Evil Alien Conquerors (2003) User Reviews

Irredeemably stupid but strangely funny

[livapr99 · 6/10 · 23 April 2020]

I should hate this movie. I should loathe this movie to my very core. I'm one of the few people on Earth who hates Will Ferrell and his obnoxiously idiotic brand of 'comedy', for crying out loud, and yet I just cannot bring myself to say that I even dislike this movie. In fact, I kind of...love it?

Listen, it's no cinematic achievement- not by a longshot- but Diedrich Bader and Chris Parnell's commitment to the bit is admirable, even if the both of them would probably prefer it if we were to forget about this little stain on their respective filmographies. There's something oddly winning about My-ik and Du-ug, from their desire to clog their pores with concealer to their complete inability to inflict an agonising death on one insolent b*st*rd of a cow, and it's mostly their oddly winning nature that does wonders for a script that is oftentimes more beer commercial than sci-fi comedy.

Throughout my entire viewing experience, I found myself wondering why on Earth such a ridiculously stupid film was making me laugh so frequently and sincerely, and on reflection, it's probably down to the number of genuinely funny jokes to be found beneath this B-movie's veneer of overwhelming stupidity. Gags about the titular evil alien conquerors feeling incredibly sexy in bathrobes or being unable to resist developing a drinking problem despite it not being one of their objectives never failed to make me giggle, and the fact that a film this sophomoric manages to wring most of its comedy out of its main characters' sheer incompetence rather than simply resorting to sexist or homophobic humour is honestly an unexpected bonus. Going into this, I expected something akin to Anchorman or a lesser SNL sketch; instead I got an unapologetically goofy and oftentimes delightful riff on slacker comedies and 80s schlock sci-fi alike.

Ultimately, I'd like to think that Chris Matheson would almost certainly die painlessly for producing such a ridiculous but legitimately entertaining film, one that is not nearly on the same level as the excellent Bill and Ted movies, but has enough self-awareness and cheesy charm to still be worth a look.

Enthuse for Rabirr!...

[paul_haakonsen · 6/10 · 23 April 2021]

I stumbled upon the 2003 comedy "Evil Alien Conquerors" here in 2021. I had never heard about it, nor did I know what it was about. But still, I opted to sit down to watch the movie.

It was a blast to see Diedrich Bader, Chris Parnell and Tyler Labine in this movie, and they really were nicely cast for the roles in the movie. But the movie also had the likes of Elden Henson and Tori Spelling on the cast list.

Now, it should be said that "Evil Alien Conquerors" is a truly unique movie, and it is one that might not sit well with just everyone in the audience, as it can be something of an acquired taste. I definitely enjoyed the movie and the comedy here as written by writers Chris Matheson and Ryan Rowe. So I was rather entertained by this off-beat comedy.

The storyline told in "Evil Alien Conquerors" is extraordinary. It is about two otherworldly visitors that has come to Earth to take over the world, but failing to do so miserably as they are sidetracked by alcoholic beverage, friendship and love.

I was enjoying this movie quite a bit and it was a rather nice surprise to stumble upon this movie. It is without a doubt a movie that I would recommend you sit down to watch, if you haven't already seen it. Now, keep in mind that this is not your typical average comedy though.

My rating of the 2003 comedy "Evil Alien Conquerors" lands on a six out of ten stars.

"I am Croker! I am one hundred feet tall!!!"

[Scott_Mercer · 5/10 · 5 December 2009]

No, dude, you're actually about 5 foot 6 and shorter than almost every other person you run into...ah...do you not get that?

I guess that's why this movie is "funny."

Okay, enough snark. This movie actually is funny, if you like stupid, annoying humor. It comes at you full throttle with an absurd premise and distractingly low production values. Seriously, what was the budget on this thing? It looked like a film school production, to be honest. That low.

Two aliens come to earth with orders to behead the entire human race. It becomes clear pretty fast that they have vastly overestimated their prowess and vastly underestimated the resources needed to accomplish their task. Oh well, it's all good actually, because they decide that Earth is a pretty cool place, loaded with fast food, Smirnoff Ice, extremely entertaining infomercials and the genius of Supertramp.

Dedrich Bader and Chris Parnell go through the whole movie in footy pajamas, people. Footy freaking pajamas. And so does the "giant" from their alien world, come to make sure they have taken over Earth, CROKER, who is actually shorter than both of them. Nevertheless, he keeps screaming about the fact that he is 100 feet tall and is going to crush everyone with his giant feet. He also wears footy pajamas. Purple ones.

If this sounds like your cup of tea, your showcase of all-out idiocy, then be sure to check it out. Or if you like the idea of Dedrich Bader and Chris Parnell running through some deserted suburban town at night in footy pajamas, then by all means, 90 minutes of your life is just waiting to be expended. Really stupid, but I guess in this case that is not an insult.

Nudies... NUDIES! Nudies...

[Dinjack · 10 November 2003]

I recently saw this film at a Northwest Film Center presentation, and it was SHEER BRILLIANCE. I admit, I did not enjoy myself the whole way through (some jokes were a bit overdone) but I must admit, a good portion of the movie was goddamn hilarious just from the simplicity of it all. My personal favorite was the constant agonizing over nudies (they had... NUDIES!) or the crazed devotion to Smirnoff Ice.

If you're in the dark as to the plot, the basic storyline is that two alien warriors (Evil Alien Conquerors, in fact) are sent to Earth to behead the entire human race. They can blend in easily because their race is completely identical to the humans (some would say that this is a low budget technique to save money on costumes) and the beheading won't be that hard because the two conquerors have giant swords. But when they get to Earth they figure out that they only have two and a half days to behead all of humanity, and their swords have become tiny. Oh, and we can't forget that if every human isn't beheaded within two and a half days a giant will be sent to eat the failed conquerors, and then behead mankind himself.

What in the world?

[jboltonstl · 1/10 · 31 January 2004]

the best part of this movie was the theme song. deidrich bader, excellent in the drew carey show, falls far short in this movie. the acting is wooden and the jokes are very lame. What started out as a good premise very quickly died!

it infests my cable. help me!

[Judexdot1 · 5/10 · 22 January 2005]

Been a fan of Diedrich Bader since he first showed up on a number of attempted Fox sitcoms, before settling in on "Drew Carey". This is closer to his earlier work. it's too long, and too repetitive. Despite this, there are moments of brilliance, shining through the product placement (do they even still make "Crystal Geysers"?). Mike McShane, a fine member of the original "Whose Line is It Anyway" crew, pops in for about 3 scenes, and adds nothing, unfortunately. The cheap effects add to the cheese factor, but it is no classic, never matching the "Bill and Ted" films the director wrote, years ago. (what happened to Alex Winter, anyway?).

This movie is terrible!

[astemborski · 2/10 · 3 January 2006]

This is a terrible movie. I was embarrassed just watching this movie. Don't give this movie a second of your time. I thought it looked like it might be kind of funny in the video store. Turns out that i just wasted a 1/2 a gallon of gas, $5, and 2 hours of my time to see what is possibly the worst movie in the store.

The spoiler is that you end up wasting your valuable time. I wouldn't recommend this movie to anyone. It should never become a cult classic for being so bad. That's how bad it is. People that refer to this movie as entertaining are merely jerks that want to tick people off.

The actors in this movie should be embarrassed that they ever considered doing this movie. Tori Spelling didn't even want her name in the credits on this movie. Try to guess why.

Worst Movie Ever

[dynamicdavegoldberg · 1/10 · 9 August 2005]

This is the dumbest most useless movie ever! Its almost like the script came from toilet paper some guy used in a stall. It was so unfunny it was uncomfortable to watch. It is the complete anti-thesis of entertainment. I have seen better productions in college and on cable access. Just absolutely awful all the way. There is nothing redeemable from this movie. This quite simply has to be the most moronic film to ever hit the planet.

The dialog was useless and did not ever look realistic. Its as if the actors are reading in monotone off of a cue card. The acting was deplorable. It should be viewed at acting school as what not to do. I think all together it is a pure waste of film, waste of space and waste of time in video store or cable station in the universe!

Some really funny stuff

[lance-90 · 8/10 · 7 January 2006]

Usually when I like a comedy I'll laugh a few times, but not all that often. This movie had me laughing as hard as any I can remember. It helped that I was in a room with several other like-minded guys who also found it hilarious.

Some of the things in EAC are thoughtful, too. I especially liked it when Kroker came to earth and acted as though he was still 100 feet tall, and when he went to attack M'ik and D'ug they were cowering on the floor before him, waiting to be crushed under his mighty foot. It's funny because it's true: often we cower in fear of people who don't really have the power over us they think they do, just because it's how we are used to thinking of them.

And Kroker doing infomercials was awesome!

So Bad That It's Funny

[JR541 · 7/10 · 2 March 2006]

They were trying to be bad or silly

and they achieved it. It is intentionally funny and at times unintentionally funny. Bader is pretty good (Not as good as Rex character

from Napoleon Dynamite) and The guy that played Croker is really funny once you get past the annoying shouting he does at all times. Give it a chance. It seems bad at first but there dead pan delivery gets to be pretty funny after a while. Like other comments here have mentioned that it does seem somewhat like an Ed Wood movie but this was was funny on purpose.

One of the chicks looks like Tory Spelling

[mvs-2 · 1/10 · 9 September 2005]

I watched it hoping there was going to be a lot of good quality, wholesome American nudity, however there ended up being nothing remotely redeeming about the film. The least they could have done to make it interesting was to add nudity! Usually a film like this gets by on gratuitous sex, but alas there was none to be found. If you have a chance to see this movie, watch something else instead or just go to bed. If you wish to torture your friends or family for awhile, then put this film on the big screen and watch everyone squirm in their seats with boredom. This film is a poorly done reincarnation of the lameness of a movie such as The Coneheads from the eighties. Avoid it and save yourself!

Awesome, Funny movie

[RustedWheel · 8/10 · 22 February 2005]

This wasn't the best stupid funny movie I have ever seen, but it was crazy funny when you don't look at it for intellectual quality. I think if you like movies like Napoleon Dynamite, you will like this movie. Yes, it has less than great special effects, but it is funny on the whole. I watched it because a friend of mine told me it was one of the funniest movies of all time. I don't really agree, but it is rather funny.. It is really awesome when the swords are shrunk amazingly small in the process of sending My-ik and Du-ug to Earth. As I said, if you want a movie with awesome cinematography or a movie that really screams Oscar, go and ask your film teacher for a recommendation list.. I am sure that s/he won't give you this movie.. Mine might have though, because she was the stuff.

Funny Alien Conquerors

[FilmFlaneur · 7/10 · 8 September 2008]

Speaking as someone who loathed such witless films as DUMB AND DUMBERER, Chris Mathieson's film EVIL ALIEN CONQUERORS was never an obvious choice. But Mathieson's reputation as a writer of minor cult material (The BILL AND TEDs 1 & 2, MOM AND DAD SAVE THE WORLD) gave this, frequently slated, vehicle some curiosity value. Two gormlessly arrogant aliens, 'Du-ug' and 'My-ik' from the planet Kabijj arrive on Earth with a mission to behead the population within 48 hours. Unfortunately the deadly swords they've brought meant for the job are reduced to the size of cocktail sticks on arrival. While they think up alternate plans to enslave humanity, they become temporary lodgers with slacker Kenny. Now awaiting in terror the arrival of their alien enforcer Croker they are strangely drawn by the discovery of two odd mono-browed women at the laundrette, and the attractions of hairy feet..

CONQUERORS demands a particular sense of humour to enjoy it thoroughly which undoubtedly splits audiences down the middle (my girlfriend for instance told me never to play it in her presence again) but I found it continuously amusing, with few flat moments. Despite the ramshackle nature of it all, there's a lot here that's just naive and plumb-weird enough to stay in the mind. This while it comes nowhere near the grim, unfunny commercialism of a DUMB AND DUMBERER. The difference is that the off the wall naivity of CONQUERORS is a saving grace, not a lumbering handicap. Mathieson clearly wrote out what *he* thought was ludicrous on a micro budget. The cast play the result through straight, with never a distracting wink-wink made to an waiting audience, who at first might expect some recognition of such a personal joke. Du-Ug's continuous threats of "you will die in agony!!" to all who annoy him; the weird vocal play between the two aliens and their jump suit uniforms; the arrival of the much feared Croker, always shouting "I am the Mighty Croker!!" but unable to understand how feeble he really is, in the fast food restaurant ("we've got another one" says the bored til girl); the Lynchian mono-browed women, the balloon flying device, the My-ik's obsession with Smirnoff Ice; it all adds up to a package which is by no means terrible IMHO, if not side splitting, but quotably crackpot enough in a Saturday NIGHT LIVE sort of way to warrant seeking out as a real oddity.

A sad failure, but a promising failure

[dantown · 3/10 · 15 February 2006]

This movie has a lot of promise. It failed. I love a movie where Tori Spelling just looks beautiful, yet does not speak. She is so magnetically attractive. Yet---she speaks. Speaking is a bad habit for little old Tori. I guess Tori Spelling is the female version of Tom Cruise. This movie is a sorry mess, where an actor who just yells is given more than twenty minutes of screen time: namely Croaker. The lead actor, what's his name, the loser/fry cook, is actually interesting. Also, Dietrich Bader, provides acting ability, otherwise absent from this movie. Bader is far superior to this mess. This is a goofy movie that fails to be goofy. It is a failure. Michael Weston, the fry cook/loser, is acceptably good enough as the 20-something guy. The amateur acting throughout this film is not acceptable. This kind of movie-making actually vaulted the series Star Trek to fame. I am cool with that.

The cow will pay for it's insolence!

[writeright1 · 2 February 2004]

Du-ug and My-ik come to earth with their swords to cut off the heads of every person on earth... in less than three days.

My-ik: Not a problem!

In attempting to do their job, they have to deal with cows, alcohol, unibrows and other problems they didn't expect.

My-ik: Not a problem!

I found this movie surprisingly funny. I hesitated to watch it at first, but as it featured Diedrich Bader, I gave it a chance and I'm glad I did.

The writer/director, Chris Matheson, wrote both Bill & Ted movies and he again managed to take what seemed like a weak premise and managed to make movies that still would be funny after repeated viewings. Matheson wisely let the actors and story speak for themselves rather than pad the movie with exploitive nudity or needless profanity.

The cast ranged from serviceable to good. I was particularly impressed with the actor who played Croker, who had to deliver all his lines at the top of his lungs. I would have liked to seen more of Michael McShane, Rabirr, who was so funny on his stint on the British version of "Who's Line Is It Anyway?"

The World's Longest Smirnoff Ice Ad!

[LibertadBGreen · 2/10 · 3 August 2005]

Smirnoff Ice is mentioned about three dozen times in this movie; it's even mentioned in the "Evil Alien Conqueror" theme song that's played at the end as the credits roll!

For some strange reason, Tori Spelling wasn't originally credited in this movie, although her appearance as Jan is, in my opinion, the only thing that makes this movie worth watching. I've never seen her look anything less than fabulous, but her waist looks particularly long and slender in this movie. Unfortunately, the most skin she shows is her face and arms. Her most sensual and erotic scene is when one of the Evil Alien Conquerors feels up her hairy "unibrow".

actually dumber after watching

[ottoskorzeny-53649 · 1/10 · 26 December 2018]

Perhaps worse movie ever. was tricked into watching, and believe i am actually dumber after watching. poor attempt at comedy, failed to see any humor. maybe would work as 3 min snl skit, not feature length film. its been 9 yrs since i watched, and im still pissed. cant over stress how bad is. wish i could rate less than a 1. thats an hour and 38 mins i will never get back.

I thought it was really funny..........then the doorbell woke me up.

[Rob_Taylor · 3/10 · 3 January 2006]

There really isn't much to say about this "film". It has the odd smile or chuckle moment, but on the whole it's bland, predictable and generally pretty dull.

The only reason I gave it three out of ten was for the annoyingly catchy jingle (which I hope I will forget soon....please God!). Otherwise its junk. Or mostly junk, interspersed with adverts for Smirnoff Ice.

The lead characters give OK performances, but they really don't have anything much to work with.

Best advice: Avoid it like a dentist's appointment. Or better yet, make a dentist's appointment instead of watching it.

So stupid, such a waste of time

[Enchorde · 1/10 · 1 November 2005]

Recap: My-ik and Du-ug is sent to Earth to conquer and kill all mankind. To complete their task they have two and a half day, then a 100-feet tall giant human-eating monster will be sent after them. Unfortunately for our two evil conquerors, their swords came through the transport extremely small. Now the aliens have to trust their abilities, skill and superiority to finish their task. Unfortunately, they have none. And discovering such treasures as Smirnoff Ice, and two lovely ladies, they start to doubt their mission.

Comments: Now, there are good movies, and there are bad movies. In the bad category there are just plain bad movies, and there are so bad movies that they're funny. This movie creates a completely new category. This movie is so extremely awfully bad, that it is not even remotely funny. What was supposed to be jokes, was just plain stupid. What was supposed to be a story was a bad edited, poorly explained, predictable mess. What is supposed to be the great ending, is just a coverall dressed man, stumbling about screaming. And that is supposed to be the best in the entire movie? Now, I understood that this was low budget, but please, I've seen far better movies with far less budget. Written by Matheson, also the author behind Bill & Ted, I can't imagine what he has done to loose all talent the past decade. Where Bill and Ted is a masterpiece (in comparison anyway) in fun simplicity and a success on all levels, Evil Alien Conquerors fails in every aspect. Acting performance is as bad as other aspects of the movie, and i can't imagine how actors like Diedrich Bader and Tori Spelling ended up in this mess, it wasn't for the money obviously.

The best part of the entire production is the title 'Evil Alien Conquerors' that actually made me smile, and fooled me into waste 86 minutes of my life. I want them back!

1/10

Enthused For EAC!

[Daynera · 10/10 · 16 March 2004]

If you're not into movies that are so stupid, they're funny... don't watch this movie. It's strictly for those, who enjoy a good no brainer film once in a while. OR die hard fans of this sort of comedy. Now, when I say stupid, I mean this with the utmost respect. The more I watch this movie, the more I like it and I REALLY liked it the first time. Helps that I'm a big huge fan of Diedrich Bader.

I'm not going to go into detail about the movie, simply because it needs to be seen to be appreciated. Remember, don't expect Oscar winning performances from anyone, just enjoy it for what it is. A good, stupid movie. Otherwise, you will die in agony. You will die begging for mercy and they will gladly provide it. Evil Alien Conquerors, THEY RULE!

Not good per se, but loveable, quotable, and original.

[benjamin-60982 · 7/10 · 7 January 2020]

This movie feels like a sketch turned into a feature film, and compared to the various times that has been actually been done (ie: every SNL movie) it compares favorably. It does not quite have enough to sustain a film, and every joke gets hammered into the ground, but most of them hold up better than one would expect. For all its repetition it is anything but formulaic, and many things that should not work work through sheer earnestness, originality, and a skill for clever variations. It is one of the few films I have ever seen where the gimmick of it being ultra-low budget was fairly consistently charming rather than just a matter of necessity. In terms of laughs per-dollar spent it is actually pretty damned effective.

It's really stupid, but everyone involved commits so hard to the stupidity that it occasionally becomes weirdly inspired. Objectively I'd put it somewhere in the four or five star range as a work of film, but it gets a couple extra stars for being memorable, original, unique, and generally endearing.

Why why why why?

[MountainMan · 1/10 · 12 November 2004]

The producer(s) of this film (I use the term film guardedly) obviously had not a prayer (and maybe no intention) of turning out anything even resembling a movie film. So why did they do it? A tax write-off by investors? Come on. This movie was the most disgusting, boring, poorly-acted, poorly directed, devoid-of-screenplay, insulting movie ever made. I had a screen pass at BBuster and decided to try it. I hoped the long odds might pay off. I have never shut down a movie this quick before in my life (5 minutes). Dumb and dumberer was Oscar material by comparison.

I think the lines were made up on the fly. The director was flirting with the makeup girl. The grips were doing the directing.

Funny, funny classic b-type movie

[katalen · 9/10 · 6 April 2005]

This movie is about two "evil alien conquerors" who must behead every human on earth within 2 1/2 days or a giant from their planet will come and behead them AND everyone on Earth. Now, it's not for everyone, I know. But it is SO FUNNY just because of it's absurdities. For instance, Crokar (the GIANT from their home planet) comes out of the portal the same size as everyone else, but he still thinks he's GIANT. (watch the movie and you'll see why I capitalize that.) Basically, it's a slightly absurd, stupid movie that you have to laugh at. My friends and I joked about it for hours (and still do). It's a great movie to see with friends.

Would've been much better in widescreen.

[rdoubleoc · 7/10 · 22 June 2020]

The version I saw was 4:3 standard aspect ratio (but HD, somehow), which was my only major complaint.

Needs to be featured on MST3K

[MatthewRGonzales · 1/10 · 6 November 2023]

This is quite possibly the worst film ever made and I've watched a lot of Mystery Science Theater 3000. No definitive story, aimless plot, bad acting from main characters and horrible cameo choices. Worst of all, it's just not funny.

I bought this on dvd back in 2005 before looking up any reviews. I don't think I could pay anyone to take it.

I think I would rather watch Passion of the Christ or Titanic sequels before subjecting my eyes and brain to something of this cognitively depreciating magnitude.

If this film has not already been lampooned by the Mystery Science Theater 3000 team, it needs to be. Then the film might become a hit.