Denis Leary credited as playing...
Self
- Denis Leary: Smoking takes ten years off your life. Well it's the ten worst years, isn't it folks? It's the ones at the end! It's the wheelchair, kidney dialysis, adult diaper fucking years. You can have those years! We don't want 'em, alright?
- Denis Leary: I recently read an interview in Rolling Stone, where he advocated that people should not do drugs, KEITH RICHARDS said that we should not do drugs. Keith, we can't do anymore drugs, BECAUSE YOU ALREADY FUCKIN' DID THEM ALL! There's none left, we have to wait until you die so we can smoke you're ashes, alright!
- Denis Leary: Remember Jim Fixx? The big famous jogging guy? Jogged fifteen miles a day. Did a jogging book. Did a jogging video. Dropped dead of a heart attack when? When he was fucking jogging, that's when!
- Denis Leary: Happiness comes in small doses folks. It's a cigarette butt, or a chocolate chip cookie or a five second orgasm. You come, you smoke the butt you eat the cookie you go to sleep wake up and go back to fucking work the next morning, THAT'S IT! End of fucking list!
- [about people who complain that their lives haven't turned out the way they wanted]
- Denis Leary: Hey, join the fucking club! I thought I was going to be the starting center fielder for the Boston Red Sox! Life sucks, get a fucking helmet, alright?
- Denis Leary: I'm a little hyped up tonight. I smoked a nice big fat bag of crack right before the show. AHHH! I'm only kidding, folks. I would never do crack. I would never do crack. I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass.
- Denis Leary: We live in a country where John Lennon takes six bullets in the chest, Yoko Ono was standing right next to him, not ONE FUCKING BULLET! Explain that to me God!
- Denis Leary: It doesn't matter how big the warnings on the cigarettes are; you could have a black pack, with a skull and crossbones on the front, called TUMORS, and smokers would be around the block going, "I can't wait to get my hands on these fucking things! I bet ya get a tumor as soon as you light up!"
- Denis Leary: What's the problem with just smoking a joint, eating a couple of twinkies, and going to sleep, was that a problem?
- Denis Leary: Sorry folks, I'm a little hyped up, I was smoking a big, fat bag of crack right before the show, AHHH!
- Denis Leary: I think Billy Martin said it best when he said "hey"
- [takes a drink of beer]
- Denis Leary: "I can drive"
- Denis Leary: Do we need a two-and-a-half hour movie about the Doors? No, we don't. I can sum it up for you in five seconds, OK. I'm drunk. I'm nobody. I'm drunk. I'm famous. I'm drunk. I'm fucking dead. There's the whole movie, OK?
- Denis Leary: That's why I'm glad Jesus died when he did. Because if he lived to be 40, he would have ended up like Elvis. He was famous already at that point. If he lived to be 40, he'd be walking around Jerusalem with a big fat beer gut and black side burns going, Damn, I'm the son of God. Give me a cheeseburger and french fries right now.
- Denis Leary: New York teaches you to live life the way it should be lived. Moment to moment. Yes, because every moment in New York could be your last. Oh yeah. You could be walking down the street tomorrow, feeling good about yourself, drink free, drug free, looking forward to the future and somebody accidentally nudges their poodle off of a 75th floor ledge. And he's headed for the ground at a hundred-and-seventy-five thousand miles per hour. And curchunk he's imbedded in your head! You're dead on contact. The headline in the Post the next day reads, Man killed by best friend.
- Denis Leary: Explain it to me. Heavy metal bands on trial because kids commit suicide, what is that about? Judas Priest on trial because my kid bought the records, and he listened to the lyrics, and he got into Satan... ALLALALALALALLALA! Well that's great. That sets a legal precedent. Does that mean I can sue Dan Fogelberg for making me into a pussy in the mid '70s, is that possible, HUH?
- Denis Leary: There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid.
- Denis Leary: Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream. About me. About you. The way our American hearts beat down in the bottom of our chests. About the special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles, maybe in the sub-cockle area. Maybe in the liver. Maybe in the kidneys. Maybe even in the colon, we don't know.
- Denis Leary: I'm sick and tired of our generation being called the TV generation. What do you expect? We watched Lee Harvey Oswald get his brains blown out all over. How could we change the channel after that?