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- Buddy: [thinking Miles is an elf] Did you have to borrow a reindeer to get down here?
- Miles Finch: Hey, jackweed, I get more action in a week than you've had in your entire life. I've got houses in L.A., Paris and Vail. In each one, a 70 inch plasma screen. So I suggest you wipe that stupid smile off your face before I come over there and SMACK it off! You feeling strong, my friend? Call me elf one more time.
- Buddy: [after a pause] He's an angry elf.
- [Miles promptly attacks him]
- Santa: I've been to New York thousands of times.
- Buddy: Really?
- Santa: Mm-hmm.
- Buddy: What's it like?
- Santa: Well, there are some things you should know. First off, you see gum on the street, leave it there. It isn't free candy.
- Buddy: Oh.
- Santa: Second, there are, like, thirty Ray's Pizzas. They all claim to be the original. But the real one's on 11th. And if you see a sign that says "Peep Show", that doesn't mean that they're letting you look at presents before Christmas.
- Buddy: We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns, and syrup.
- Buddy: [thinking Miles is an elf] Did you have to borrow a reindeer to get down here?
- Miles Finch: Hey, jackweed, I get more action in a week than you've had in your entire life. I've got houses in L.A., Paris and Vail. In each one, a 70 inch plasma screen. So I suggest you wipe that stupid smile off your face before I come over there and SMACK it off! You feeling strong, my friend? Call me elf one more time.
- Buddy: [after a pause] He's an angry elf.
- [Miles promptly attacks him]
- Buddy: [Confused] Who the heck are you?
- Gimbel's Santa: What are you talkin' about? I'm Santa Claus.
- Buddy: No, you're not.
- Gimbel's Santa: Uh, why of course I am! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
- Buddy: Well, if you're Santa, what song did I sing for you on your birthday this year?
- Gimbel's Santa: Um, Happy Birthday of course. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. How old are you son?
- Kid with Santa: Four.
- Gimbel's Santa: You're a big boy. What's your name?
- Kid with Santa: Paul.
- Gimbel's Santa: Now what can I get you for Christmas?
- Buddy: Paul, don't tell him what you want, he's a liar.
- Gimbel's Santa: Let the kid talk.
- Buddy: You disgust me! How can you live with yourself?
- Gimbel's Santa: Just cool it, Zippy.
- Buddy: You sit on a throne of lies.
- Gimbel's Santa: Look, I'm not kiddin'.
- Buddy: You're a fake.
- Gimbel's Santa: I'm a fake?
- Buddy: Yes!
- Gimbel's Santa: How'd you like to be dead, huh?
- Kid with Santa: [whispering] Fake.
- Gimbel's Santa: No, he's kidding.
- Buddy: [sniffing] You stink.
- Gimbel's Santa: I think you're gonna have a good Christmas, all right.
- Buddy: You smell like beef and cheese. You don't smell like Santa.
- Gimbel's Manager: [Sees Buddy smiling] Why are you smiling like that?
- Buddy: I just like to smile, smiling's my favorite.
- Buddy: [reading the note he left on the etch-a-sketch] "I'm sorry I ruined your lives, and crammed eleven cookies into the VCR."
- NY 1 Reporter: Well, more proof that Santa is in the park because we have his book.
- Michael: What's your name.
- NY 1 Reporter: Charlotte Denon. New York 1.
- Michael: D, D, Charlotte Denon wants a Tiffany engagement ring and for her boyfriend to stop dragging his feet and commit already.
- [excitedly enters a shop with neon sign: World's Best Cup of Coffee]
- Buddy: You did it! Congratulations! "World's Best Cup of Coffee." Great job, everybody. It's great to meet you.
- [Buddy sees the mail room for the first time]
- Buddy: This place reminds me of Santa's Workshop! Except it smells like mushrooms and everyone looks like they want to hurt me.
- Eugene: [brainstorming for a new book] What about this: a tribe of asparagus children, but they're self-conscious about the way their pee smells.
- Buddy: [out of breath from chasing Michael] Wow, you're fast. I'm glad I caught up to you. I waited 5 hours for you. Why is your coat so big? So, good news - I saw a dog today. Have you seen a dog? You probably have. How was school? Was it fun? Did you get a lot of homework? Huh? Do you have any friends? Do you have a best friend? Does he have a big coat, too?...
- Michael: Go away!
- Buddy: Sounds like somebody needs to sing a Christmas Carol.
- Jovie: No way.
- Buddy: The best way to spread Christmas Cheer, is singing loud for all to hear.
- Jovie: Thanks, but I don't sing.
- Buddy: Oh, well, it's just like talking, except longer and louder, and you move your voice up and down.
- Jovie: I *can* sing, I just choose *not* to sing. Especially in front of other people.
- Buddy: If you can sing alone, you sing in front of other people. There's no difference.
- Jovie: Actually, there's a BIG difference.
- Buddy: No there's not. Wait...
- [Starts singing loud and off-key]
- Buddy: I'm singing/I'm in a store/and I'm siiiiiingiiiiing!/I'm in a store/and I'm siiiiiingiiiiing!
- Gimbel's Manager: HEY! There's no singin' in the North Pole!
- Buddy: Yes there is!
- Gimbel's Manager: No there's not!
- Buddy: We sing all the time!
- Gimbel's Manager: No you don't!
- Buddy: Especially when we build toys!
- [Back to Jovie]
- Buddy: See?
- Buddy: I passed through the seven levels of the Candy Cane forest, through the sea of swirly twirly gum drops, and then I walked through the Lincoln Tunnel.
- Buddy: I thought maybe we could make ginger bread houses, and eat cookie dough, and go ice skating, and maybe even hold hands.
- [first lines]
- Papa Elf: Oh, hello. You're, uh, you're probably here about the story.
- [the pages flip to show Papa Elf talking to the camera]
- Papa Elf: Elves love to tell stories. I-I'll bet you didn't know that about elves. There's, uh, probably a lot of things you didn't know about elves. Another, another interesting, uh, elfism, uh, there are only three jobs available to an elf. The first is making shoes at night while, you know, while the old cobbler sleeps.
- [Cuts to elves doing work on the cobbler's shoes while the cobbler snores with his head on the table]
- Disgruntled Cobbler Elf: Lazy bum! Couldn't even make a clog!
- Papa Elf: You can bake cookies in a tree.
- [Cuts to exterior view of a tree, which bursts into flames]
- Papa Elf: As you can imagine, it's, uh, dangerous having an oven in an oak tree during the dry season.
- [the elves inside run out screaming]
- Tree Elf: I want to make shoes!
- Papa Elf: But the third job, some call it, uh, "the show" or "the big dance," it's the profession that every elf aspires to. And that is to build toys in Santa's workshop.
- Gimbel's Manager: [showing Buddy around the floor] This, is the North Pole.
- Buddy: No it isn't.
- Gimbel's Manager: Yes it is.
- Buddy: No it isn't.
- Gimbel's Manager: Yes it is!
- Buddy: No it's not. Where's the snow?
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