Kate Isitt credited as playing...
Sally Harper
- Jane: I'm being stalked, actually, so I'm pretty secure in my attractiveness.
- Susan: You're being stalked?
- Jane: Is that so hard to believe?
- Sally: My god!
- Jane: Everyday on my way home from work, a man follows me. It's true.
- Susan: Well, have you been to the police?
- Jane: They said I was being silly and paranoid. I heard them laughing after I left.
- Sally: That's terrible!
- Susan: Well, have you confronted the man who follows you?
- Jane: Well, there's no point, is there? It's never the same man twice. Sometimes they switch over when I'm halfway home. It's so well organized!
- Jane: I'm just feeling so ridiculously horny. I swear, if I didn't have my heart set on having sex with a man, you two would be in serious trouble.
- Sally: I could never have sex with another woman. What if she had a smaller bottom?
- Susan: Excuse me! I have a crisis here way above bottoms on the crisis scale.
- Sally: We're women. There is nothing above bottoms on the crisis scale. Bottoms are our natural enemy.
- Susan: Sally, please...
- Sally: They follow us around our entire lives, right behind us and constantly growing. How do they do that? I'm sure mine's back there secretly snacking.
- Sally: [finds an engagement ring in a box labeled "Sally don't look in this box."] This is an engagement ring.
- Patrick: Yes it is.
- Sally: An engagement ring! Do you have a girlfriend?
- Patrick: Yes, Sally.
- [pause]
- Patrick: You.
- Sally: Me?
- Patrick: Yes, you.
- Sally: Who are you proposing to then?
- Patrick: Who do you think?
- Sally: I... I...
- Patrick: I was waiting - I was waiting, as it happens, for the right romantic moment.
- Sally: [Looks around at the mess she made] Fuck.
- Sally: [singing] I'm Susan the happy trotting elf! I trot and trot and bounce and bounce and smile a lot and that's what counts! I'm Susan the happy trotting smile a lotting elf! I'm polite so just for clarity, when I'm cross I say "Apparently!"
- [Talking to Jane and Susan]
- Sally: At least you've been in there with Patrick. I've passed on my opportunity to be "Patricked."