Trama

A pair of buddies conspire to save their best friend from marrying the wrong woman.

Two dim-witted former high school buddys and Neil Diamond fanactics, Wayne and J.D., plot to keep their friend Darren from marrying the wrong woman, a domineering and spiteful psychologist named Judith by kidnapping her and trying to set Darren up with his old high school girlfriend Sandy who plans to become a nun.—Matthew Patay

Darren, JD, and Wayne are best friends and Neil Diamond fanatics. Their lives are going well up until Darren begins a relationship with Judith, an a tyrannical psychologist who forces him to cut his ties with JD and Wayne. When JD and Wayne learn that Darren and Judith are engaged, they come up with a plan to kidnap Judith and hook Darren up with his high school love, Sandy. However, Judith is always one step ahead of the two bozos.—Sam

Darren Silverman, Wayne LeFessier, and J.D. McNugent, lovable losers, have been best friends since the fifth grade, Darren the hopeless romantic, Wayne the one whose thoughts of grandeur always fall short, and J.D. the socially unaware, slightly overweight one who is always sidetracked by food. Something that ties them together is their love of all things Neil Diamond, they performing covers of his songs in their tribute band. Darren has always felt that Sandy Perkis, the two who were on the cheerleading squad together in high school, was the only woman for him, he, never acting on his feelings, missing his chance with her when she and her circus family moved away. However, he believes he has met his new soul mate in the form of beautiful psychologist, Judith Fessbeggler. In his love for her, he cannot see that she is a controlling b****, she only wanting him as her sexless slave. Part of that control is wanting Wayne and J.D., who she considers pigs, out of Darren's life. Not wanting to lose their friend to who they can see is an evil woman, Wayne and J.D. do whatever they can for Judith to exit Darren's life, if not on her own volition, then forcibly. On the flip side, they have to make Darren forget about her, which they believe is easier if there is another woman on the horizon, the most likely candidate in their minds being Sandy. Sometimes not having the moxie to do what they need to do to carry out their rough sketch of a plan, they enlist the help of who was Wayne's high school football coach, Mr. Norton, the type of man who will use a machete when a pen knife is more appropriate.—Huggo

Darren, J.D. & Wayne have been best friends since the fifth grade. They are Neil Diamond fanatics and even have a cover band. Darren, still looking for the right one meets Judith, a psychologist who tries to "whip" Darren. She decides to force Darren to dump J.D. & Wayne as his best friends as well as breaking up their band. After hearing about Darren's engagement to Judith, the decide to kidnap Judith, and try to set Darren back up with his old flame, Sandy before she becomes a nun and Darren marries Mrs. Wrong!!!—Ryan Harder <hotshotharder@hotmail.com>

Darren Silverman (Jason Biggs), Wayne LeFessier (Steve Zahn) and J.D. McNugent (Jack Black), best friends since fifth grade and Neil Diamond fans throughout, form a Neil Diamond tribute band called "Diamonds in the Rough". Wayne was born when his mother's water broke at a Neil Diamond concert and ever since he has had a cosmic connection to Neil Diamond. JD is lactose intolerant and not very bright. Darren is a romantic but very gullible around women.

Wayne became the third string Quarterback for his high school football team, and JD became the mascot, while Darren joined the cheer-leading squad. Darren develops a crush for Sandy, who was also on the cheer-leading squad. Coach Norton was their idol through High School.

As grown-ups, JD works at Subway. Darren is the social director at a retirement home. Wayne started his own business for pest and rodent removal, but he ends up getting assaulted by the animals. Darren is still alone and wants to be in a relationship. The only woman he loved, Sandy, was from a family of circus performers who left town for new opportunities. Sandy didn't even know that Darren had a crush on her as he never asked her out.

Darren meets a beautiful but domineering psychologist, Judith Fessbeggler (Amanda Peet), through a chance encounter in a local bar after a band gig. Judith shows signs of being emotionally abusive when she orders a drink for Darren without even asking his preference.

Unfortunately, six weeks into their relationship, Judith is still making Darren watch her change clothes. Darren asks her if they could finally have sex, but Judith refuses until marriage. She suggests non-penetrative sex instead and proceeds to push Darren's head between her legs. Darren gets nothing but a sore jaw. Judith says that she cannot return the favor as she has very sensitive gums and instead gives Darren a magazine and a towel to masturbate.

Darren takes Judith to meet his friends. Judith is all snobbish and calls the guys obsession with Neil Diamond as a delusion, projection fantasy. Judith tells Darren that the guys are pigs for their disgusting habits and the lack of personal hygiene. JD insists that Judith sits on his Barcalounger, but the reclining mechanism fails, throwing her right across the room. Judith loses her patience when the guys throw beer at each other after their team scores a touchdown in a game on TV. Judith isolates Darren from his friends, demands that Darren quit the band and torched his Neil Diamond albums, receive humiliating medical procedures (like implant for his butt cheeks) and attend relationship counseling under her care.

JD and Wayne talk to Darren that Judith is not the right woman for him, but Darren is too far into serving Judith to be able to see the big picture. Wayne and J.D. decide to save Silverman from her by attempting to bribe her with Wayne's house, arm wrestle her, and shock her with faked photographs of Darren cheating, all to no avail (Judith knows that Darren had no tattoos and the body in the photos had a tattoo on the arm). Judith knows that she controls Darren, and he does everything she says. She refuses to let go of him.

The friends, undaunted, try to reunite Darren with his "one and only", Sandy Perkus (Amanda Detmer), when she returns to Seattle to take her final vows as a nun. When Darren and Judith announce their engagement (with Darren committing to taking Judith's last name), Wayne and J.D. kidnap Judith. However, she discovers the identity of her captors, and the duo are convinced they cannot let her go.

When they visit Coach Norton (R. Lee Ermey) in jail (who accidentally killed a referee with a football signal pole in a fit of rage), his advice is that they should just kill her. The pair attempt to shoot Judith but end up deciding against it.

Sandy's feelings for Darren are reawakened, but the pair's attempted date is ruined by Darren's preoccupation with Judith. Sandy, disheartened, returns to the convent, but Darren snaps out of it and runs the 30 miles there to win her back.

Chained to an engine block in J.D.'s basement, Judith convinces J.D. he is gay. She knocks him unconscious to steal his keys and escape, only to be tranquilized with a dart gun by Wayne. Returned to the basement, Judith seduces Wayne into releasing one of her hands, so she escapes again.

Judith runs to Darren's house in time to see him kiss Sandy but shames him into confessing his engagement to Judith. Sandy, disheartened, returns to the convent again. Darren has Wayne and J.D. arrested.

After escaping from jail with the help of Coach Norton, J.D. and Wayne rush to the convent on the brink of Sandy's final vows as a nun. They convince her that Darren still loves her. They then kidnap Neil Diamond to help Darren and Sandy reunite.

At the wedding, Neil stalls the proceedings with song while Wayne and Judith beat each other up (as love play), Darren and Sandy reunite, and J.D. arrives holding Coach in his arms, and Coach asks him when will he get married and J.D. says he's gay and then Coach tells hims he's Gay too. On stage at the Neil Diamond concert that night, the priest weds Darren to Sandy, Wayne to Judith, and J.D. to Coach; the entire cast sings "Holly Holy".