Haggard (2003 Video)

Bam Margera: Valo

Photos 

Quotes 

• Valo : You paint your face fluorescent yellow and you want a sip of my booze? Fuck off!

• [Glauren and Hellboy are having sex; Valo and Falcone are eavesdropping] 

  Glauren : Teenagers were meant to fuck.

  Valo : Did she just say "teenagers were meant to fuck"?

• [after showing Ryan the tape of Hellboy and Glauren having sex] 

  Ryan : I'm gonna rip Hellboy a new asshole.

  Valo : No, I think Hellboy ripped Glauren a new asshole.

• Valo : Yo, what was it like though, bein' in jail for the first time? Was it good?

  Ryan : Just drop it.

  Valo : Did you meet any new friends?

  Ryan : Just drop it, alright?

• Falcone : I will tell you everything, I'll let you know. You'll be so much smarter. Girls are like... a lake, you know? Like, you can jump right in, get in there, and then you're all used to it and everything's great. But come winter time

  [snaps fingers] 

  Falcone : that shit's fuckin' frozen. Then you're fucked. That's why I know the difference: I always pull out of it.

  Valo : What are you talking about? This food is making you crazy.

• Valo : What the hell is wrong with all my friends? Fuck.

• Valo : He definitely doesn't wear the pants in that relationship.

  Falcone : Pants? He wears girl's underwears.

• Valo : Why is Don Vito such a bitch about grapes?

  Falcone : Yeah, Don Vito's a whore about grapes.

• Beth : I think those are the most innovative people I've ever seen.

  Valo : Are you kidding me? I think that's the most asinine shit I've ever seen apart from that ghetto ass fuck machine!

• Raab : See you Valo.

  Valo : God-damn, I don't know him.

• Valo : Some girl stabbed Ryan in the eye, now he's gotta rock a pirate-patch for at least a month.

• Dooly : Bro, why weren't you at the rager last night?

  Valo : What rager? Maybe 'cause you didn't call me up and invite me.

  Dooly : Watch your mouth, sweetheart.

• Valo : Let me guess: some sort of experiment?

  Falcone : Spearmint? I'd rather Wintergreen. What are you talkin' about?

  Valo : The TV. It's sideways.

  Falcone : Why wouldn't it be sideways? I have to watch it with my neck straight, so I'm comfortable. Otherwise I'd have a taco neck, ya know?

  Valo : Did you take acid?

  Falcone : ...yea.

• Valo : Yeah, well Your fucking brilliant plan just got me pissed on by Hellboy's sick dick. Thanks!

• Valo : I don't care if it's a car, I don't care if it's a Goddamn Batmobile. I don't want to drive with him.

• Ryan : [halfheartedly throws bottle] 

  Valo : That was the most pussified attempt I have ever seen.

• Valo : What the fuck is wrong with your face? We're about to perform a highly illegal break-in and you're on your way to a football game with your frat buddies!

• Valo : [Valo's voicemail message]  Yeah, I figured it'd be you, that's why I didn't answer it.

• Bartenders : What the hell?

  Valo : Oh, it's just Naked Dave.

• Valo : I popped the trunk for you!

  Falcone : Yeah, I popped a boner for you, fuck you.

• Officer : I gotta take you in.

  Valo : Aww, for the love of fucks sake, you CAN'T take him in.

  Officer : I gotta make an arrest here; I had a complaint...

  Valo : Whwhwhwh, wait, I got this sports watch, you can have it, here.

• Valo : Don't touch me, or I'll seriously kill your face, it's so hardcore.

• Valo : Tell him how Hellboy's in for it.

  Falcone : You know Hellboy? He's in for it.

• Valo : Alright dude, seriously just relax okay? Look at that girl over there. She's reading a book alone. If that's not an invitation, I don't know what is.

  Ryan Dunn : What are you talking about, Valo? It's a coffee shop. People like that come here to get away from people like us.

  Valo : She is looking for ass, I can see it.

  Ryan Dunn : What does it matter? I look like shit.

  Valo : Go talk to her.

  Ryan Dunn : What do I say?

  Valo : I don't know. Compliment her on that tattoo or something.

  Ryan Dunn : Yeah, that'll work. It sounds so fucking lame.

  Valo : Worked for Glauren.

• Valo : You've got a fucking rhinoceros on your chest! What the hell did you do?

  Ryan : I just got a tattoo...

  Valo : It looks ri-Goddamn-diculous!

• Valo : When was the last time you beat off?

  Ryan : ...What?

  Valo : When was the last time you beat off?

• Valo : Seriously, knock that shit off. I'm going to punch your throat off your body. I'm walking over here. If you follow me, I'm gonna kill you.