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- Leon Phelps: Listen, I was wandering. Can I ask you a question? Uh... was your father a meat burgler? Here's why I ask: because it looks like somebody stole two fine hams and shoved them down the back of your dress.
- Leon Phelps: What is love? What is this longing in our hearts for togetherness? Is it not the sweetest flower? Does not this flower of love have the fragrant aroma of fine, fine diamonds? Does not the wind love the dirt? Is not love not unlike the unlikely not it is unlikened to? Are you with someone tonight? Do not question your love. Take your lover by the hand. Release the power within yourself. Your heard me, release the power. Tame the wild cosmos with a whisper. Conquer heaven with one intimate caress. That's right don't be shy. Whip out everything you got and do it in the butt. By Leon Phelps
- Leon Phelps: My name is Leon Phelps, and to those of you that are uninitiated, I am an expert in the ways of love. I have made love to many fine ladies from the lowliest bus station skank to the classiest most sophisticated, educated, debutant, high society... bus station skank.
- Leon Phelps: Listen, I was wandering. Can I ask you a question? Uh... was your father a meat burgler? Here's why I ask: because it looks like somebody stole two fine hams and shoved them down the back of your dress.
- Leon Phelps: Listen. I don't care what you say. Chlamydia is a soup. It's my opinion. I can have that if I'd like. You don't have to argue. I've seen it on the grocery store shelf. Don't argue with me about it. I don't care if you are a doctor.
- Leon Phelps: Ya know, when a man works hard his entire life enduring hundreds of ladies, many of whom he does not even remember you'd like to think that at the end of the day he will be given a lot of money, without having had to earn it.
- Soul Station Manager: Mr. Phelps, I see you've listed "dabut" under your hobbies?
- Leon Phelps: Yeah, that's "da butt."
- [Leon is answering a call]
- Leon Phelps: Yeah, well, you suffer from homo-unerectus. That means your wang is hugeified not by women but by a man.
- Leon Phelps: So, I understand that you are a nun?
- Nun: Yes, that's right.
- Leon Phelps: Yeah, that's cool. And how long have you been, uh, nunnin' it up?
- Nun: For about 30 years now.
- Leon Phelps: Yeah. Well, congratulations. That's good. Now, I understand that your work takes you all around the world, is that right?
- Nun: Yes, that is correct. In fact, I'll be leaving the country very soon to assume a missionary position.
- Leon Phelps: I'm sorry. What was that?
- Nun: I'm going to assume a missionary position, and I'll probably be holding it for a very longtime.
- Leon Phelps: Yeah, well, that's interestin'. Um, so, ah, where will you be holdin' this, um..
- Nun: Missionary position?
- Leon Phelps: Yeah.
- Nun: In Bangkok.
- Leon Phelps: Let me give you the play-by-play. I will probably begin with a very classy first line. Something like: Say, sweet thang, can I buy you a fish sandwich? And then I will commence to whisper sweet words in her ear. Something like: Man, I'd like to take a bite out of your butt. And then I will close the deal by giving her a preview of: the goods.
- [unzips]
- [after saying to Leon that she intends to take a job as a missionary in Bangkok]
- Nun: What about a missionary position? Have you ever known the joys of a missionary position?
- Leon Phelps: Well, Lance, you're clearly gay. There's nothing really else to say about that. I think you all know that. And that's cool, but, you know, you were trying to oil me up and that's not really cool.
- Nun: Bangkok is lovely. In fact, I'm looking forward to - taking it all in. But it can get a little steamy, you know. Hot and steamy.
- Leon Phelps: If you have a romantic query and you are under the age of 50, and you're not freaky or disgustin', please give us a call.
- Julie Simmons: I told you before, Leon, it's not a yacht if you get mail there. It's more like a trailer park of the sea.
- Leon Phelps: You see, I like to help people. That is what I do. You know, l am like Mother Teresa, but - of bonin'. You see what I'm sayin'?
- Leon Phelps: We're gonna take a break right now. We'll be back in a few moments with the answer to our survey: What is your favorite hole?
- Soul Station Manager: Our morning anchor quit, out of the blue. And we are desperate for someone to fill her old slot.
- Leon Phelps: Well, that's no problem, 'cause I have a lot of experience at filling other peoples slots.
- Nun: Have you ever gone down the Yellow River?
- Leon Phelps: Yeah, once in the '80s, but I did not enjoy it.
- Leon Phelps: I'm a man of action. I have a plan for this type of thing. There's only one thing to do. I'm must go and have sex and wait for something to randomly happen. It'll work out, youll see. It will randomly work out!
- Soul Station Manager: I was in training for the U.S. Olympic Team. My sport: Greco-Roman wrestling. My wife and I didn't have a perfect marriage. Maybe I didn't understand her needs. But she definitely didn't understand my passion for wrestling. She didn't understand why Brian, my wrestling partner, and I trained constantly. She didn't understand the thrill any man would feel after grabbing a big, husky guy like Brian and pinning him down to the ground until he squirms and squeals like a little piglet!
- Leon Phelps: [with a map and a pointer] Years ago I was in the army, and we spent a lot of time in this area here. The army, they called it Asia, but I like to call it Freaky-Deeky Sex World.
- Leon Phelps: Cyrus Cunningham? Your ex-fiancé? The one that dumped you? The one with the three-inch penis?
- Theresa: [knock at the door] Leon Phelps. You miserable, fatheaded jackass... .
- Leon Phelps: Theresa!
- Theresa: What the hell are you doing here? I hoped you were dead.
- Leon Phelps: No, I'm not dead. Surprise.
- Lance DeLune: The point is, we may not know his name, but we're onto him. And one day, he'll slip up. And when he does, we're gonna be there to nail him and cut his balls off!
- Mail Man: Okay, I can't believe this. I meet you under the stands at a dog track. You sweet-talk me into leaving. Next thing you know, I'm bustin' slobs with you in a bathroom of a Chuck E. Cheese. You called me your sweet thing.
- Candy: Julie told me that while they were datin', there were some things that Cyrus didn't have a taste for.
- Leon Phelps: [over the PA system at Comiskey Park] What's happenin', Chicago? Ladies, if you are rich and I boned you, could you please meet me at the nacho cart? Also, if you are rich and you want to be boned, would you please meet me at the nacho cart?
- Audrey: I've got a crazy idea. I've got a few minutes before I go on. Let's have a quickie for old time's sake.
- Leon Phelps: That's not a crazy idea. I like that idea and I will support it.
- Audrey: Let's do it like we used to - real nasty!
- Leon Phelps: I brought you some flowers. They look and feel plastic, but they smell real. And also I bought you a box of my favorite Mexican wine.
- Leon Phelps: [on the phone] Listen, ever since we last saw each other, I have had this achin' in my soul.
- Honey DeLune: Oh, you did?
- Leon Phelps: Yeah. How about I come over there and go to town on your money and your ass?
- Leon Phelps: You know something, Julie? I'm realizing that my life really sucks. You know whose fault it is, don't you? It is the fault of the Wang. I should cut this thing off.
- Julie Simmons: You're not gonna cut it off.
- Leon Phelps: I know. That's the craziest thing I've ever thought of.
- Lance DeLune: You've gotta take that defeatist attitude and subdue it. Wrestle it to the ground. Pin its its well-oiled and musky form down hard. Let it feel your-your soft breath on -on the back of its neck.
- Leon Phelps: When we started to do it, all I could think about was Julie's face. I don't mean like thinkin' about some hot chick when you're bonin' a skank.This was sensitive!
- Leon Phelps: Your husband is a little insecure because he's retirin', that's all. Don't worry. It's a passin' thing. Okay, Hillary? Now, I will see you and Bill this weekend. Okay? Bye-bye.
- [last lines]
- Leon Phelps: Well. that is all the time we have. Until next time, this has been 'The Ladies Man'.
- Leon Phelps: You all need to listen to your ladies. You need to say to her, "Baby, what is it that you want?" Or, "Do you want to do it in the butt?"
- Leon Phelps: I have done it to a lot of ladies, and that makes me somewhat like an expert. I have a Ph.D. in tang, as it were.
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