- Hamlet: But soft, it is Ophelia!
- [pause]
- Hamlet: But soft, IT IS OPHELIA!
- Ophelia (Mr. Lunt): [being pushed onstage by Archibald] I don't want to do it! It's embarrassing!
- Archibald Asparagus: Don't be ridiculous! It's tradition! In Shakespeare's day, all the women's roles were played by men!
- Ophelia (Mr. Lunt): [pause; Archibald has pushed Mr. Lunt all the way onto the stage] I think we're gonna get letters about this.
- Larry: Golly - what's your name?
- Scallion #1: They've never given me a name. I've been around since show one and I still don't have a name!
- Percy Pea: Just guess where my ships are.
- Hamlet: Oh, ok... 2B?
- Percy Pea: Not 2B.
- Hamlet: Drat; you're turn.
- Hamlet: To eat or not to eat, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler to share my eggs cooked light and fluffy, or to scarf down the whole thing myself. To share, or not to share...
- Larry the Cucumber: [singing] If Olaf finds out, you'll be in big trouble!
- Bob: Uh, Sven, you can just talk.
- Archibald Asparagus: You'll never work on the West End again!