House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

Sid Haig: Captain Spaulding

Photos 

Quotes 

• Killer Karl : That is it! I'm gonna count to ten and you're gonna hand over all the cash, or I'm gonna splatter your grease paint mug across the state line! One...

  Captain Spaulding : Fuck yo mama!

  Killer Karl : Two...

  Captain Spaulding : Fuck yo sister!

  Killer Karl : Three...

  Captain Spaulding : Fuck yo grandma!

• [From the DVD menu select screen] 

  Captain Spaulding : Well, shit the bed! Howdy folks, come on in! Well, I can see by those fancy britches and sassy hairdos that you all ain't from around here. So, where ya from?

  [holds hand to ear] 

  Captain Spaulding : I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Ah, I see. All y'all's must be mutes, cause ya wouldn't be fuckin' with me, now would ya?

• Captain Spaulding : You miserable motherfucker, I ought to leap over this counter and bash your fuckin' balls in!

  Killer Karl : All right, Tippy! Hand over the cash box, and I might leave your brains inside your skull!

  Captain Spaulding : Well, I'll tell you what, Ski King. Why don't you just take your Mama home some chicken and then I won't have to stuff my boot all up in your ass!

  Killer Karl : I don't like chicken! And I hate clowns!

• Captain Spaulding : Howdy Folks! You like blood? Violence? Freaks of nature? Well then, come on down to Captain Spaulding's Museum of Monsters and Mad-Men. See the Alligator Boy, ride my famous Murder Ride. Most of all, don't forget to take home some of my tasty fried chicken! Ha ha! It just tastes so damn good!

• Captain Spaulding : [after shooting Killer Karl]  Goddamn, motherfucker got blood all over my best clown suit.

• Captain Spaulding : But MOST of all... fuck YOU!

• [two masked holdup men break into Captain Spaudling's place to rob it] 

  Captain Spaulding : Mary fuckin' Moses! Y'all get the fuck outta here!

  Killer Karl : Hands up! Keep your paws where I can see 'em.

  Richard Wick : [stuttering]  Yeah... d-don't move or I'll b-blast a hole the size of a k-Kansas City watermelon through... your ugly-ass b-bozo face!

  Captain Spaulding : What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

• Captain Spaulding : Let me ask you something. How come you're asking me so many jackassy questions?

  Bill Hudley : My friends and I are on a road trip. We're driving across country and writing a book on off-beat roadside attractions. You know, the crazy shit you see when you're driving across the country.

  Captain Spaulding : I don't drive cross country.

  Bill Hudley : But if you did...

  Captain Spaulding : But I don't.

  Bill Hudley : Yeah, but supposing for a second you did.

  Captain Spaulding : [laughs]  You little dickens, you. I know what your problem is.

  Bill Hudley : What's that?

  Captain Spaulding : [getting angry]  Ya'll think us folk from the country's real funny-like, dontcha?

  Bill Hudley : Jerry...

  Captain Spaulding : Yeah, well, saddle up the mule, Ma! Slide me some grits! I's got to get me some edu-cation, uh hu hu hu.

  Bill Hudley : Jerry...

  Captain Spaulding : You asshole!

• [last lines] 

  Captain Spaulding : Sweet baby Jesus, girl. What the hell happened to you?

  Denise Willis : [mumbling]  I got away.

  Captain Spaulding : You... hey, I recognize you. Oh, there's a whole bunch of people been looking for your ass, girl.

  Denise Willis : I gotta get to a doctor.

  Captain Spaulding : All right, all right. Just sit back and relax. I'll get you to a doctor.

  [Denise rests her head on the seat] 

  Captain Spaulding : That's it. I'll get you there.

• Lt. George Wydell : [holds a photo of Denise]  Have you seen this girl in the past 24 hours?

  Captain Spaulding : Yeah, cute kid. Ain't my type though. You know, I like 'em with a little more meat on 'em. Ha ha. The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'.

  Deputy Steve Naish : Come on, clownie, just answer the damn questions. We ain't interested in your love life.

  Lt. George Wydell : Cut the crap, Spaulding, and get with the facts.

• Stucky : [shows a topless autographed photo of June Wilkinson]  Shit, I can't do nothing with this now. I can't get rid of this. It ain't worth nothing. My name's all over it. I was gonna fix it to trade it with Jackie Cobb.

  Captain Spaulding : That retard who hangs out at Molly's fruit stand? For the lot of me, I do not understand why you hang out with that asshole.

  Stucky : He's one horny retard.

  Captain Spaulding : Well hell, aren't they all? All they want to do is eat and fuck.

  Stucky : Well, if you knew him better you might understand his urges.

  Captain Spaulding : Worse than a rabid-ass baboon.

  Stucky : You know what his favorite thing is next to whacking his weasel? He takes a sharpened pencil, sticks it in his eyeball and twists it.

  Captain Spaulding : What?

  Stucky : He doesn't hurt himself. He kind of twists it next to his eyeball.

  Captain Spaulding : Oh, he's been putting that pencil someplace other than his eyeball.

  Stucky : Oh no, he don't do anything like that. Although one time, he got caught with a Planet of the Apes doll stuck up his asshole.

  Captain Spaulding : [laughing]  God damn!

  Stucky : They had to take him to the hospital. The kid had Dr. Zaius stuck halfway up his butt and they couldn't get it out!

• Captain Spaulding : [written on Cap. Spaulding's t-shirt]  "If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I'd fart."

• Lt. George Wydell : What did you see? Who was she with? Where was she going?

  Captain Spaulding : I don't know. Yeah, that girl was in here last night. She was with three other stupid kids. They was nosing around... asking a bunch of stupid questions.

  Deputy Steve Naish : Questions about what?

  Captain Spaulding : I don't know. This and that. Mostly a bunch of tired Dr. Satan bullshit.

  [sighs] 

  Captain Spaulding : Look, they caught a gander at the display in the back and they figured they'd run out and solve the great big Deadwood mystery about Dr. Satan.

  Lt. George Wydell : And how'd they get that idea?

  Captain Spaulding : I wrote 'em a map... out to the old farm road that runs past the Hanging Tree. I figured, what the hell? Can't do no harm. Besides, it's good for my tourist trade. Ha, ha!

  Deputy Steve Naish : You can shit ten bricks for all I care.

• Deputy Steve Naish : What else happened?

  Captain Spaulding : [getting angry and agitated]  Nothin'. You ask me, those stupid ass kids probably got turned around ass backwards and got themselves lost.

  Lt. George Wydell : Is that all? Now, I want you to think really hard.

  [Spaulding scratches his head with his forefinger, mocking "thinking hard"] 

  Captain Spaulding : Well, I don't ridley know. You see, they wasn't in here long enough for me to get up close and personal with 'em like I do with most of the other assholes that come wondering in here!

• Captain Spaulding : Buddy, look around. Would I be surprised?