- Naomi: Like that bitch needs to be eating dessert anyway.
- Bishop: Naomi... You know, if you ever want counseling in anger management or... alcoholism, I'd be more than glad to do it for you.
- Naomi: You'd do that for me? Thank you, I appreciate that. But I think I'd rather you just wash the fucking dishes and and shut the fuck up! Fucking psychobabble-bullshit asshole!
- Monty's Mom: So I called your house today, at two. You were still asleep, weren't you?
- Monty: That's an understatement.
- Monty's Mom: So what did you do last night? I trust my little angel didn't do anything immoral.
- Monty: Well, ummm... Let's see. I started by getting completely hammered drunk. It was bad. Then drove, while intoxicated, to pick up this disease-infested hooker.
- Monty's Mom: Uh huh...
- Monty: From there... uh, let's see. Me and the hooker went back to my place...
- Monty's Mom: The hooker and I.
- Monty: Excuse me. The hooker and I went back to my place and from there... God, it was just a blur of intravenous drug abuse and unprotected sex, while taking the Lord's name in vain.
- Monty's Mom: Dean, did you know that when Monty was a child everyone thought he was retarded?
- Monty: Dean, doesn't my mom look old? I mean, much older than she rightfully should?
- Monty's Mom: So why aren't you and Serena still together? I liked her.
- Monty: I don't know. I guess it got old. We had a relationship based on orgasms.
- Monty's Mom: Oh, how charming. You are being safe aren't you? I don't think I could handle the idea of you reproducing.
- Monty: Come on, mom! Of course I'm being safe. I pull out.
- Monty's Mom: Yes, well your father pulled out too but we've all seen the tragic end of that story.
- Monty: You think I wanna have kids? Absolutely not! That's why I stick to anal sex.
- Monty's Mom: If only I had been so lucky.
- Monty: [using a Forrest Gump voice] Momma said they's my magic shoes. Mama said they would take me anywhere. 'Course Mama used to beat me with a rubber hose and call me a retard.
- Naomi: I hate this fucking place sometimes, you know. Why the fuck do we need four more people on at this time of day, man? Look at this place, it's fucking dead! I swear, Dan needs to clean the *shit* out of his fucking brain sometimes, man. Fucking asshole. What are you looking at, fuck-wad?
- Monty: You know, we should probably feel guilty, but she broke the cardinal rule: Don't fuck with people that handle your food.
- Mitch: [after being interrupted yet again, Mitch has had enough] Hey turn down the music for minute... Hey would you turn down the music?
- Kid at Stereo: Dude, chill.
- Mitch: Would you turn down the fucking music for a minute! Jesus!
- [Mitch turns the power off on the stereo and turns to everyone]
- Mitch: This is fucking bullshit! I have been here all goddamned day and you haven't let me say one thing! None of you!
- Monty: Well, damn, Mitch, I...
- Mitch: Oh, no, asshole! You shut the fuck up now. It's my turn to talk! You're all fucked in the head! All of you! I mean you.
- [points at Naomi]
- Mitch: Change your fuckin' tampon and have another drink you crazy, fuckin' bitch!
- [Points at Dean]
- Mitch: And you! "Waaahh, I don't know what to be when I grow up!" Join the fucking army or something! Goddamn.
- [Points at Calvin]
- Mitch: Oh, and you! You know what? You're too easy. And you.
- [Points to Monty]
- Mitch: FUCK YOU MONTY! Always gotta be right, with your little quips! We get it, man. You're fuckin' edgy and cool. Yeah! You're the coolest fuckin' guy at Shenaniganz! WHOOO! That's like being the smartest kid with Down syndrome! Oh and, oh, yeah. Why aren't you in jail? I mean what
- [looks at Natasha]
- Mitch: are you like 13, 14?
- Monty: She's almost 18.
- Mitch: You know what? Fuck this! You all suck. I quit.
- [Goes to leave and gets to the door and turns around]
- Mitch: Oh, and yeah. There is one more thing.
- [Points at Floyd]
- Mitch: You... You are the biggest piece of shit in this entire restaurant.
- [Floyd looks around to see if Mitch is actually talking to him]
- Mitch: And I hope you burn in hell.
- Floyd: Me? What the fuck did I do to you, man? Seriously?
- Raddimus: [Mitch pulls down his pants and everyone says "Oh shit!] The goat! The goat, you bastard!
- Mitch: [Mitch pulls up his pants and opens the door and walks out] Fuckin' faggots.
- Monty: That was the shit!
- [he runs out after Mitch]
- Monty: Mitch! Mitch! Stop please. Look, look. Stop, stop. Okay I am sorry, and I hearby swear my undying allegiance to you. You are the fucking man.
- Bishop: So, when things in your life become stagnant - you know, you're no longer happy with what you're doing - then you figure out what's important to you. Then create your own penis-showing game.
- Raddimus: [after explaining the various positions of the game] You can't forget this, all right? You got to call them a fag, okay? The game loses all its meaning if you don't humiliate them for being a fucking meat gazer, you got that?
- Monty: With women, there are really only two options. Either she doesn't sleep with you and there's really no reason to ever call her again. Or she does sleep with you... and there's really no reason to ever call her again.
- Monty: [Standing in bathroom stall with his bare torso exposed] I know what you're thinking now. You think we're all gay, don't you? Think we're all just a bunch of deviant lifestyle-living same-sex having motherfuckers, am I right?
- Mitch: Yeah.
- Monty: Well, listen. You can put that faggoty baby to bed right now. None of the guys that work here are gay.
- [gets dressed]
- Monty: I mean, I'll stick my finger up my ass every now and again when I'm feeling squirrely, but that's about the extent of it.
- Redneck: I'll have a shot of whiskey and a double shot of whiskey. She'll have a water. Ah, hell, it's our anniversay. Why don't you bring her a Pepsi.
- Dan: Ma'am, I don't doubt the steak was over-cooked, but did you have to eat it all before you complained about it?
- Bishop: Mitch, I want you to do a couple things for me. First, I want you to observe very closely your surroundings, today. Take everything in. Leave no stone unturned. Can you do that for me? Then, I want you to think about what your life would be like, if you had been born blind.
- Dan: [catching the bus boys slacking] Okay, Nicholas, Theodore. Boys. It doesn't take ten minutes to take out the trash. Now, if you don't get your asses out front and start doing some work, I'm going to fire you faster than you can say, 'Yo, MTV Raps.'
- Calvin: Come on guys, this is bull crap. Where the hell's my chicken sandwich?
- Floyd: [Picks up chicken with tongs, drops in on the prep board. Points tongs over counter at Calvin] Fuck you, bitch!
- Calvin: What the hell did I do to you, Floyd?
- Floyd: [Using chicken and tongs as microphone, sings] Eat at Shenaniganz, Enjoy your food. Eat at Shenaniganz, Calvin works here!
- Calvin: Oh, that's hardly sanitary.
- Dean: [to Monty, regarding Calvin] No, wait a minute. You have to *get* the pussy before you can be whipped by it.
- Redneck: I should get a hat...
- Dan: Yes, sir.
- Redneck: And a key chain...
- Dan: Yes, sir.
- Redneck: And how about a couple of free sundaes?
- Dan: Yes, sir. I'll have Natasha take down your information and we'll have corporate headquarters send that right out.
- Redneck: What, are you gonna' to mail me a sundae? I want it now goddamnit!
- Monty: You see I don't, I don't work with any exact boundaries of the law because I wasn't consulted when the god damn laws were made. No, instead nameless, faceless politicians, the so called protectors of the moral majority decide what is right and what is wrong. I mean come on. I govern my life around my own personal code of ethics, and I suggest that you do the same. That way if, within the constructs of my own morality, I were to do something that is considered illegal, so be it. I feel no guilt whatsoever and furthermore, if I were to buckle under the social weight of the system by adhering to laws that I do not truly believe in then I would be extinguishing the very fire of patriotism and individuality. So in sense, by having sex with Natasha, I'd be preserving the rights our four fathers fought and died for, right.
- Serena: [to Monty] The only real pleasure I ever got from having sex with you came from making fun of it later with my friends. Tell him, Amy.
- Amy: It's true, we laughed a lot at your expense.
- Serena: So you know how when your walking past a group of people, you hear them laughing, you sometimes get that paranoid self-conscious feeling? Maybe they're laughing about you when they're really not? Well, in your case, they really are.
- [blows kiss and walks away; long pause]
- Monty: God, I love her.
- Serena: [talking to Monty] So... you know how when you're walking by a group of people, and you hear them laughing, you sometimes get that paranod, self- conscious feeling that maybe they're laughing about you, when they're really not? Well in your case, they really are.
- [blows kiss exasperatedly]
- Monty: I must say there's nothing more attractive than tainted youth. Yes, I am indeed a pervert. Does that offend you?
- Natasha: Nope, I think most tainted youths end up being perverts.
- Monty: Good fucking answer!
- Natasha: Oh and Monty, just so you know, I'm only a minor for another week. I turn eighteen on Wednesday.
- Monty: Well, then I guess I better hurry up then. I don't have much time.
- Monty: There are few things in this world more unsettling than going in the back to grab some condiments and end up staring at a huge, steaming pile of cock.
- [shudders]
- Nick: [Rapping During Credits] While you're sitting at home livin' off ramen noodles, I'm in my Lexus finger bangin' poodles.
- Naomi: You really want to know why?
- Monty: Yes I really do.
- Naomi: Ok Ill tell you why. Its because of THIS!
- [jumps on the barstool and lifts her skirt]
- Calvin, Mitch, Monty: OH! MY GOD!
- Naomi: Yea! Bang! Pow! Pow! Pow!
- Monty: Its so angry!
- Naomi: [screeches and hisses like cat]
- Calvin: Oh GOD does that thing have its shots? Put it away! Just put iy away!
- Naomi: Dinner is served!
- Calvin: Well its official, my penis is now just for show.
- Monty: Mitch you picked a FUCKED up night to start working here.
- Mitch: So you're the coolest guy at ShenaniganZ, big fucking deal! That's like being the smartest person with Down Syndrome!
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