George Carlin: You Are All Diseased (1999 TV Special)

George Carlin: Self

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Quotes 

• George Carlin : Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do *any* of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever till the end of time! But he *loves you*.

• George Carlin : Another thing I'm getting tired of is when after six policemen get arrested for sticking a floor lamp up some black guy's ass and ripping his intestines out, the police department announces they're going to have "sensitivity training".

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : I say, "Hey, if you need special training to be told not to jam a large, cumbersome object up someone else's asshole, maybe you're too fucked up to be on the police force in the first place."

• George Carlin : I don't think white people should be trying to dance like blacks. Stop that! Stick to your faggoty polkas and waltzes! And that repulsive country line dancing shit that you do. And be yourself, be proud, be white, be lame, and get the fuck off the dance floor!

• George Carlin : [about why people elected and reelected Bill Clinton]  The American people like their bullshit right up front, where they can get a good, strong whiff of it. Clinton might be full of shit, but at least he lets you know it. Dole tried to hide it, didn't he? Dole kept saying, "I'm a plain and honest man." Bullshit! People don't believe that. What did Clinton say? He said, "Hi, folks! I'm completely full of shit, and how do you like that?" And the people said, "You know something? At least he's honest!"

• George Carlin : I don't have pet peeves; I have major psychotic fucking hatreds, okay? And it makes the world a lot easier to sort out.

• George Carlin : Here's another example of overprotection. You ever notice on the TV news every time some guy with an AK47 strolls on to a school yard and kills three or four kids and a couple of teachers, the next day... the next day, the school in overrun with counsellors and psychiatrics and grief counselors and trauma therapists trying to help the child cope. Shit, when I was in school, someone came to our school and killed three or four of us, we went right on with our arithmetic: "35 classmates minus 4... equals 31". We were tough.

• George Carlin : I'm thinking of opening up a motel and calling it "The Sleep and Fuck". Wouldn't that be a good, honest name for a motel? Who needs this "Shady Pines" bullshit? "The Sleep and Fuck" motel. Get me one of them big neon signs: "Sleep", "Fuck", "Sleep", "Fuck". "Sleep and Fuck!" "Sleep and Fuck!" "Sleep and Fuck!" "Sleep," "Fuck," "Sleep," "Fuck."

• George Carlin : I decided to look around for something else to worship; something I can really count on and immediately I thought of the sun. Happened like that...

  [snaps fingers] 

  George Carlin : ...overnight, I became a sun worshiper. Well, not overnight; you can't see the sun at night... but first thing the next morning.

• George Carlin : There's a lot of things you use to kill a guy with. You could probably beat a guy to death with a Sunday New York Times!

• George Carlin : Whoever coined the phrase "let the buyer beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole.

• George Carlin : That's another thing they don't like at the airport: jokes. You know?

  [applause] 

  George Carlin : Yeah, you can't joke about a bomb! Well, why is it just jokes? What about a riddle?

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : How about a limerick?

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : How about a bomb anecdote? You know, no punchline, just a really cute story. Or suppose you intended to remark, not as a joke, but as an ironic musing. Are they prepared to make that distinction? Why, I think NOT.

• George Carlin : This is my idea for one of those big, outdoor summer festivals. This is called Slug Fest. This is for men only. Here's what you do. You get about a hundred thousand of these fucking men. You know the ones I mean. These macho motherfuckers. These strutting, preening, posturing, hairy, sweaty, alpha male jackoffs. The muscle assholes. You take about a hundred thousand of these disgusting pricks, and you throw them in a big dirt arena, big twenty-five acre dirt arena. And you just let them beat the shit out of each other

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : for twenty-four hours non-stop. No food, no water, just whiskey and PCP. And you just let them punch and pound and kick the shit out of each other until only one guy is left standing, then you take that guy and you put him on a pedestal and you shoot him in the fucking head.

  [laughter and applause] 

  George Carlin : Yeah, yeah. Then you put the whole thing on TV. Budweiser would jump at that shit in half a minute. And guys would volunteer. Guys would line up. All you gotta do is promise them a small appliance of some kind. Men will do anything; just give them something that plugs in the wall and makes a whirring noise.

• George Carlin : Everybody knows by now, all businessmen are completely full of shit; just the worst kind of low-life, criminal, cocksuckers you could ever want to run into - a fuckin' piece-of-shit businessman. And the proof of it, the proof of it is, they don't even trust each other. They don't trust one another. When a businessman sits down to "negotiate a deal", the first he does is to automatically assume that the other guy is a complete, lying prick who's trying to fuck him out of his money. So he's got to do everything he can to fuck the other guy a little bit faster and a little bit harder. And he's gotta do it with a big *smile* on his face. You know that big, bullshit businessman smile? And if you're a customer, whoa! That's when you get the *really* big smile! Customer always gets that really big smile, as the businessman carefully positions himself directly behind the customer, and unzips his pants, and proceeds to "service the account"!

• George Carlin : Here would be a good name for a gay restaurant: The Mouthful.

  [laughter and disgusted moans] 

  George Carlin : Come on, that's clever shit! That's a double pun, god damn it. You didn't think of. Besides, you don't have to eat there if you don't want to. No, no. Just go in, have a "cock"tail. Or a high"ball".

• George Carlin : [about the United States' hypochondria]  You can't even get a decent hamburger anymore. They cook the shit out of everything now, 'cause everybody's afraid of *food poisoning*! Hey, where's your sense of adventure? Take a fucking chance, will ya? You know how many people die in this country from food poisoning every year? Nine thousand! That's all! It's a minor risk! Take a fucking chance, bunch of goddamn pussies! Besides, what do you think you have an immune system for? It's for killing germs! But it needs practice. It needs germs to practice on.

• George Carlin : If you kill all the germs around you and live a completely sterile life, then when germs do come along, you're not gonna be prepared. And never mind ordinary germs. What are you gonna do when some supervirus comes along that turns your vital organs into liquid shit? I'll tell you what you're gonna do. You're gonna get sick, you're gonna die, and you're gonna *deserve it* 'cause you're *fucking* weak and you've got a *fucking* weak immune system!

• George Carlin : [on the security questions asked at the airport]  "Has any unknown person asked you to take anything on board?" Hmm. Well, what exactly is an unknown person? Surely, everyone is known to someone. In fact, just this morning, Kareem and Yusef Ali Ben Gabba seemed to know each other quite well. They kept joking about which one of my suitcases was the heaviest.

• George Carlin : Living in this country, you're bound to know, every time you're exposed to advertising, you realize once again that America's leading industry, America's most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution and marketing of bullshit. High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure, American bullshit. And the sad part is, is that most people seem to have been indoctrinated to believe that bullshit only comes from certain places, certain sources: advertising, politics, salesmen. Not true, bullshit is everywhere. Bullshit is rampant. Parents are full of shit, teachers are full of shit, clergymen are full of shit, and law enforcement people are full of shit. This entire country is completely full of shit, and always has been. From the Declaration of Independence to the Constitution to the Star-Spangled Banner, it's still nothing more than one big steaming pile of red, white and blue all-American bullshit.

• George Carlin : When it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize something is *fucked up*. Something is *wrong* here: war, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades! Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. Just between you and me, in between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would have been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago.

• George Carlin : As far as I'm concerned, all of this airport security, all the searches, the screenings, the cameras, the questions, it's just one more way of reducing your liberty and reminding you that they can fuck with you anytime they want, as long as you put up with it. As long as you put up with it. Which means, of course, anytime they want!

• George Carlin : [doing the Advertising Lullaby]  Quality, value, style, service, selection, convenience, economy, savings, performance, experience, hospitality, low rates, friendly service, name brands, easy terms, affordable prices, money-back guarantee, free installation, free admission, free appraisal, free alterations, free delivery, free home trial, and free parking. No cash? No problem. No kidding. No muss, no fuss, no risk, no obligation, no red tape, no down payment, no entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase necessary, no one will call on you, no payments of interest 'til September. But limited time only, though, so act now, order today, send no money. Offer good while supplies last. Two to a customer, each item sold separately, batteries not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final, allow six weeks for delivery. Some items not available, some assembly required, some restrictions may apply. So come on in. Come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation with our friendly professional staff. Our experienced and knowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a selection that's just right for you and just right for your budget. And say, don't forget to pick up your free gift, a classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury, prestige, high quality, premium select, gourmet pocket pencil sharpener. Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it's our way of saying thank you. And if you act now, we'll include an extra added, free, complimentary bonus gift, a classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury, prestige, high quality, premium select, gourmet combination key ring, magnifying glass and garden hose in a genuine imitation leather style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim. Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it's our way of saying thank you. Actually, it's our way of saying, "Bend over just a little bit farther, so we can stick this big advertising dick up your ass a little bit deeper!"

• George Carlin : White people got no business playing the blues ever, at all, under any circumstances. Ever, ever, ever. What the fuck do white people have to be blue about? "Banana Republic ran out of khakis"?

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : "The espresso machine is jammed"?

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : "Hootie and the Blowfish are breaking up"?

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : Shit, white people ought to understand their job is to *give* people the blues, not to get them. And certainly not to sing or play them. I'll tell you a little secret about the blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play. You got to know why they need to be played.

• George Carlin : [on the security questions asked at the airport]  "Have your bags been in your possession the whole time?" No. Usually, the night before I travel, just as the moon is rising, I place my suitcases out on the street corner and leave them there unattended for several hours. Just for good luck.

• George Carlin : Here's another guy thing that sucks: these t-shirts that say, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way". You ever see that? This is more of that stupid Marine Corps bullshit. Obsolete, male impulses from a hundred thousand years ago, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way". You know what I do when I see that shirt? I obstruct. I stand right in the guy's path, force him to walk around me, he gets a little past me, I spin him around kick him in the nuts, rip off his shirt, wipe it on my ass, and shove it down his fucking throat. Hey, listen, that's all these Marines are looking for, a good time.

• George Carlin : Remember, this is Mr. Conductor talking. I know what I'm talking about.

• [about airport security] 

  George Carlin : They'll take away a gun, but let you keep a knife. Well, what the fuck is that? In fact, there is a whole list of lethal objects they will allow you to take on board. Theoretically, you could take a knife, an ice pick, a hatchet, a straight razor, a pair of scissors, a chainsaw, six knitting needles, and a broken whiskey bottle, and the only thing they're going to say to you is, "That bag has to fit all the way under the seat in front of you."

• George Carlin : And if you didn't take a weapon on board, *relax*. After you've been flying for about an hour, they're going to *bring* you a knife and fork! They actually *give* you a fucking knife! It's only a table knife, but you could kill a pilot with a table knife. It might take you a couple minutes, you know, specially if he's hefty, huh? Yeah, but you can get the job done if you really wanted to kill the prick.

• [first lines] 

  George Carlin : So, lemme ask ya something. How's everybody doing tonight, huh?

  [audience cheers] 

  George Carlin : Good, well, *fuck you*! Just trying to make ya feel at home.

• George Carlin : Besides, an airplane ride shouldn't be completely safe. You need a little danger in your life! What are you gonna do, play with your prick for another thirty years? Read People magazine and eat at Wendy's 'til the end of time? Take a fuckin' chance! And besides, if we made airplanes completely safe, the terrorists would simply start bombing other places that are crowded. Porn shops, crack houses, titty bars, and gangbangs. You know, entertainment venues. The odds of you being killed by a terrorist are practically ZERO. So I say relax and enjoy the show.

• George Carlin : [on the security questions asked at the airport]  "Did you pack your bags yourself?" No, Carrot Top packed my bags. He and Martha Stewart and Florence Henderson came over to the house last night, fixed me a lovely Lobster Newberg, gave me a full body massage with sacred oils from India, performed a four-way around the world and then they packed my bags. Next question.

• [about the phrases "happens to be black" and "openly gay"] 

  George Carlin : You know, you wouldn't say someone was "openly black." Well, maybe James Brown. Or Louis Farrakhan. Louis Farrakhan is openly black. Colin Powell is not openly black. Colin Powell is openly white - he just happens to be black.

• George Carlin : In the bullshit department, a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman. 'Cause I gotta tell you the truth, folks. I gotta tell you the truth. When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe.

  [staggers for a moment] 

  George Carlin : In *awe* of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion.

  [whoops and hollers] 

  George Carlin : No contest. No contest! Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story every told.

• George Carlin : I have always been willing to put myself at great personal risk for the sake of entertainment. And I've always been willing to put *you* at great personal risk for the same reason.

• George Carlin : Names are an interest of mine. Not a hobby; hobbies cost money. Interests are free.

• George Carlin : Suppose you just had really big hands. Couldn't you strangle a flight attendant? Shit, you could probably strangle two of them, one with each hand! You know, if you were lucky enough to catch them in that little kitchen area, before they give out the fucking peanuts, you know? But you can get the job done, if you really cared enough.

• George Carlin : I became a sun worshiper; several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, kinda helps the credibility along, you know? So every day, I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need: heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake... and occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we're not setting people on fire simply because they don't agree with us.

• George Carlin : This country was founded by a group of slave-owners who told us all men are created equal. Oh yeah, all men, except for Indians and niggers and women, right? I always like to use that authentic American language. This was a small group of unelected, white, male, land-holding slave-owners who also suggested their class be the only one allowed to vote. Now, that is what's known as being stunningly and embarrassingly full of shit. And I think Americans really show their ignorance when they say they want their politicians to be honest. What are these fuckin' cretins talking about? If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse!

• George Carlin : I don't always wash my hands every time I go to the bathroom, okay? Can you deal with that? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. You know when I wash my hands? When I shit on them! That's the only time! That's the only... And you know how often that happens? Tops... Tops! Two, three times a week, tops. Maybe a little more frequently over the holidays, you know what I mean?

• George Carlin : I also know all you single dads and soccer moms who think you're such fucking heroes aren't gonna like this, but somebody's gotta tell you for your own good: your children are overrated and overvalued. You've turned them into little cult objects, you have a child fetish, and it's not healthy. And don't give me that weak shit: "Well, I love my children!" Fuck you! Everybody loves their children; it doesn't make you special. John Wayne Gacy loved his children. Kept them all out in the yard near the garage. That's not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is this constant, mindless yammering in the media, this completely neurotic fixation that somehow everything... EVERYTHING revolves around children. It's completely out of balance.

• George Carlin : Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan? Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well, suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a Divine Plan. What's the use of being God if every rundown schmuck with a two-dollar prayer book can come along and fuck up Your Plan? And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.

• George Carlin : Something else I'm getting tired of, is all this stupid bullshit we have to listen to all the time about children. It's all you hear in this country: children! Help the children! What about the children? Save the children! You know what I say? I say fuck the children! Fuck 'em! They are getting entirely too much attention. And I know what you're thinking. You're saying, "Jesus, he's not going to attack children, is he?" Yes, he is! He's going to attack children. And remember, this is Mr. Conductor talking; I know what I'm talking about.

• [about the United States' hypochondria] 

  George Carlin : It's ridiculous and it goes to ridiculous lengths! In prisons, before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol!

  [laughter and applause] 

  George Carlin : It's true! It's true. It's true! Well, they don't want you to get an infection! And you can see their point: wouldn't want some guy to go to Hell *and* be sick! It would a lot of the sportsmanship out of the whole execution.

• George Carlin : Do you know why it is, when a rancher fucks a sheep, he does so at the edge of a cliff? It's so the sheep will push back.

• George Carlin : [about God]  I honestly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man. No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this.

• [after his "invisible man in the sky" bit] 

  George Carlin : Now, you talk about a good bullshit story, HOLY SHIT!

• George Carlin : Here's another question I've been pondering: what is all this shit about angels? Have you heard this? Yeah, three out of four people now believe in angels. What are you, fucking stupid? Has everybody lost their fucking mind in this country? Angels, shit. You know what I think it is? I think it's a massive, collective, psychotic chemical flashback of all the drugs, ALL the drugs, smoked, swallowed, snorted, shot, and absorbed rectally by all Americans from 1960 to 1990. Thirty years of adulterated street drugs that'll get you some fucking angels, my friend!

• George Carlin : There's too much security at the airport. I'm tired of some guy with a double-digit I.Q. and a triple-digit income rooting around inside of my bag for no reason and never *finding* anything! Haven't found anything yet. Haven't found one bomb in one bag! And don't tell me, "Well, the terrorists know their bags are going to be searched, so now they're leaving their bombs at home." There are no bombs. The whole thing's fucking pointless! And, it's completely without logic. There's no logic at all!

• George Carlin : If you want to know how you can help your children, LEAVE THEM THE FUCK ALONE!

• George Carlin : Personally, I never take any special precautions against germs. I don't shy away from people who sneeze and cough, I don't wipe off the telephone, I don't cover the toilet seat, and if I drop food on the floor, I pick it up and *eat it*! I eat it! Yes I do! Even if I'm at a sidewalk cafe. In *Calcutta*! The poor section! On New Year's morning, during a soccer riot! And you know something? In spite of all that so-called risky behavior, I never get infections. I don't get 'em. I don't get colds, I don't get flu, I don't get headaches, I don't upset stomachs, and you know why? 'Cause I got a good strong immune system, and it gets a lot of practice. My immune system is equipped with the biological equivalent of fully-automatic military assault rifles, with night vision and laser scopes. And we have recently acquired phosphorous grenades, cluster bombs, and anti-personnel fragmentation mines. So, when my white blood cells are on patrol, keeping order in my bloodstream, seeking out strange and other undesirables, if they see any, ANY suspicious-looking germs of any kind, they *don't fuck around*! They whip out the weapons, they wax the motherfucker, and deposit the unlucky fellow directly into my colon! Into my colon! There's no nonsense, there's no Miranda warning, there's none of that "three strikes and you're out" shit. First offense, bam! Into the colon you go!

• George Carlin : [about the invisible man in the sky]  He loves you, and he needs MONEY! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-wise. Somehow...

  [snaps fingers] 

  George Carlin : ... just can't handle money!

• George Carlin : That's what Americans do now: they're always willing to trade away a little of their freedom in exchange for the feeling, the illusion of security. What we have now is a completely neurotic population OBSESSED with security and safety and crime and drugs and cleanliness and hygiene and germs!

• George Carlin : Here's another male cliche: these guys who cut the sleeves off of their t-shirts so the rest of us can have a more compelling experience of smelling their armpits! I say, "Hey, Bruno, shut it down, would you, please? You smell like an anchovy's cunt, okay? Ugh! Ugh! Oh! Not good, Bruno, and definitely not for sharing."

• George Carlin : I worship the sun, but I don't pray to the sun. You know why? I wouldn't presume on a friendship. It's not polite. I've often thought people treat God rather rudely, don't you? Asking Him TRILLIONS AND TRILLIONS of prayers every day, asking and pleading and begging for favors; do this, give me that, I need a new car, I want a better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday, His day off. It's not nice, and it's no way to treat a friend. But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things. You know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch. Your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really like to fuck that hot little redhead down at the convenience store. You know, the one with the eyepatch and the clubfoot, huh? Do you pray for that? I think you'd have to.

• George Carlin : [after mentioning Mr. Pibb in his long drawn out name for a roadside hotel]  Because that's all that seems to be left in that vending machine by Sunday night, y'know? Mr. Pibb, and Diet Shasta Orange! Oh, and that yellow can of Canada Dry tonic water that NOBODY WANTS!

• George Carlin : [criticizing people's belief in angels]  Angels, shit. What about goblins, huh? Doesn't anybody believe in goblins? We never hear from them, except on Halloween, and it's always negative shit, too, you know? And zombies! Where the fuck are all the zombies? That's the trouble with zombies, they're unreliable. I say if you're going to buy the angels shit, you might go for the zombie package as well.

• George Carlin : When I was a little boy in New York City in the 1940s, we swam in the Hudson River, and it was filled with raw sewage, okay? We swam in raw sewage! You know, to cool off. And at that time, the big fear was polio. Thousands of kids died from polio every year. But you know something? In my neighborhood, no one ever got polio. No one, ever! You know why? 'Cause we swam in raw sewage! It strengthened our immune systems! The polio never had a prayer. We were tempered in raw shit!

• George Carlin : Here's another horrifying example... er, aspect of American culture: the pussification, the continued pussification of the American male, in the form...

  [pauses as the audience cheers] 

  George Carlin : Yeah, all right... in the form of Harley-Davidson theme restaurants. What the fuck is going on here? Harley-Davidson used to mean something. It stood for biker attitude: grimy outlaws and their sweaty mamas, full of beer and crank, rolling around on Harleys, looking for a good time, destroying property, raping teenagers, and killing policemen. All very necessary activities, by the way. But now, theme restaurants... And this soft shit obviously didn't come from hardcore bikers. It came from these weekend motorcyclists, these fraudulent, two-days-a-week motherfuckers who had their bikes trucked into Sturgis, South Dakota, for the big rally and then ride around like they just came in off the road. Dentists and bureaucrats and pussy-boy software designers, getting up on a Harley 'cause they think it makes them cool. Well, hey, you ain't cool, you're fucking chilly! Your chili ain't never been cool.

• George Carlin : If there is a God, IF there is, I think most reasonable people might agree that He is at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit! Which I admire in a person and which would explain some of these bad results.

• George Carlin : If you should have any cognitive dissonance about the fact that I do commercials for 10-10-2-20 and still attack advertising up here... well, you're just going to have to figure that shit out on your own, okay?

• George Carlin : [discussing what's on TV at the same time as this special]  Later on tonight on the Pay-Per-View, on Pay-Per-View, Willie Nelson, Willie Nelson's concert is on and TV guide-listed all the songs he's gonna sing; he's gonna start out with one of my favorites: "Too Drunk to Jerk Off". Isn't that a good one? God I love that song! Then he's gonna do a series of love songs: "Kiss Me, I'm Coming". Aw that's a good one. "Kiss me, I'm coming. Oh now, I'm humming!"

  [hums] 

  George Carlin : Well I can't help it, I am a romantic and I do enjoy the sentimental tunes. Here's a sad song: "I Should've Fucked Oh Whatshername". Remember that? "I should've never played the game, I should've fucked oh Whatshername." Here's one my mother used to sing around the house: "Your Love Ran Down My Leg, and Now You're Gone". Yeah, that one always got to me. I'm glad you feel the same way. Here's a fine love song: "You Blew My Mind, Now Blow Me". He's even gonna do a Stevie Wonder song: "I Just Called To Say I Tested Positive". Well, you don't wanna leave anybody out, you know what I mean? And hey, and hey, what would a Willie Nelson show be without a couple of cowboy songs? He's gonna do that one George Jones and Waylon Jennings wrote, "Drinking Beer, Taking a Shit, and Passing Out", then he's gonna do kind of a traditional western song, one that Gene Autry used to sing when I was a little boy: "It's Midnight in Montana and I Can't Get My Dick Outta This Cow." You know why I like that song so much? Cause it's a real cowboy song. And by the way, speaking of cattle-fucking, do you know why it is when a rancher fucks a sheep, he does so at the edge of a cliff? It's so the sheep will push back; just a little tip for you outdoorsmen when you're out camping.

• George Carlin : Something else I'm getting tired of is all this stupid bullshit we have to listen to all the time about children. It's all you hear in this country: children. Help the children, what about the children, save the children. You know what I say? Fuck the children. Fuck 'em. They're getting entirely too much attention. And I know what you're thinking. You'd say, "Jesus, he's not gonna attack children, is he?" Yes, he is. He's going to attack children. And remember, this is Mr. Conductor talking. I know what I'm talking about.

• George Carlin : Kids have to wear helmets now for everything but jerking off.

• George Carlin : [discussing TV shows]  Then, later tonight, on the Nostalgia Channel, they're gonna play back-to-back two of my favorite episodes of Little House On The Prairie. First of all: the 1975 Christmas show "A Douchebag for Clara." Wasn't that good? And it was sad towards the end when she cried 'cause she stuck it in the wrong hole.

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : But as they say in the US Navy, "There is no wrong hole."

  [laughter and brief applause] 

  George Carlin : And then, right after that, they're gonna play my favorite "Little House On The Prairie" of all time, "Missy Takes a Big Dump in the Woods." It was interesting, I thought, because she had on the high heels and long dress, and it was fun to watch her maneuver through the poison sumac. And they didn't have toilet paper in those days, so she had to use a series of pine cones. And she was pulling them in the wrong direction! Yes, I understand towards the end of the show they had to bleep out a lot of screaming and foul language.

• George Carlin : Haven't we had enough of this cigar-smoking shit in this country? Huh? When is this gonna end? When is this shit gonna go away? When are these fat, arrogant, overpaid, overfed, over-indulged, white-collar business criminal asshole cocksuckers gonna put out their cigars and move along to their next abomination? White pussy businessmen sucking on a big, brown dick! That's all it is. That's all it is! Yeah, a big, brown dick!

• George Carlin : Sigmund Freud said, "Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar." Oh, yeah? Well, sometimes, it's a big, brown dick! With a fat, arrogant, white-collar business criminal asshole sucking on the wet end of it!

• George Carlin : Do you ever notice how they name singles bars? Singles bars all have the same kinda cutesy little one-word names that end in "S": "Scamps", "tramps", "chats", "rumors", "cahoots", "cheers", "chances", "mingles", "risks", "gambits", "notions". Hey, if I had a singles bar, you know what I'd call it? "Nipples and Dicks"!

  [the audience laughs] 

  George Carlin : A little truth in advertising. "The Sperm Club"! "Snatch-O-Rama"! "The Crotch-eteria"! "Frankie's Fuckery"! "Cafe Vagina", open all night! Well, I'm an old-fashioned guy. I'm old-fashioned, because I believe the name on the outside of a place ought to let you know what's going on on the inside.

• George Carlin : [complaining about smoking cigars]  The news is not all bad for me. Not all bad. You want to know the good part? Cancer of the mouth! Good, fuck 'em! Makes me happy. It's an attractive disease; goes nice with a cell phone. So light, suspender man, and suck that smoke deep down into your empty suit and BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS, you fucking cocksucker!

• George Carlin : I decided to worship the sun. But as I said, I don't pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Joe Pesci. Joe Pesci; two reasons. First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around! Doesn't fuck around! In fact... In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things God was having trouble with. For years, I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog. Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit! It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.

• George Carlin : As long as we're discussing minorities, I'd like to mention something about language. There are a couple of terms being used these days by guilty white liberals. First one is, "happens to be". He happens to be black. I have a friend who happens to be black. Like it's a fucking accident, you know? Happens to be black.

  [looks to his left] 

  George Carlin : "Yes, he happens to be black."

  [looks to his right] 

  George Carlin : "Oh, yeah, yeah. He had two black parents?"

  [looks left again] 

  George Carlin : "Oh, yes. Yes, he did. Yes, that's right."

  [looks right again] 

  George Carlin : "And they fucked?"

  [looks left] 

  George Carlin : "Oh, indeed they did. Indeed they did." So, where does the surprise part come in? I should think it would be more unusual if he just happens to be Scandinavian.

• George Carlin : For those of you who look to the Bible for moral, uh, lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you. You might want to look at "The Three Little Pigs", that's a good one. Has a nice happy ending, I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's "Little Red Riding Hood", although it does have that X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother, which I didn't care for, by the way. And finally, I've often always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from "Humpty Dumpty". The part I liked the best: "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again." That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one. No God, never was.

• George Carlin : Airport security is a stupid idea, it's a waste of money, and it's only there for one reason: to make white people feel safe. That's all! The illusion, the illusion and feeling of safety, 'cause the authorities know they can't make an airplane completely safe. Too many people have access! You'll notice the drug smugglers don't seem to have a lot of trouble getting their little packages on board, do they? No, and God bless them, too!