?
- Cora: Yes
- Mable "Madea" Simmons: Bachelorette parties, get those kinds of gifts, understand?
- Cora: Yes
- Mable "Madea" Simmons: Ok, now why did you buy her a Holy Bible?
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- Mable "Madea" Simmons: [Brown's going to take a shower] Big Boy can't wear no deodorant, he'll make Speed Stick slow down, make Right Guard turn left, and make Secret, tell it all!
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- Mable "Madea" Simmons: Brown, the spirits speak to me too. They tell me you have not been fasting, but instead you have been eating fast food!
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- Mable "Madea" Simmons: I need a monkey wrench.
- Vickie: [looks at Madea's shopping list] Madea... that is a feminine hygiene product.
- Mable "Madea" Simmons: I don't know what you wrench your monkey with but that's what I wrench mine with.
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- Mable "Madea" Simmons: [confronts Lisa's boyfriend who's been beating her] As soon as you walked in through that gate, you entered America. This is America, I'm George Bush,
- [holds up purse]
- Mable "Madea" Simmons: and I got more weapons than the Taliban right here.
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