Gilmore Girls (2000–2007)

Melissa McCarthy: Sookie St. James

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Quotes 

• Jackson : I think we should get married.

  Sookie : But - uh, but...

  Jackson : Soon.

  Sookie : Are you pregnant?

• Sookie : Okay, here we go. Low fat, whole wheat blueberry pancakes.

  Michel : Are there 12?

  Sookie : 12 what?

  Michel : Blueberries. I can only have 12 blueberries for breakfast.

  Sookie : Or what?

  Michel : What do you mean, or what?

  Sookie : What happens if you eat 13 blueberries?

  Michel : This is a silly conversation.

  Sookie : Would you die?

  Michel : Just hand me the plate.

  Sookie : Only if you don't count.

  Michel : I won't count.

  Sookie : Swear. Raise your right hand and say, 'May Destiny's Child break up if I count these blueberries.'

  Michel : [raises his hand]  ... Pick another group.

  Sookie : Nope.

  Michel : [slams hand down]  I hate you! Hate you!

• Michel : A group of scientists did a study on rats where they cut their daily calories by thirty percent.

  Sookie : And you felt left out?

• Sookie : What's going on?

  Lorelai : Michel's gonna live forever.

  Sookie : Like the kids from 'Fame'?

  Lorelai : That's what I said.

• Michel : I don't know if anyone has noticed, but suddenly I am the only one working.

  Sookie : You're right, no-one noticed.

• Sookie : I should not be a parent.

  Lorelai : Sookie. Look at me. There are many people in this world who should not have been parents. Mr. and Mrs. Hitler for example. The Bin Ladens could have watched TV that night. Richard and Emily might have taken a pass at procreating. But... you. No way. You're going to be a great parent.

• Lorelai : I need you to look at Kirk's butt.

  Sookie : Why?

  Lorelai : Well, because he ran into some rose bushes and he's got some thorns stuck in it and I thought of you.

  Sookie : Me? Why me?

  Lorelai : Well, because... you're a chef.

• Sookie : [to Lorelai about Luke]  He has had to watch you go from one guy to another, and then the engagement was on, and then the engagement was off, and patiently, he's waited. And in walks this kid and he says "My God, will she date anyone else in the world before she'll date me?"

• Michel : [Sookie wants Michel to choose a cookie]  I don't care.

  Sookie : I just need a quick opinion!

  Michel : It took me two seconds to tell you I don't care, that's as quick as I get.

• [Sookie is getting ready to go on her first date with Jackson] 

  Sookie : I'm scared.

  Lorelai : I know.

  Sookie : I like him.

  Lorelai : He likes you.

  Sookie : How do you know he's not being polite?

  Lorelai : Sookie!

  Sookie : No, I mean it. It's like I cornered him and he felt trapped and he had to say yes.

  Lorelai : He did not have to say yes.

  Sookie : Oh my God. Technically, I am his employer.

  Lorelai : Sookie!

  Sookie : I am. I buy his wares. His livelihood depends on me.

  Lorelai : Sookie!

  Sookie : Oh! I'm a sexual harasser!

  Lorelai : Well, then you need some false eyelashes.

  Sookie : This isn't funny. I am now desperate, lonely and a criminal.

• Lorelai : Uh oh. Jackson's got that panicked "my girlfriend wants me to get married" face on.

  Sookie : Yup. Hey, next time he's here, tell him that you're pregnant.

  Lorelai : With twins.

  Sookie : Why not?

• Sookie : A child is not a duvet cover. You can't just take it back if it doesn't like you.

  Lorelai : Luckily, duvet covers notoriously like whoever they go home with. They're like golden retrievers.

  Sookie : You know what happens when kids don't like you? They tie you to a chair. They brain you with a bat. They set fire to the house and blame it on the neighbors.

  Lorelai : Wow, now you can't have kids or live next door to them.

• Michel : Are you sure it wasn't another Michel?

  Sookie : You called me! You kept me on the phone for over an hour. I missed the beginning of Queer Eye For the Straight Guy and by the time I got back, they were all gay!

• Lorelai : What's that?

  Sookie : That is a vat of boiling oil.

  Lorelai : Really? Where's Quasimodo?

  Sookie : This is not a joking matter.

  Rory : What is the oil for?

  Lorelai : For pouring on visigoths.

  Sookie : Lorelai.

  Lorelai : When else am I gonna get to use my visigoth material?

• Jackson : Sookie, I'm serious, I'm moving in.

  Sookie : [laughing]  Jackson, stop, you're gonna give me a cramp.

  Jackson : Sookie, get back here.

• Sookie : Oh, that makes me so mad. And so sad. I'm smad.

• Sookie : I got the idea in a dream. I was back in cooking school, and I was late for my final, so I run over to an oven and I open it up and sitting there is the s'mores wedding cake. And I present it to my teacher, and he starts weeping, and the whole class starts applauding and cheering. And then, of course, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise come leaping out of the cake screaming about how amazing it is, so that made the whole thing a little creepy, but up until then...

• Sookie : [petrified]  Uncle Ernie hugged me too long!

• Tobin : Michel, did you get a bagel?

  Michel : I don't want a bagel.

  Tobin : Are you sure? They're kosher.

  Michel : I don't eat bagels. Bagels are like glue in your intestines and ensure that everything that enters your body will remain there until you die.

  Sookie : Ew! Shut up!

• Lorelai : Let's invite everyone.

  Sookie : Everyone who?

  Lorelai : Everyone, everyone.

  Sookie : [gasps]  Everyone, everyone who?

• Jackson : I'm going home.

  Sookie : What about the contest?

  Jackson : To hell with the contest, I'm leaving as long as it's all right with Lorelai and Luke and that strange man in the corner who I never met before. Hello strange man in the corner is it okay if I quit this contest.

• Sookie : No more pork!

  Lorelai : Ah, finally, something to put on our business cards!

• Fran : You two look so sad. Would you like a cupcake?

  Lorelai : Please.

  Sookie : Yeah.

• Sookie : Call me Belinda, 'cause my lips are sealed!

• Lorelai : [on Michel]  He's snarky.

  Sookie : And sarcastic.

  Lorelai : He's snarkastic.