George Carlin: 40 Years of Comedy (1997 TV Special)

George Carlin: Self

Quotes 

• George Carlin : [about food advertising]  Then you have "gourmet." Here's another word the advertising cretins have completely wiped their asses with: "gourmet." Gourmet dining in a cup. Gourmet cuisine in a can. By the way, whenever you hear "cuisine" in place of food, be prepared to pay an extra 80%. Gourmet rolls. Gourmet coffee. Gourmet pizza. These things do not exist! You want to know a gourmet food? Toasted snail penises. Candied moose balls. Deep-dish yak dick. Gourmet!

• George Carlin : [about food advertising]  So, let's take a look at some of these words: "old-fashioned." When you hear "old-fashioned," you're supposed to think, "Oh! This goes back to the old days!" Right, the old days, before we had sanitation laws. Before hygiene became popular. Back when botulism was still considered a sauce. Old-fashioned is supposed to give you a warm feeling, make you think about your grandmother. Well, I don't know about you, but when I'm picking out food, I don't want to be picturing 90 pounds of wrinkles in a black dress with a big hairy mole sticking out and an infected lip. Old-fashioned.

• George Carlin : Now we're gonna lighten up a little bit. We're gonna go back to advertising, and we're gonna go on a little bullshit hunt. A little bullshit hunt. Gonna look at some advertising lingo, especially food advertising. You know the people: fresh, natural, hearty, old-fashioned, homemade goodness in a can. That kind of stuff.

• George Carlin : Here's another full-of-shit food word: "hearty." Soup is hearty. Breakfast is hearty. You know what I do when I hear "hearty?" I look at the label. Hmm! 300 grams of saturated fat. Hearty, as in *heart attack*!

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : It's the same with "buttery" and "lemony" and "chocolatey." "Real chocolatey goodness." You know what that means? No fucking chocolate!

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : And beware when they add the word "flavored" to another word. "Lemon-flavored drink." No fucking lemons!

• George Carlin : Now, one more food word before I completely change the subject on you: "natural." This is directed to all you health food fiends, environmental nitwits, and yuppie cocksuckers who are running around in your natural fibers.

  [whoops and applause] 

  George Carlin : Your natural fibers. The word "natural" is completely meaningless. Everything is natural. Nature includes everything. It's not just trees and flowers. It's *everything*! A company's chemical toxic waste is completely natural. It's part of nature. We're all part of nature. Everything is natural. Dog shit is natural, it's just not real good food.

• George Carlin : [on food advertising lingo]  Then you have "homemade." Homemade. You see this on the packages at the supermarkets. Folks, believe me, it is physically impossible for a food processing plant to produce anything homemade. I don't care if the CEO is living in the basement and cooking on a hot plate. It's not gonna happen. And you shouldn't be eating packaged foods and processed foods anyway. They're no good for you. You know I stop eating processed foods? I started picturing the people who were doing the processing. Next time you're on the bus and you see some guy with gangrene on his hands, just picture him on the assembly line putting pieces of chicken in a box. That'll cure you! Then go home and eat some fucking grapes.

  [applause] 

  George Carlin : Homemade. You see "homemade" in the restaurants, too. "Homemade soup." I don't care how much the amphetamine-driven waitress with the Marlboro lines in her face remind you of your mother, the soup is not homemade. Unless, someone is living in the kitchen, and if that's the case, I want to get a good look at this motherfucker. I want to check this guy for lesions, carbuncles, impetigo, pinkeye, and ringworm. And head lice.

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : Then, you have "home-style." When the advertising imbeciles realize that "homemade" sounds too full of shit, they go to "home-style." "Home-style flavor." Huh, whose home are we talking about? Jeffrey Dahmer's? Believe me, there's nothing home-style of the boiling head of a Cambodian teenager. Okay? Even if you sprinkle parsley on the hair.

  [whoops and laughters] 

  George Carlin : And any time they add the word "style" to another word, someone is pulling your prick. "Old-style goodness." What does that mean? Nothing! It means nothing! "New York style deli." Means it's not located in New York. That's all it means, or else they wouldn't say it in the first place. It's located in Calgary and the owner's from Hong Kong, and the food tastes like what the Bangladeshis throw away.

  [laughter and brief applause] 

  George Carlin : "Chicago-style pizza." That means the night manager once changed planes at O'Hare. "Family-style restaurant." You know what that means? It means there's an argument going on at every table, two people are crying, and the eldest male is punching the women. Family style! Family style!