Dead Ringers (2002–2007)

Kevin Connelly: Andrew Marr, Mark Lawson, Bill Oddie, Andrew Neil, David Dimbleby, Iain Duncan Smith, Menzies Campbell, Michael Howard, Sven-Goran Eriksson, Charles Kennedy, Des Lynam, Nick Robinson, Theo Paphitis, David Starkey, Louis Walsh, Mick Aston, Adrian Chiles, Albert Stroller, Boris Johnson, Jack Halford, Dick Cheney, Ian Paisley, John Reid, Alan Carr, Andrew Gilligan, Bobby Robson, Bruce Forsyth, Dennis Patterson, Elton John, Harry Potter, Lawrence Oates, Michael Portillo, Much, PC Plum, Trevor, Adolf Hitler, Alan Milburn, Alex Ferguson, Antony Worrall Thompson, Barman, Barry Gibb, Bill Clinton, Bob, Bonasera, Brian Sarbutt, Brian Sewell, Brother Benjamin, Builder, Butler Max, Dame Edna Everage, Dave Peacock, David Cameron, Deal or No Deal Contestant, Detective, Driftwood Member, Elliot Hope, England Cricketer, Frank Windsor, Fred Dibnah, Grima Wormtongue, Harry Pearce, Henry Kissinger, James Bond, Jed Bartlet, Johnny Scott, Jonathan, Jonathan Miller, Kenneth Clarke, Mark Owen, Martin Bashir, Martin McGuinness, Martin Nutter, Mastermind the Opera Actor, Mathematician, Melvyn Bragg, Michael Palin, Midge Ure, Neil Kinnock, Old Mr. Turveydrop, Paul, Paul Bradley, Peter Crouch, Peter Foster, Phil Mitchell, Police Officer, Presidential Advisor, Reginald, Ringo Starr, Sir Leicester Dedlock, Sontaran, Terry, The Seventh Doctor, Thomas

Quotes 

• Andrew Neil : Mr Blunkett, surely policemen carrying stun guns isn't a bit over-opressive?

  David Blunkett : Let me make myself perfectly clear. I am only in this Home Secretary game for the arse-kicking.

• Mark Lawson : Hello, you're watching Newsnight review. I'm Mark Lawson, Britain's brainiest potato.

• Mark Lawson : Hello, you're watching Newsnight Review, post-match-analysis for toffs, and the latest book to get the big-screen treatment is "The Cat in the Hat", starring Mike Myers. Germaine Greer, what did you think?

  Germaine Greer : I thought it was terrible, so boring and predictable, and that awful way they spoke - I mean, does anyone really speak like that? I went to the cinema and I hated it.

  Mark Lawson : Well, would you watch it on a train?

  Germaine Greer : I would not watch it on a train.

  Mark Lawson : Would you watch it on a plane?

  Germaine Greer : Not on a train, not on a plane. I would not watch it here, I would not watch it there, I would not watch it anywhere.

• Mark Lawson : Hello, you're watching Newsnight Review, a high-fibre diet in programme form. First tonight, a book by the Danish novelist Piers Van Hoostrung. Tom?

  Tom Paulin : I thought it was an astonishing novel, over 400 pages explore the notion of identity as glimpsed through the idealogical canope's of language itself. For me, it's one of the novels of the year.

  Mark Lawson : Uh, Germaine?

  Germaine Greer : Well, I was totally blown away by the distopian vision of the novel as a sort of trope for our own fragmented lives, and

  Mark Lawson : I'm sorry Germaine, I'll have to stop you there, because I've just heard in my earpeice that our last viewer has finally fallen asleep. Well done everyone.

• David Dimbleby : Yes, this week the pre-Budget report is the talk of Westminster, but that's no use to us because 'Question Time' will be coming from some godforsaken place in the middle of nowhere. The audience will all be in green wellies and the only guests willing to make the trip will be a Liberal Democrat MEP you've never heard of, a rent-a-quote loony right winger like Peter Hitchens and, worst of all, Jim Davidson. Expect incomprehensible shouting a-plenty about fiscal policy from an audience every bit as freakish as Gordon Brown himself, and lots of embarrassing moments as I try to work out whether the person with their hand up is a man or a woman. Of course, I can't wait to get back to London, safe in the knowledge that as it's a cold winter, someone famous is bound to die again soon. I do so love hosting a good funeral.

• David Dimbleby : Hello, I'm one of the Dimblebys. It's too soon to say which one, but we are expecting an announcement shortly. The BBC has just received news that a terrible thing has happened. We don't know what this terrible thing is yet, but the Prime Minister has been first to look sincere.

  Tony Blair : A terrible thing has happened, and I am deeply angered, saddened and/or moved. When I find out what it is, I shall be taking tough action and/or extending my sympathies on national television. Earnest cheeks, stern nostrils, I-got-in-before-Ian-Duncan-Smith smile.

  David Dimbleby : Ian Duncan Smith has interrupted his busy schedule to make this statement about the terrible thing.

  Ian Duncan Smith : I am appalled by this terrible thing.

  David Dimbleby : And the Liberal Democrat leader Charles Kennedy made this statement.

  Charles Kennedy : Well, I am absolutely appalled by this terrible thing.

  David Dimbleby : And then Ian Duncan Smith said this.

  Ian Duncan Smith : Well, I am totally devastated and appalled.

  Charles Kennedy : Well, I am not only devastated and appalled. I am outraged and shocked.

  Ian Duncan Smith : I am infinitely moved and appalled and shocked recurring with no returns.

  David Dimbleby : And no sombre occasion like this would be complete without a statement from the palace.

  Queen Elizabeth II : My husband and I knew this terrible thing would happen. One just forgot to mention it to anyone.

  David Dimbleby : And now it's time for some pointless conjecture with Professor Robert Nibbs, an expert in terrible things that happen. Professor, what is this terrible thing?

  Prof. Robert Nibbs : Well, I have no idea.

  David Dimbleby : Well, that won't stop you answering the question though, will it?

  Prof. Robert Nibbs : No, no, no. Because as I stated in my book 'Terrible Things That Can Happen', I did say that somewhere, at some time, somewhere in the world, something terrible would actually happen, and I've been proved right.

  David Dimbleby : Right... Well, I'm told that we can now return to normal programmes, because although a terrible thing has happened, it was a long way away, and no westerners were involved. Good night.

• Bill Oddie : I'm only doing this show because the BBC won't repeat "The Goodies". All I ask is a couple of times a day on UK Gold to see me through the winter.

• Kirsty Wark : Hello, and welcome to Newsnight. I'm Kirsty Wark, formulated and controlled by Laboratoire Garnier, Paris. The shock felt in the music world when Pop Idol, Will Young, came out has now been echoed at Westminster.

  Ian Duncan Smith : In this new spirit of openness, I feel I too must come out, and admit to the world that I, Ian Duncan Smith, am Leader of the Conservative Party.

  Kirsty Wark : This shock revelation has left millions of Ian's teenage fans heartbroken. I'm joined now by the Prime Minister, Tony Blair.

  Tony Blair : I'm right behind Ian on this. Caring eyebrows, tolerant forehead, compassionate Paul Smith suit. You know, the days when people had to be ashamed that they were a Tory Leader really should be in the past. Some of my best friends are Tories. In fact, all my friends are Tories.

• Sir David Frost : Gerry Adams, Martin McGuiness, how can a picture of you destroying your weapons be so humiliating?

  Gerry Adams : Well, take a look at us, David. I mean, any photo of us is humiliating because we're both of us plug ugly.

  Sir David Frost : Oh, don't run yourselves down. Although you're not exactly Zoe and Spider from Babe Station, are you?

  Gerry Adams : Too right, David. I mean, I don't take a good snap at all. I usually come out as a cross between Oddbod out of Carry On Screaming and an evil Bee Gee.

  Martin McGuiness : You think that's bad? I've got Art Garfunkel's hair, and a beak like Fungus the Boogie Man.

  Gerry Adams : Basically, the pictures have gotta be taken by either Lord Litchfield or Lord Snowdon so that they bring out the Princess Diana in me features. That's the condition.

  Martin McGuiness : Oh, and we get to keep our semtex and our favourite grenades.

  Gerry Adams : Shh!

  Sir David Frost : Gerry Adams, Martin McGuiness, freaks of nature the pair of you, thank you very much.