Comedy's Dirtiest Dozen (1988)

John Fox: Self

Quotes 

• John Fox : Two guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island. After a week the girls so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself. After another week goes by, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her! After another week they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her back up again!

• John Fox : I was a painter for 5 years. 5 long years. I didn't think I'd ever finish that fucking house.

• John Fox : What about people who write porno movies? Now there's a sick individual. Who writes a pornographic movie? There's no plot to these things. A woman goes to K-Mart to buy a toothbrush and figures "while I'm here, I might as well blow somebody". Never happens when I'm in K-Mart. Else id be there all tje time. "Attention "K-Mart shoppers. We're having a blue light special. Everyone with 6 inches or less into the express lane please.

• John Fox : Two fire fighters are butt-fucking in a smoke filled room. The fire chief walks in and says "what's going on"? The fireman says, Sir, this man has smoke inhalation". The chief says, "Why didn't you give him mouth to mouth?" He said, "I did, how do you think this shit got started?"

• John Fox : One time this lady went to her doctor all pissed off. She said, "Look you son of a bitch. Those pills you got me on are just a little too strong. Now I've got hair growing all over my titties!" The doctor said how far does it go? She said, "Right down to my dick, and that's another thing I wanna talk to you about"

• John Fox : I'm breaking up with my girlfriend this week. We're at that stage where you know it's not working, but you hate to lose that stereo. She's not that bright. She called me up and said, "The light bulbs burned out in the bathroom and I don't know how to change it?" I said, "Step one. Fill the tub with water"

• John Fox : Ever had a screamer in bed? Sometimes you don't know till you're having sex. She starts screaming, "IM CUMMING, IM CUMMING" First time I found out was 3am, i have a teeny tiny apartment. Residential neighbourhood. She's yelling, "IM CUMMING, IM CUMMING". Well she's riding the baloney pony to heaven, ladies and gentlemen. I've got that soldier marching. She's yelling, IM CUMMING" it's 3am. Quite. Residentional. Neighbourhood. I'm slamming some ham. I'm taking the skin bus to tuna town. She's screaming "IM CUMMING, IM CUMMING". The neoghbour bangs on the wall, MAKE HER CUM GOD DAMMIT, MAKE HER CUM. MAKE HER CUM, I GOTTA BE UP FOR WORK AT 6:30 SO MAKE HER CUM. YOU MAKE HER CUM OR I WILL DAMN IT. MAKE HER CUM. I GOT 3 KIDS IN HERE WANNA KNOW WHERE SHES GOING? SO MAKE HER CUM"

• John Fox : One time this gay guy came in and had a 12 inch vibrator stuck up his ass. He said, "I don't know how it got there!". The doc said, "Well maybe the gerbil dragged it in?" The doc said it would be 500 dollars to have it removed. The gay guy says, "$500? How much just to change the batteries?"

• John Fox : A lot of motels offer cable movies. Which scares me. How do I know if I'm in room 6, that I'm not the movie in room 7? Makes it awkward in the parking lot in the morning. Someone comes up and says, "Hey, aren't you Bronco Bob? How'd you get that lamp up your ass so fast?"

• John Fox : You guys like to go to porno movies? You gotta be 18 or accompanied by a trench coat to get in. It was three-dimensional. A 3-D porno movie! I sat too close to the screen. Somebody had an orgasm. I yelled "Duck!" I noticed the man sitting near me bought his blow up doll. I could not beleive it. I was thouroughly disgusted. I grabbed my sheep and said, Honey, let's get the flock out of here. This a bahhhhhd movie"