Robin Williams Live on Broadway (2002 TV Special)

Robin Williams: Self

Photos 

Quotes 

• Robin Williams : [talking about the invention of golf]  Here's my idea for a fucking sport. I knock a ball in a gopher hole. "Like pool" Fuck off pool, not with a straight stick, with a little fucked up stick. I whack a ball its goes in a gopher hole. "Oh you mean like croquet?" "Fuck croquet. I put the hole hundreds of yards away. Oh fuck of ya, "Oh like a bowling thing?" "Fuck no, Not straight I put shit in the way. Like trees and bushes and high grass. So you can lose you fucking ball. And go whacking away with a fucking tire iron. Whacking away, and each time you miss you feel like you'll have a stroke. Fuck that's what we'll call it, a stroke, cause each time you miss you feel like you're gonna fuckin die. Oh great, oh and here's the better part oh fuck this is brilliant. Right near the end I'll put a little flat piece with a little flag to give you fucking hope. But then I'll put a little pool and a sand box to fuck with your ball again. Ay, you'll be there cracking you ass, jacking away in the sand, "oh and you do this one time?" "Fuck no. 18 fucking times."

• Robin Williams : Who are we looking for? We are looking for Osama Bin-Laden, one of fifty-two children. Even Freud would say, "He has issues." What does he look like without the beard? I don't know. Howard Stern? Barbra Streisand? I don't care. But I do know this. He is a six-foot-five Arab on dialysis. Why is that so fucking hard to find? "Look for somebody attached to their luggage!"

• Robin Williams : Congress recently approved the covert plan to assassinate Saddam Hussein. So what they've done is PUBLICLY approve the secret plan to assassinate Hussein. I wonder if he knows?

• [commenting on 9/11] 

  Robin Williams : When this whole thing happened, I thought the Statue of Liberty would change. Instead of "Give me your tired and your poor," it would be her with a baseball bat going "You want a piece of me."

• Robin Williams : We will all be dead and gone, but Keith

  [Richards] 

  Robin Williams : will still be there with five cockroaches. He'll be going, "I smoked your uncle, did ya know that? Fucking crazy..."

• Robin Williams : Two weeks ago, the Supreme Court banned the execution of retarded people. People in Texas are going, "Shit, where's the fun in that?" Man, they were zapping retarded people every other week. It would be like, "OK, go sit on Santa's lap, Timmy." BZZT.

• Robin Williams : I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the gates of Heaven where George Washington comes out, says, "How dare you defile what I have created," and starts whaling on his ass, then 70 other members of the Continental Congress come out and start kicking the shit out of him. Osama will say, "Hey, wait! Where are my virgins?" "71 *Virginians*, you asshole!" "I must talk to Jesus Christ! Where is Jesus Christ?" And St. Peter goes, "Hey Jesus, did you call a cab? Come here!"

  [combination of boos and cheers from audience] 

  Robin Williams : I heard it! Finally the PCs! We crossed the politically correct line! It was okay to beat the shit out of him, but don't do the ethnic joke!

  [hisses] 

  Robin Williams : How Buddhist of you! Yes!

• Robin Williams : Jesus was an only child, and thank God, because who would want to be Jerry, the brother of Christ?

  [pauses] 

  Robin Williams : That's a tough gig. I'd imagine he ends up in a bar at the age of 30 going:

  [drunk voice] 

  Robin Williams : "Yeah, I'm Jerry Christ, whoop dee doo. Jesus is a carpenter, I'm a plumber; you do the math! Yeah, I healed someone. Come here Spot, heel! Look at that!" And people tell me Jesus wasn't Jewish... of course he was Jewish! Thirty years old, single, living at home with his parents, come on. Working in his father's business, his mother thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish, *give it up!* It's an old tradition! And he was Jewish, and many of his Disciples were Jewish. But, for the Last Supper, would they not have gone out for Chinese? I think so.

  Robin Williams : [Chinese accent]  'Welcome to Yahweh. Hold on one minute; no service, no sandals. Okay, you come in now. Twelve, all I got is two tables of six. Wait a minute, you all sit here by the window, but you all have to face this way.

  [Reference to the Last Supper by DaVinci] 

  Robin Williams : Hold on! You are glowing, so I guess we don't need that lamp, that's very nice! And you've just turned a Szechwan chicken into a live chicken, you very good!'

  [Reverent voice] 

  Robin Williams : And that night, he said, "One of you shall betray me." And Peter said, "Is it me, Jesus?" And Jesus turned to him and said, "No, it is not you Peter." And Simon said, "Is it me, Jesus?" And Jesus said, "No, it is not you Simon." And Judas asked, "Is it me, Jesus?" And Jesus turned to him, and said,

  Robin Williams : [Jesus with heavy sarcasm]  *"Is it me, Jesus?"* And now you see two traditions beginning: Jewish sarcasm and Gentile humor. Together born! At that main moment!

• Robin Williams : I know there's a cure for bio terrorism or whatever it is, and I know it lies within Keith Richards. He is the only man on the planet who can go "Anthrax?"

  [sniffs] 

  Robin Williams : All RIGHT... This'll go great with my e-coli" Keith is the only man who can make the Osbornes look fucking Amish.

• [On "The Luge," a winter sport] 

  Robin Williams : What drunken, German gynecologist invented this sport? What guy went, "I want to dress like a sperm, shove an ice skate up my ass, and ride balls first down an ice chute. Ya. That would be fun." ?

• [On the not-so-hardcore security on the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco] 

  Robin Williams : At one end, a Hummer and two National Guardsmen, at the other end, a Hummer and two National Guardsmen. The problem is that the Hummer and the National Guardsmen are wearing jungle camouflage. For those of you who have never been to San Francisco, the bridge is bright orange. I just feel like going:

  [a la Elmer Fudd] 

  Robin Williams : Be very, very quiet. We're wooking for tewwowists. He He He He He He He.

• Robin Williams : You have to remember, John Ashcroft is a man who LOST to a dead man in Missouri. The choices were clear: John Ashcroft, Dead Man. And everyone in Missouri is going, "Sorry, Johnny. The dead man scares me less than you do."

• Robin Williams : All these names in the Bible were very Jewish. You had Noah, Moses, Zebedee, and then we get Mary and Joe. Only a hyphenate away from Mary-Jean and Joe-Bob. We could have had Jim-Bob, the son of God. We could've all been in church singing,

  [singing] 

  Robin Williams : Praise to him, Jim-Bob! He who finds us stuff and gets me a job! JIM-BOB!

• Robin Williams : This is brought to you by HBO, which is a subsidiary of Time Warner, also owned by America Online. You've got mail! I hope you don't have stocks.

• Robin Williams : I want a drug that encompasses it *all.* We'll call it "Fukitol."

  [pronounced "fuck-it-all"] 

  Robin Williams : I don't feel anything. I don't care for anything. Fukitol. The closest thing you'll ever be to being in a coma: Fukitol. I'm sitting here in my own dung. Fukitol.

• Robin Williams : [imitating Moses leading the Jews out of Egypt]  'Hello! Let's not wait for the bread to rise! Take the crackers and the skin off your penis, we're leaving!'

  [as a Jewish citizen] 

  Robin Williams : 'Excuse me, why the skin off our penises?'

  [as Moses] 

  Robin Williams : 'We're traveling, people, you don't want sand in there. Let's go!'

• [commenting on the Swiss] 

  Robin Williams : Ya. The nice Germans. Or, as they call themselves, "the other white race."

• Robin Williams : And what was in those packages? Pop-Tarts, peanut butter, and all you need is a honey-baked ham and you'll have a redneck Christmas.

  [as redneck] 

  Robin Williams : "Who dropped the honey-baked ham?"

  [as redneck relative] 

  Robin Williams : "Shhh!!! Idiot!"

• [commenting on terrorists] 

  Robin Williams : We're dealing with fundamentalists... the Amish are fundamentalists, but they don't try and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. And, if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man with his hand buried in a horse's ass, that's a mechanic. Remember that.

• Robin Williams : [talking about airport security]  They take the knitting needles from the eighty-year-old woman, 'Why, cause I'm gonna knit an Afghan?' Give 'em to me! And they're patting the little boy down, and he's going, 'What are you doing? You're not a priest, let go of me!'

  Robin Williams : [Audience cracks up and cheers, a few boos can be heard]  I see! You've had a problem too, I guess. Father pats little boys down, like, 'Good game! Good game! Wash up Timmy, really wash up!' What they need, is a little shock collar for problem priests. 'You know Timmy, I think-Ow! Tommy, I-Ow, hurt me!' Or the automated confessional, could be fun. 'If this is a venal sin, press one. If this is a carnal sin, press two. If this is cardinal law, please stay on the line.' Cause you have to remember, it's not just a sin, it's a *felony!* So we have to keep track!

• Robin Williams : For those playing the home game, this is called a Prince Albert. And I'm sure that was his last wish. I'm sure Albert said, "Victoria, I'm dying. I want you to name a museum, a performance hall, and a bolt through the cock after me. That will be Victoria's secret. Go, my darling! Go sell thongs to people like that little anal floss. Go, go, go, my dear!"

• Robin Williams : The manly sport of golf where you can dress like a pimp and no one will care. You can wear clothes that even a blind gay man would go, "oh dear christ. Those are loud this is not carnivale what the fuck are you on?" Even the alligators going, "Asshole". It's such an exciting, athletic sport too. Whack the ball, get in the cart. Whack the ball, get in the cart. And the commentary is electrifying. Just this side of curdling for getting me going. "I'm on the third green now. Could people be quieter I'd like to hear the grass grow." I want the guy who does mexican soccer to do golf one time. "He's hit the ball. The ball is going into the, HOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEE!" just to see all those old waspy motherfuckers go, "Oh dear Christ. My god, they're not gardening they're playing now."

• Robin Williams : [in a French accent]  Look! I'm giving a cigarette to baby. Do it! Suck on this cigarette my darling life is shit. Get to know this. Oh you Americans, 'don't give the cigarette to the baby.' Fuck you Americans. Americans, with your Political Correct - Americans, fuck all of you! You cultureless crap, Americans! We hate all of you! Oh fuck all - Ah! The Germans are here! Hello Americans! Welcome back, Americans! It's alright! You can build a Disneyland near Paris! We won't go, but build it! And you can have a Minnie Mouse with armpit hair! Smoking a gauloise going, "I never loved Mickey, you know that. What, he has three fingers. What am I, a bowling ball? Fuck off!"

• Robin Williams : [talking about the '71 dark-haired virgins' being translated as '71 crystal-clear raisins']  Imagine some guy blows himself up and goes to the gates of Heaven saying 'Where are my bitches?' 'Here are your raisins!'

• Robin Williams : [about the Swiss]  How can you trust an army... how butch is an army that has a wine opener on the end of its knife?

  [as a drill sergeant] 

  Robin Williams : "Many of you men have never opened chardonnay under fire! First take out the corkscrew, say, 'meat or fish', then throw!

  [to the tune of the Duckworth Chant] 

  Robin Williams : I don't know, but I've been told / Chardonnay must be served cold!"

• Robin Williams : I have one question for the ladies: Do we look like this?

• Robin Williams : The poor Canadian snowboarder, in the 1998 Olympics, they took away his medal because he tested positive for marijuana, which is kinda redundant number one, number two, they said that marijuana was a "performance-enhancing drug".

  [buzzer sound] 

  Robin Williams : Marijuana enhances many things, colors, flavors, sensations, but you are certainly not fucking empowered. When you're stoned, you're lucky if you can find your own goddamn feet. The only way it's a performance-enhancing drug is if there's a big fucking Hershey bar at the end of the run. Then you'll be like a Swiss ski jumper going, "I'm there!"

• Robin Williams : [on the CIA's vague terror warnings]  Every now and then, Rumsfeld will come out and say,

  [very serious voice] 

  Robin Williams : "I don't know where. I don't know when. But something awful's going to happen. Thank you, that's all for today, no further questions." Well, could you give us a clue? What is this, the Central *Intuitive* Agency now? Are you working with Miss Cleo?

  Robin Williams : [Miss Cleo's 'Jamaican' accent]  'Oh, no baby! I don't know where, I don't know when, but sometin awful's gonna happen! And definitely don't marry that fat man; he only wants you for your money, girl!'

  Robin Williams : People are suing Miss Cleo for fraud. I'm like, "fucking duh!" What, do you need a blind tarot card reader before you go, 'Ah ha!' First of all, if she's a psychic, why does she need a fuckin' phone number, number one. Number two, and that fake Jamaican accent? If she was a real psychic, she'd be one of those Louisiana psychics, like, 'You gonna die! Come on now!' It's like buying hair care products by Cher. She's wearing a wig, you idiot! What you do, is you take that abdominal thing, that helps you lose weight while it shocks your fat ass sitting watching television. I'm getting six-pack-abs by knocking my testicles around! No, what you do, is you strap that to your head. And say, *I WILL NOT BUY STUPID SHIT FOR NO REASON!* Anymore!

• Robin Williams : Cut the foreplay, let's have ice fucking.

• Robin Williams : [on ice skating]  And then there's pairs figure skating, and one very special lift where the male skater goes HUMPH

  [thrusts his hand up in the air] 

  Robin Williams : right here!

  [grabs his crotch] 

  Robin Williams : . And I'm like "cut the foreplay, let's have ice-fucking, c'mon!"

  Robin Williams : [pantomimes various skating and sexual positions around the stage]  Oh yes, up, around, nipples across, and... behold, she holds on without her hands!

  [spins in place with his arms out] 

  Robin Williams : Yes! Oh! Even the French judge would go "I like it". I don't care, I'm giving them the medal, fuck the Canadians. So fabulous!

• Robin Williams : [on the animals at the zoo]  Because they're not happy! Even our most docile creatures like Ling-Ling the Panda, she must mate so you can build a wing on the zoo. So they go to China, and they anesthetize a panda, which is kinda redundant, and bring him back to America, and give him a name like Ping-Pong, aw. When his Chinese name was "Mushu Ka Huh", Bear with Balls of Steel. And they put him in the cage with Ling-Ling and say "Go mate", and he looks at her like..."I would never fuck her. That is one ugly panda bitch. If you were a panda, you would know that's the ugliest fucking panda bitch there is. I would not fuck her with a koala's dick. Fuck off. I would rather lick my own balls than fuck that panda bitch. Mm-mm."

• Robin Williams : And you can't bomb the Afghanis back to the stone age because they'll think, "Upgrade. Fun."

• Robin Williams : Get out of here, you goofy little Canadian bastard eh.

• Robin Williams : Canada's like a loft apartment over a really great party.

• Robin Williams : God gave man a penis and a brain. And only enough blood to run one at a time.

• Robin Williams : When did Ted Kennedy become Jabba the Hutt? He's huge! You're a Kennedy, not a Macy's Day float! Bring him down! We're voting!

• Robin Williams : Some of the worst refereeing was in the Winter Olympics with the French figure skater. The judges were like, "The Americans were good, but the French, zay fucked up. How lifelike, I give it to zem." And it's at that point that I'm going, "Where is Tonya Harding when you need her?" Tonya would've been on that guy like shit on velcro! She would've gone, "Give me that medal you French whore! Ha ha ha ha ha! I won!" But instead, we get to see Tonya fight Paula Jones in an all white trash weekend. Woowee! Trailer Park Tuesday! And Tonya went right for Paula, too. She went for the nose. "Not the nose! That's the Clinton money!" Next week, we'll be seeing Joey Buttafucco fight John Wayne Bobbit. There'll be no hitting below the belt there my friend. "Oh, fuck, man, give it back! My balls are in the front row! Give 'em to me!" And what next? "The Nixon daughters battle for the library money! Be there as my bitches go at it!"

• [On Mike Tyson biting somebody] 

  Robin Williams : I'm saying "You're lucky he just bit somebody. Mike just got out of prison; you're lucky he didn't FUCK him."

• [On the Irish] 

  Robin Williams : Not only will you kick my ass, but you'll sing about it, afterwards. "Oh, the night you said my wife was fat, I knocked you down and shit in your hat."

• Robin Williams : [Impersonating Charlton Heston]  Guns don't kill people... APES with guns kill people.

• Robin Williams : You're 50! And can they make a drug to help you through all of that, to keep all of your organs intact until your golden years? No. Can they make a drug to give you mental clarity to your golden time? No. They've got a drug to make you harder than Chinese algebra!

• Robin Williams : And now we find out, that Winston Churchill, one of the greatest orators of all time, may have been so fucked up on cognac and champagne, that he didn't do some of his great speeches. They were done by a man from the BBC who also did Winnie the Pooh. 'We will fight them on the beaches, in the air, on the land! Eeyore and Tigger!' And, he was fighting against Hitler! A man who a book recently declared was a homosexual, and I always thought *this* was a clue!

  [does the Nazi Party salute] 

  Robin Williams : That and the leather and the dancing!

  [goosesteps around stage] 

• Robin Williams : Now Martha Stewart may become somebodys bitch. NO! SAY IT AINT SO!

• Robin Williams : *Shhh!*

  [whispering] 

  Robin Williams : There's a gay mafia! *Shhh!* The Mauve Hand... the Fairy Godfather:

  [lisping Italian voice] 

  Robin Williams : "Does this pistol make my ass look big?" *Shhh!*

• Robin Williams : And people ask "Why are we dropping Pop-Tarts and Peanut butter on Afghanistan?" Number 1: tastes a shit-load better than dirt. Number 2: it is very difficult to make a call to Gihad with a mouth full of peanut butter. Secondly, or thirdly, for those of you keeping track; Afghanistan is a Hashish smoking culture. And anyone who's ever been a friend of the Hooklah is going *Pop-Tarts*!

• Robin Williams : I'm an Episcopal, which is Catholic Lite. It's like same religion, half the guilt.

• Robin Williams : [on soccer]  America made it, we made it to the 16 baby, WHOOEEE! We're no longer in the Special Olympics category! They used to see us and go:

  [in a mocked French voice] 

  Robin Williams : Oh, give it to them, they're damaged people.

• Robin Williams : Notice this, my friends - W doesn't speak while Cheney's drinking water. Check that shit out.

• Robin Williams : You must look at it from a historical perspective, though. He's George the second, the boy king, a man we thought could only lose, but somehow won because of confused Hebrews.

• Robin Williams : [talking about Fundamentalists]  In the beginning, Genesis, 'let there be light.' Could that be a metaphor for the Big Bang?

  [hillbilly voice] 

  Robin Williams : 'No. God just went click.'

  [imitates flipping a light switch] 

  Robin Williams : So you're saying we're all descended from Adam and Eve, we're all cousins?

  [confident hillbilly voice] 

  Robin Williams : 'That's right!'

  [imitates playing banjo] 

• Robin Williams : [as Moses]  Come on, people, let's go, we're leaving. Don't eat the shellfish! I'll tell you why later.

• Robin Williams : And every year the French go, "He is on chemicals." And I'm going, "It's chemotherapy, you little toad suckers." "Okay, he has one testicle, he's aerodynamic. Everyone, cut off your balls. You'll be quicker. Do it. Don't be afraid."

• Robin Williams : Michael Jackson's claiming racism, I'm like "Honey, you gotta pick a race first!" What, are you suing for mistreatment of elves, what are you saying? Girl, you gotta pick a gender too! You were Diana Ross, now you just left it all behind! Weren't you the one who said, 'Cut me, sue me, woo!' Movin' right along! And Michael, you're not, you're not a freak... you're just, surgically enhanced. And you've spent more money than the Vatican, so let's not talk about that right now! Shhhh! In Neverland, there's a sign that says, 'You must be this high to ride Michael!'

  Robin Williams : [Audience cracks up at this mean, but funny crack]  Obviously, the lawyers at HBO are going, "Fuck!"

  [Pantomimes writing a check] 

  Robin Williams : But how fucked up would you have to be for Al Sharpton to go, 'I'm outta here!' If Al Sharpton bails on your ass, even rats would go, 'Man, that guy's queer!'

• [singing] 

  Robin Williams : Oh Kenny Boy. The Feds, the Feds are calling. Woke up Monday morning and my stocks were gone. The Enron-ron-ron, the Enron-ron!

  [as a pirate] 

  Robin Williams : Welcome, boys and girls, to Disney's new ride, Investment Pirates of the Caribbean! Your money checks in but it doesn't check out!

• Robin Williams : I do know there is one country that does not have a secret weapons lad in the mountains, that is not planning some horrible weapon of mass destruction: Jamacia

  [imitates a Jamacian accent] 

  Robin Williams : I-we man! Jamacia would never make an atomic bomb! We may make an atomic *bong*. When the atomic bomb goes off, there's devestation and radiation. The atomic bong goes off, there *celebration*!

• Robin Williams : Is it me, or are cat's drag queens? I think they are. It's the way they go, 'Who loves Kitty?'

• Robin Williams : Why get your tongue pierced? And she says, "To enahthe the thekthual thtimulathon."

• Robin Williams : And if you are in a jihad and you kill an infidel, which, I'm sorry to say is all of us, and you yourself die, you will go up to the gates of heaven where you will be greeted by seventy-one dark-haired virgins. And anyone who has been with one virgin is going,

  [side-of-mouth comment] 

  Robin Williams : "I don't know!"

  [as virgin twit] 

  Robin Williams : "For my talent portion!" No, no, no! But recently, there was an article in the New York Times, the Koran scholars tell us that the actual translation is not 71 dark-haired virgins, but 71 crystal-clear raisins... slight difference of interpretation, really! That's so strange, it's like, "thou shalt not kill," is "thou shalt not wear a kilt!" And the Scots are going, "Fuck off!"

• Robin Williams : In Houston, we got Enron Field. "We were gonna call it Fifth Amendment Field, but fuck... We can't call it "We're Fucked" Field."

• Robin Williams : They don't even bother drug-testing the snowboarders, they just go "Get the fuck out."

• Robin Williams : [on the Pledge of Allegiance]  I've got a cure for this: "One nation, under Canada, above Mexico." But then you have that whole thing where you have anthems like, "Someone bless America!" And on the dollar bill, instead of "in God we trust", "in Gates we trust." Mr Gates, when did you realize you were creating a monopoly? "Monopoly's just a game, Senator... I'm trying to control the fucking world. Don't you see? Windows Millennium? Windows Millennium Me? It's all leading up to Information Technology. Soon it will be Total Information Technology: TIT. And while you're sucking on the TIT, I have you by the motherboard!"

• Robin Williams : God bless you Canadian people. You're so fucking nice eh.

• Robin Williams : "I go to boxing to watch the sport of boxing." That's like saying, "I go to stock car races to see people take left turns all day." No, you go to boxing to see somebody get the FUCK beaten of 'em.

• Robin Williams : The entire world will be in nuclear war, and only the Swiss will be going, "Vhat's that noise?"

• Robin Williams : It doesn't scare me that Dubya waved at Stevie Wonder; that's okay. Stevie's only been blind since birth! He's like, 'Stevie!' and Stevie's going, 'Is that muthafucka waving at me? Goddamn! Does he think I'm lookin' for him? Goddamn!' No, what scares me is that Dubya almost died from a fucking pretzel! They have billions of dollars in national defense. They want billions more, to up the stakes, and the President almost goes down from snack food! Secret service are like 'Game's over man!' 'Gilligan's down! Gilligan's down! His own dogs didn't care! They were licking him for the salt!

  [Pantomime's Bush's dog licking his face] 

  Robin Williams : You want a dog like Lassie, a dog who cares!

  [Pantomimes Lassie giving Bush Heimlich maneuver, then barks] 

  Robin Williams : What's a matter, girl? President swallowed something, and you gave him the Heimlich?

  [Barks] 

  Robin Williams : What else, girl?

  [Feeble woof] 

  Robin Williams : Mr. Cheney's meeting with the Enron people?

  [Barks again] 

  Robin Williams : An Enron employee, secretary of the navy?

  [Barks again] 

  Robin Williams : What about the Harken loan?

  [Barks] 

  Robin Williams : Sorry girl, gonna have to put you down!

• Robin Williams : Canadian money is also called "The looney". How can you take an economic crisis seriously? "The looney is down!" "Oh, how thad for you!"

• Robin Williams : And everyone said there was bad refereeing, and some of them may have been paid off. Oh, shit! Say it ain't so! You're saying the Oscars are also political? Oh, fuck off!

• Robin Williams : And for Jerusalem, right now, I have a plan, it's an interesting plan. It's called a timeshare, like Miami, let's try that. Jews will get Hanukah and Passover, Christians will get Christmas and Easter, and Muslims will get Ramadan and that other holiday, Kaboom. Now... obviously, the people in the lawyers section for HBO are going Oh, fuck off. What are you doing, you asshole.

• [impersonating Martha Stewart] 

  Robin Williams : I like to consider it more like "severe companion." If you only have one room, and I like to call it my "private space," use the light well. You know. You have vertical bars, don't use horizontal blinds. Also, think of your ankle bracelet as an accessory.

• Robin Williams : Now we have shows like THE CHAMBER, THE CHAIR, and FEAR FACTOR. People in Texas are going "We got those shows, WE JUST DON'T FILM THEM.

• Robin Williams : If ya want a linguistic adventure, go drinkin' with a Scotsman. 'Cause ya couldn't fucking understand them before...

• Robin Williams : There's a few soccer fans, the rest of you are like, "Uh, that's like football without pads, right?" For the rest of the world, it's football. For us, it's "A strange sport, played by damaged people."

• [commenting on airport and plane security] 

  Robin Williams : Airport security used to be like, BEEP, 'Okay, get on the plane. What's that, oh, that's a gun. Okay, get on the plane!' You could carry a four-inch blade on a plane. That's about that long. Now, you can't even take a nail-clipper on a plane. What, are they afraid you're gonna go "ALL RIGHT! Hand over the plane or the bitch loses a cuticle! I have a nail file! I can be irritating!" What, are they afraid you're gonna do a little West Side Story? "Going down the aisle! Crazy aisle!"

• Robin Williams : And then we drop BOMBS... food... FOOD... bombs... and, here's the fun part: some of the bombs were little yellow bombs... and the food packages were little yellow packages. So now you're playing "Survivor: The Real Game."

• Robin Williams : Gandhi didn't have his own line of products, he didn't have 'Gandhi Jeans', whether you're not eating or simply telling the English to get the fuck out, 'Gandhi Jeans', come in sizes one and below.

• [On soccer] 

  Robin Williams : Everyone plays it. Not like the World Series, 'cause the French don't have a baseball team. If they did,

  [with French accent] 

  Robin Williams : they would only have left field and no one would be safe.

• Robin Williams : And you have to tell people, "Don't open your mail." "Why?" "There's white powder in envelopes." "Really? Your mother and I used to look for white powder in envelopes! Yeah, we weren't online, we *did* lines, my friend! Yeah, and there were ninjas on the fucking lawn trying to kill us!" And now, they *are* trying to kill us. And that's why I bought a gas mask. I thought, "I'll be fine, I got a gas mask," but then I thought, "Wait a minute. I can't even put on a condom on with this thing." You know that thing where you go, "Hey, baby. Yeah, I got a... I got a love glove right here.

  [struggles] 

  Robin Williams : I'll be with you in a second. No, no! Don't go away on me, man! We're playing 'Beat the Cock!'" And there's your penis like a midget in a diving suit. "I don't think we're going in today, Pete. We didn't make the deadline."

• Robin Williams : Everybody's worried about people playing baseball on steroids. I'm going, really? Here's one quick way you tell. Two things happen on steroids: your balls shrink and your head grows. So if someone steps up to the plate with a Mardi Gras head and Raisinettes, you're out!

• Robin Williams : An Arab in Utah is like an albino at the Apollo. You would notice!

• Robin Williams : [on the English]  Golf was their last domain of dominance, they were the Kings, up until... *Tiger*

  [crowd claps] 

  Robin Williams : Yeees, son of a black man and a Thai woman. Even a German geneticist couldn't have thought that one up! Remember, he goes and plays at St. Andrews, where they fuckin' invented the sport. And after the 4th round he's 18 under par, and there's only 18 fuckin' holes! So they're like:

  Robin Williams : [in an English voice]  "Oh dear god, we're doomed! How did he learn to play, we wouldn't let him join, dear god!"

  Robin Williams : [normal voice]  And then they have nightmares of gold clubs going

  [rap music] 

  Robin Williams : Yo yo yo, I'm playin' through, rather you're a gentile, or a Jew! Remo Beach, motherfucker!

• Robin Williams : [During the opening, he puts his hands on the head of a woman with peach colored hair]  Oh yes! Oh yes, my little salmon-head friend!

• Robin Williams : [as the Hebrew slaves]  Where are we going?

  [as Moses] 

  Robin Williams : To Jerusalem to start years of struggle, and then later to Miami to fuck up an election.

• Robin Williams : By the way, ladies and gentlemen, if you're ever in Georgia, Jane Fonda and Ted Turner broke up. They did. Jane found God and Ted found out it wasn't him.

• Robin Williams : [on Bin Laden]  He is a psychopath, and I'm going, wait a minute! We've got some of our own! We have Theodore Kaczynski, sitting around with nothing to do! Ted's played A Beautiful Mind: The Home Game!

• Robin Williams : Here's my one question: How do we get from crucifixion, resurrection, and then... chocolate bunnies colored eggs? Because even kids are going, "Rabbits don't lay eggs. What is this?"

• Robin Williams : And meanwhile, Michael's protesting.

  [imitates some of Michael Jackson's dance moves] 

  Robin Williams : I thought it was strange enough when Michael was the best man at Liza's wedding. For me, that was like, "You're pushing the term, my man." Was Richard Simmons duck hunting?

• Robin Williams : Poor Barry Bonds, they won't pitch it to him, but when they do, they try to kill him. He's like the Yasser Arafat of baseball.

• Robin Williams : Because our gentle sports are no longer gentle. I remember when tennis used to be, "Oh... Oh..." Until the Williams sisters. "Aiee! Aiee! Aiee!" "Thirty love?" "Naw, that's good love, baby."

• Robin Williams : Then they go up to the mountain, where they get the Ten Commandments, which gets adjusted by certain Presidents. That happens later.

• Robin Williams : You don't want a doctor who also has a hobby! You don't want a gynecologist who's also a magician! "How are we doing today, Mrs. Johnson? Oh, look! A dove!

  [taking out "ribbons"] 

  Robin Williams : Oh, what's this, what's this, and this, and this? Is *this* your card?" I don't want a doctor who's a proctologist and ventriloquist. "Hey, how are we doing today?" "Get your hand out of my ass. I'm not a Muppet."

• Robin Williams : Now we're starting to lose some of our saints. Like St. Christopher. "Chris, sorry, man. Dashboard sales are down. We're gonna replace you with St. Prada, our Lady of Accessories."

• Robin Williams : At one doctor's appointment, I moaned another doctor's name. Don't do that. "Who's Dr. Smith?" "You're the only one!"

• Robin Williams : [after accidentally spilling a water bottle]  Union guy's going, "Don't touch it, Mr. Williams!"

  [as a prospector] 

  Robin Williams : This shit is gonna be more precious than oil. It's already starting to happen. People are saying, "Yo. I got water. And if you want it cold, I got ice, motherfucker."

• Robin Williams : Once again, we turn to England during these troubled times. On one side, we have Tony Blair, militant liberal, and on the other side we have George W. Bush, compassionate conservative. I have no idea what that is. It sounds like a Volvo with a gun rack, I don't know why.

• Robin Williams : [on Tony Blair after 9/11]  But it was Tony who said, "This heinous incident has brought us to these troubled times, but our civilization shall endure." And there's poor Dubya going, "Shit, I can't even spell that."

• Robin Williams : If you smoke a lot of pot, you may never become a rocket scientist. Or maybe. Maybe if you've seen the most recent things that happened at NASA, you might. Oh, shit. "The Mars Lander. Oh, fuck! I did the calculations in feet. But I programmed the lander in meters. Oops! So instead of landing, fucker buried! $580 million whoopsie! Two years, splat!" Oh, fuck! Here's a better one. "The Hubble Telescope. I forgot to put in a lens." "Read the top line." "Uh, Alpha, Centauri, Sirius, and the rest is just a black hole."

• Robin Williams : [regarding the Winter Olympics]  They had them in Utah, which was the strangest fucking thing. "Come on down to Salt Lake! We're gonna party like it's 1955! Bring your wives! Whoops! Come on down!" And at the closing ceremony, they introduced Donny and Marie as the First Couple of Utah, and I'm like, "Nuh-uh. They're only a couple in Arkansas."

• Robin Williams : We now know that we are under the auspices of "Homeland Security". And we had to be careful picking that name, "Homeland Security". We couldn't say "Fatherland" because the Germans would go, "That's a good one."

• Robin Williams : Remember the kid who won the gold medal? He won for freestyle. They asked him, "Do you wanna be on a box of Wheaties?" "No. Count Chocula." "Aha! A clue, Sherlock!"

• Robin Williams : India has the bomb. Pakistan has the bomb. Also, China has the bomb, or maybe not. Maybe they have one billion people go "boom".

  [Russian accent] 

  Robin Williams : Russia has the bomb. We have many bombs. We don't know where they all are. Maybe you'd like a dirty bomb.

  [normal voice] 

  Robin Williams : And the French. The French have a bomb, too. Maybe they have the Michelin bomb. Only destroys restaurants under five stars.

• Robin Williams : And you have to realize this, it's Bush 2.0. It's a beta release. And he came with a few bugs in the system. "This country will not be taken hostile. Oops. Delete, delete. Hostage." And he does have a short attention span, one minute he's like, "Our economy is... Oh, look at the kitty."

• Robin Williams : Goddammit, I want science to help me! Because, look at me! I've had ladies come up to me saying, "Don't wear fur!" I'm like, "Lady, it's me! This is the PCsssss! I'm a fuckin' Chia Pet!"

• Robin Williams : People have died on Viagra. They need to have the open coffin. "I don't remember Pete being like this. Kids, go get some horseshoes. He would've wanted it that way."

• Robin Williams : There's another miracle in the bible. The night that Mary said to Joe, "Joe, I'm pregnant." And Joe said, "Holy Mother of God." And Mary said, "You're right!" "Oh, Jesus Christ!" "What a great name, Joe! So much better than Schmuel! I love you, Joe! I love you!" "Wait, hold on a minute, Mary!" "So I'm the stepfather of God's kid?" "Yeah." "So I can't discipline Him, I can't tell Him He did wrong, because He'll just look at me like 'You're not my real dad!' I mean, how did this happen, Mary?" "Oh, it was immaculate, Joe." "Oh, it better be! It better be immaculate, Mary! It better be!" I'm sorry for transforming Joe into Ralph Kramden.

• Robin Williams : I find it very reassuring, George W. Bush talks to the stock market, and then

  [makes sound like airplane crashing] 

  Robin Williams : It must be him talking about business, it's like having a leper giving you a facial; it doesn't really work! Oopsey! "A lot of our imports come from other countries." No shit, Jason!

• Robin Williams : [on Coco the Gorrila being attracted to him]  Part of me went "could be fun". Make a great story for a bar. "I had a wild night in Vegas" Yeah, well I banged a gorrila!

  [pause] 

  Robin Williams : where ya goin'?"

• Robin Williams : The Biathalon is like Norwegian Drive-By.

• Robin Williams : The titties are out today.

• Robin Williams : They're saying that some of the Olympic Referees were being paid off, OH SHIT. SAY IT AINT SO.

• Robin Williams : Thank you for the standing ovation. We've had the orgasm up front, let's have a cigarette, let's relax. We're here in New York - fuckin' NEW YORK. Obviously, this will not be your normal night of theatre... This will be Shakespeare with a strapon! 'So that's the way you like it!'

• Robin Williams : [about Botox]  Look, I don't have any wrinkles. You also have no expression.

• Robin Williams : [First lines]  All right! Thank you very much! Goodnight!

• Robin Williams : We're here in New York, fuckin' New York!

  [Applause] 

• Robin Williams : And remember when George came back from Japan, and he was like, "I went to the Coyote conference." "Um, that's Kyoto." "Oh, that's a very good car." No! George, walk away.