George Carlin: Carlin on Campus (1984 TV Special)

George Carlin: Self, Various Characters

Quotes 

• George Carlin : Rat shit, bat shit, dirty old twat! Sixty-nine assholes tied in a knot! Hooray! Lizard shit! Fuck!

• George Carlin : So I say live and let live. That's my motto: Live and let live. Anyone who can't go along with that, take 'em outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family.

• George Carlin : Have you ever noticed, when you're driving, that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is a *maniac*?

• George Carlin : You ready for some fun? Well, you know they say blondes have more fun. Unfortunately, they also have more VD.

• George Carlin : Think for a moment about the concept of the flamethrower. Okay? The flamethrower. Because we have them. Well, *we* don't have them, the army has them. That's right. We don't have any flamethrowers. I'd say we're fucked if we have to go up against the army, wouldn't you? But we have flamethrowers. And what this indicates to me, it means that at some point, some person said to himself, "Gee, I sure would like to set those people on fire over there. But I'm way too far away to get the job done. If only I had something that would throw flame on them." Well, it might have ended right there, but he mentioned it to his friend. His friend who was good with tools. And about a month later, he was back. "Hey, quite a concept!" WHHOOOOOOOOSSHHH! And of course the army heard about it, and they came around. "We'd like to buy about five hundred-thousand of them please. We have some people we'd like to throw flame on. Give us five hundred thousand and paint them dark brown. We don't want anyone to see them."

• [his requests to God] 

  George Carlin : Please, God, let me do a good show tonight. Don't let me be an asshole.

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : Don't let anyone yell "too late."

  [an audience member yells out "too late!"] 

  George Carlin : And punish those who do.

  [laughter] 

• [about his dog, Tippy] 

  George Carlin : One time I fed Tippy Cracker-Jacks. 'Cause that's what I was having. Hey, sounded like a good meal to me. Cracker-Jacks and tap water. She ate about a box-and-a-half, Cracker-Jack. And the next day I took her for a walk... she took a Cracker-Jack! Cracker-Jack was coming out of my dog! I was waiting for the surprise, you know? Hoping it wasn't a whistle or a bird call! There's certain basic hygiene that you simply have to follow.

• George Carlin : Reminds me of something my grandfather used to say. He used to say "I'm going upstairs and fuck your grandma." Well, he was just a really honest man, you know? He wasn't going to bullshit a four year old.

• George Carlin : Do you realize that Ex-Lax is really just old bad chocolate that gives you the runs?

• George Carlin : I don't believe you're supposed to cheer a prayer. But we do still have time for a quick Hail Mary.

  [an audience member yells out "Hail Mary!"] 

  George Carlin : Not quite that quick, sir.

  [laughter] 

• George Carlin : Our father, who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible, as it is in heaven. Give us this day, as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. And crown thy good into temptation, but deliver us from the twilight, amen.

• George Carlin : I have a good understanding with God; I don't understand him, he doesn't understand me. And we have a nice arrangement; I don't ask for anything I don't need, he doesn't give me anything I don't want. And we've agreed not to let his son interfere in our relationship. So often, a relative can get in the way.

• [last lines] 

  George Carlin : [voiceover]  Silent film star Mark Dunbar died today in Hollywood. He had no last words. However he did make several gestures.

  [the man makes several gestures before fading to black]