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- James Carter: Whoa, man. I ain't going in there!
- Lee: Come on!
- James Carter: There's rats in there!
- Lee: There's no rats!
- James Carter: Look at that rat!
- [Lee leaves, and Carter reluctantly follows]
- James Carter: Who died, Lee?
- Lee: You!
- James Carter: Detective Yu?
- Lee: Not Yu, you!
- James Carter: Who?
- Lee: You!
- James Carter: Who?
- Lee: Do you understand the words that are a-coming out of my mouth?
- James Carter: Don't nobody understand the words that are comin' out of your mouth.
- Lee: Let me tell you something about Asians, we never panic.
- James Carter: Oh yeah, when Godzilla be coming, y'all be trippin': "Giaca! Giaca!"
- Lee: These men are Triads. The most deadly gang in China.
- James Carter: You think they scare me? I'm from Los Angeles, man. We invented gangs!
- James Carter: [after Hu Li is knocked out] You know, we could have been a good couple. We could have had something special. But you one crazy-ass bitch!
- [in Cantonese]
- Kenny: [pointing to Carter] Why are you hangin' out with 7-11?
- Lee: 7-11?
- Kenny: Because his mouth never closes.
- Lee: Oh!
- [laughing]
- James Carter: [in English] Hey! I heard that! I heard that. Don't be talkin' 'bout me, Man.
- [Carter attempted to speak Chinese to everybody but had no idea what he said]
- James Carter: What did I just say?
- Lee: You just ask everybody to pick up their Samurai swords and shave your butt.
- Lee: You are a civilian. In Hong Kong, *I* am Michael Jackson and *you* are Toto.
- James Carter: You mean Tito! Toto is what we ate for dinner last night!
- James Carter: How come you ain't got no black people performing in this casino? We ain't good enough for you?
- Pit Boss: We got Lionel Ritchie!
- James Carter: Lionel Ritchie ain't been black since the commodores!
- [about to fight Hu Li]
- James Carter: I'm gonna pretend you a man. A very beautiful man with a great body that I'd like to take to the movies.
- [during a fight scene with a bunch of Chinese men]
- James Carter: [after accidentally punching Lee] Sorry, man!
- Lee: Carter!
- James Carter: All y'all look alike!
- James Carter: Why didn't you tell me you had a bomb in your mouth?
- Lee: I did.
- James Carter: No you did not!
- Lee: I said "mmm!"
- James Carter: What the hell is "mmm! mmm!"
- Lee: mmm, mmm. Bomb!
- [Carter tried to pick up two girls in Chinese]
- James Carter: All I did was invite them to have a drink.
- Lee: You invited them to get naked and sacrifice a small goat.
- James Carter: Which word was 'goat'?
- James Carter: [In a casino] I have a dream! That white people, and black people... and even Chinese people, can gamble together without getting different chips!
- Audience: [Applause, Cheering]
- James Carter: [Sees that Lee no longer needs a distraction] Whoa, whoa, whoa... in the spirit of brotherhood... let's just play craps man.
- James Carter: Just tell me how the Triads gonna kill us.
- Lee: They will torture us for three days.
- James Carter: Okay, I can handle that.
- Lee: Then they will cut off our eggrolls.
- James Carter: Cut off our eggrolls? Hell no! Lets get the hell outta here! C'mon man, don't give up!
- James Carter: Don't be messing with me, Lee. I will slap you so hard you'll end up in the Ming Dynasty. I mean it man, I'll bitch slap you back to Bangkok!
- James Carter: Secret Service Agent James Carter, I like the sound of it. Won't be long before I'm in Washington D.C. protectin' the President.
- Lee: We both know you wouldn't take a bullet for someone else.
- James Carter: Yeah but they don't know that.
- Lee: I'm sorry.
- James Carter: You sorry? I got somebodies old chopsticks stuck up my ass and all you gotta say to me is you sorry?
- [outtake, cell phone rings and Tucker answers]
- James Carter: Hello? I'm filming man. Call me back at 7... I'm filming, I'm looking at Jackie Chan dead in his eye. Call me back.
- Lee: [pointing at the camera] We're on a... We're...
- James Carter: Call me back!
- Lee: Are you a professional? We are filming and you turn on your phone?
- James Carter: No, you can't speak to Jackie Chan.
- [crew laughter]
- James Carter: No! They want to speak to you, Jackie.
- Lee: [Tucker hands the phone to Jackie] Hello?
- James Carter: I'm sorry about this.
- Lee: We're... We're filming right now!
- [crew laughter]
- Lee: You're sorry? You wasted all our film!
- James Carter: [Takes phone back] Call me back later, 7 o'clock!
- [Tucker hangs up, crew applause and laughter, Jackie points at Tucker]
- James Carter: Lee, let me introduce you to Carter's new theory of criminal investigation: follow the rich white man.
- Lee: Follow the rich white man?
- James Carter: Behind every big crime there's a rich white man waiting for his cut.
- James Carter: [Snatching away a Chinese gangster's towel and looking at him naked] No wonder you mad!
- James Carter: All right, listen up! All the Triads and the ugly women on this side, and all the fine women on this side, right now!
- [Carter has just been hit on by the gay Versace Salesman]
- James Carter: Did you see that?
- Lee: He likes you.
- James Carter: I ain't shopping with you no more.
- James Carter: Oh I know I don't think I see what I see what I'm thinking. I know good and well y'all ain't gambling back here, this supposed to be a Chinese Restaurant!
- James Carter: Couldn't help noticin' how she was staring at a brother.
- Lee: She never even look at you.
- James Carter: You just jealous, Lee, 'cause women like me. I'm tall, dark and hansome and you third world ugly.
- Lee: I am not third world ugly, women think I'm cute. Like Snoopy.
- James Carter: Lee, Snoopy is 6 inches taller than you.
- Kenny: How you gonna come up in here and jam me up like this James, huh? You embarass me in front of my wife, my kids out there.
- James Carter: Kenny you embarassin' yourself, you a black man with a Chinese restaurant on Crenshaw.
- Ricky Tan: I enjoyed that little story you told about the dragon and the treasure. My mother used to tell it to me all the time. Do you know the moral of that story?
- Steven Reign: Greed will imprison us all.
- [Ricky stabs Reign]
- Ricky Tan: I hate that fortune cookie shit.
- James Carter: No, I'm Lee's new muscle. And don't let this robe fool you, this is the only color they had left.
- Lee: I always dreamed of going to Madison Square Gardens, see the Knicks play.
- James Carter: New York City?
- Lee: First class.
- James Carter: The Plaza hotel.
- Lee: Maybe some mu shu.
- James Carter: I could use another vacation.
- James Carter: [In a casino] My people did not go through 362 years of slavery just so you could send us back to the cotton fields with $500 chips!
- James Carter: I don't like my chickens alive, I like 'em dead and deep fried. You ever heard of Popeye's?
- James Carter: When the shootin' started, he was way too cool. And normally when there's shootin' white people aren't that cool, man. They either run around in circles, or screaming out 'Aaaaagh!'
- James Carter: [after Lee kicks Ricky Tan out of a window and onto a cab] Damn! Good kick, Lee.
- Lee: It was an accident.
- James Carter: That's okay. We'll just say he tried to catch a cab.
- Lee: [exasperated sigh] You will never understand me.
- James Carter: You right, because I didn't even understand what you said to me right then!
- Lee: I'll meet you at the bar in ten minutes. They don't like tourists in here, so try to blend in.
- James Carter: Blend in? I'm two feet taller than everyone in here.
- James Carter: Hey Lee! What are you doing?
- Lee: ...Dancing
- James Carter: Dancing! Man, im up here working, putting my life on the line, and you up here messing around, dancing with some Bimbo... Does she have a friend?
- James Carter: Whoa, man. I ain't going in there!
- Lee: Come on!
- James Carter: There's rats in there!
- Lee: There's no rats!
- James Carter: Look at that rat!
- [Lee leaves, and Carter reluctantly follows]
- [outtake]
- James Carter: Gotta be somethin' you want?
- Lee: I've always wanted to go to Square Mad - -...
- Lee: I always want to go to square... I
- [pause]
- Lee: Shhhh!
- Lee: I've always dreamed to Square Marden...
- [Jackie and Chris laugh]
- Lee: I always wanted to go to Square 3,2...
- [laughing and Jackie tampers]
- Lee: Now I'm gone. Now I'm nervous. Every garden I'm nervous! Madison Square Garden.
- Lee: I always want to go to Square...
- [Jackie and Chris laugh]
- Ricky Tan: [while Lee is holding him at gunpoint] Would you like me to tell you how your father died?
- [Lee cocks his gun]
- James Carter: Hey, hey. Wait one second, Lee. It ain't worth it, man. He's trying to trick you. Don't go too far, man.
- Ricky Tan: He never begged for his life. Or tried to make a deal.
- James Carter: Put the gun down.
- Ricky Tan: All he asked me... just seconds before I pulled the trigger... was that I promise not to kill you. Oh, he was so pathetic.
- James Carter: Oh hell no, he done went too far now, Lee. Shoot his ass right now, Lee. Shoot his ass!
- Ricky Tan: What are you doing to do, Lee?
- James Carter: All you gotta do is pull that trigger back and BAM!
- Ricky Tan: Are you going to spend the rest of your life hiding like your father?
- James Carter: Man, don't let him talk about your daddy like that! Shoot him, Lee!
- Ricky Tan: Can't do it, can you?
- James Carter: Yes, hell you can Lee. Ain't nobody up here but us, man.
- Ricky Tan: Just as I thought.
- James Carter: Go off on him, man, he's trying to punk you! Shoot him!
- Ricky Tan: Go on!
- James Carter: If you ain't gonna shoot him, kung fu his ass or something!
- Old Lady on Stairs in Bamboo-Climbing Fight: [to James Carter] Move aside, Kobe!
- James Carter: [Approaching a Chinese soul food restaurant] This is my informer's place. They got some good ribs here too.
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