- Thrax: Ebola? Let me tell you something about Ebola, baby. Ebola is a case of DANDRUFF compared to me!
- Leah: Jones, what in the world makes you think I would ever go out with you?
- Osmosis: What you talking about? I'm a legend, girl! The chicks line up to divide with me!
- Leah: Oh really? 'Cause to me you look like the kind of cell who mostly divides with himself.
- Osmosis: Whoa! Who turned off the heat? Somebody pay the bill? It's cold in here.
- Latino Germ: La Muerte, man! Esta aqui! He's gonna kill us dead, hombre!
- Osmosis: No, no. Talk English, man. We ain't on Telemundo here.
- Latino Germ: La Muerte Roja! He's coming, man! I saw him!
- Osmosis: We were so poor, we lived off peanut butter and cellulite sandwiches! You ever try to blow-dry your hair with a fart?
- Drix: OK, I get it. You were poor.
- Osmosis: You bet I was! You ever try to make a snowman out of toilet paper cling-ons? Now that's poor!
- Drix: OK, please, you're going to make me vomit!
- Osmosis: Vomit? We couldn't afford no vomit; that's for rich folk.
- Drix: Excuse me while I wipe my eyes.
- Osmosis: Oh, you wanna talk about wiping?
- Drix: NO!
- Thrax: This here little DNA bead comes from a little girl in Riverside, California, didn't like to wash her hands. Took me three whole weeks. And this one, nice lady in Detroit, Mowtown - six days flat. And there's this old guy in Philly - I killed him in 72 hours. Yeah, I'm getting better as I go along, baby, but the problem is I never set a record - until my man Frank that is. I'm gonna take him down in 48 hours! Get my own chapter in the medical books!
- Bruiser: What's so funny?
- Joe Cramp: I don't know.
- Thrax: They're making this too easy! Hahaha! You know, in all of the bodies I've been in no one has ever gotten wise to me and now, for the first time, an immunity cell has figured out everything and they don't believe him!
- [Bruiser and Joe Cramp laugh]
- Thrax: Can you taste the irony in that?
- [Bruiser and Joe Cramp laugh again]
- Thrax: SHUT UP! What are you two laughing at? Alright, we're back on schedule.
- Bruiser: But, boss. We are the only ones left. Maybe we should incubate for a while?
- Thrax: You incubate! I said forty eight hours, I'm going to make my deadline.
- [Thrax kills both germs and destroys the gas station off-screen]
- Thrax: Medical books aren't written about losers!
- Drix: Special Agent Drixobenzometaphedrimine... Drixenol! The brand that eases your coughs and sneezes. Warning - do not exceed recommended dosage. If symptoms persist, consult a physician. May cause drowsiness. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery. Pregnant women should not handle broken tablets.
- Osmosis: Wow! I'm feeling better already.
- Osmosis: Did you know my great-great-grandpappy fought the measles? Yup, there's been a Jones on the force ever since my ancestors came over on the umbilical cord.
- Osmosis: [looking at a centerfold in DNA Monthly] Nice genes. You got the chromosomes in all the right places.
- Reporter: What do you have to say to all the hair follicles recently laid off form the scalp?
- Mayor Phlegming: There will be plenty of new jobs for everyone on the back.
- Bob: Listen. Why don't you sit her down and tell her that if anything ever happens to you, I will take care of her. Okay? I will raise her, I will nurture her, I will love her, and then when she's sixteen, I'll boot her out the door.
- Frank: Sixteen?
- Bob: Well, yeah. I not going to mommy her forever, okay? I mean, sixteen, sure.
- Frank: 99 kinds of wings! 128 different dipping sauces! You love math, crunch the numbers on that - and tell me the possibilities aren't INFINITE!
- Frank: Hey, partner, what you got there?
- Oyster Boy: Oh, these? These are polluted oysters. Well, they WERE polluted. I replanted them in six weeks ago. That's how long the state says you gotta do it for. And every time the tide came in, it flushed all the bad stuff out.
- Frank: Can you eat 'em?
- Oyster Boy: Well, if my hypotenuse is correct...
- [hesitantly]
- Oyster Boy: sure. Y-y-yeah, definitely.
- Mayor Phlegming: Good evening, citizens of Frank. In the past few weeks of the campaign, my opponent has thrown around a lot of fancy words to try to confuse the issues. Words like "exercise," "low-fat," and "diet" - words designed to scare us into changing what has worked for so many years. Well, I say let's stay the course. Remember, a fat Frank is a happy Frank.
- Anchorman: Things are looking grim, as temperatures rise to dangerous levels! We have lost contact with the lower extremities! NNN will stay on the air as long as possible!
- Anchorwoman: In other news, house appliances that can improve your golf swing.
- Anchorman: You... you silly twit. Don't you get it? We are going to die!
- Anchorwoman: I knew it, Dan! At the sight of the first dark cloud, you fall apart!
- Anchorman: Moron!
- Anchorwoman: Phony!
- Librarian: Brain Memory Library. Can I help you?
- Osmosis: You got any information about something called "El Morry Roho"?
- Librarian: Stand by. I'll check, but we're really all about sports statistics here.
- Osmosis: Yo, you didn't see this thing. This ain't no ordinary household germ. This thing's bigger than all of us; it's big even for Frank's body! It's like a
- [sic]
- Osmosis: Al Roker germ, a Heavy D germ!
- Cop: You talkin' about this?
- [holds a short, dumpy germ; all laugh]
- Osmosis: Yeah, uh... y'know, he's slouching right now.
- Leah: Mayor, something freaky is going on with the weather.
- Mayor Phlegming: We're probably just drinking some hot coffee.
- Leah: Sir, look at the maps. What if Jones is right?
- Mayor Phlegming: Jones? Ha ha ha! Funny, funny.
- Leah: You care more about your stupid re-election than you care about all our lives. Something is going on, and I'm going to the hypothalamus to check it out.
- Mayor Phlegming: Hypowhothewhatisit? Leah, wait! Who's gonna answer the phones?
- [Drix is at the bladder, about to board the next barge out]
- Osmosis: Drix! Yo, Drix! Get your time-released butt off this boat. Thrax is alive! Let's go!
- Drix: I'm sorry, Osmosis, I can't help you.
- Osmosis: Excuse me?
- Drix: I wasn't designed to combat a virus. Read my label.
- Osmosis: You gotta learn to think outside the pill box, man. I've known sugar pills who cured cancer, just because they believed they could.
- Drix: Oh, I don't know, Ozzy. Look at me. I'm cherry flavored.
- Conductor: Hey, pal. You on or off?
- Osmosis: Fine. Flush your life down the toilet.
- Conductor: The zipper's down. All ashore who's going ashore.
- [Osmosis is at the theater watching one of Frank's dreams when the screen appears to burn up]
- Osmosis: Thrax is alive! Thrax is alive and he's in the brain!
- Cell: Oh, great, pal! Spoil the ending.
- Dream Enthusiast: Excuse me sir, would you like to see a free screening? We've got a live theater broadcasting dreams all the way from the subconscious in the brain.
- Drix: [Deleted scene] The eye? What are we doing here? Do I have to remind you that I am on a strict twelve hour time release program? First the throat, then the nose, then the aches and pains.
- Osmosis: Yeah, I got it. Real important stuff. Now, get your butt out of my car!
- Drix: Oh! I don't even have a butt. Officer, if I don't get to the sinuses, my entire relief mission could be jeopardized.
- Osmosis: Yo, it's time we take a look at the big picture. See? The Big F. He's the one we're here to protect and serve. I mean, just look at him. Doesn't he make you want to be a better cell?
- Drix: Ew! I see why you feel such a strong connection.
- Osmosis: Hey, watch it! Show the man some respect! He's the reason all of us are here.
- Drix: Take me to the nose.
- Osmosis: Dude, just wait in the car. I got police work to do. Uh, could you get me one glazed and one with the jelly-filled nucleus?
- Librarian: Brain Memory Library. Can I help you?
- Osmosis: You got any information on something called El Morry Rojo?
- Librarian: Stand by while I check, but we're really all about sports statistics here. Sir?
- Osmosis: Yeah, I'm here. What you got?
- Librarian: La Muerte Roja, that's Spanish. It means the Red Death.
- Osmosis: The Red Death? What's that? Some kind of taco sauce?
- Librarian: Now, you have a nice day.
- Osmosis: Hello? Yo, Drips! You ever hear of the Red Death?
- Drix: That's Drix.
- Drix: [Deleted scene, Drix and Ozzy are in an ocean of mucus] Well, this is a fine mess you've gotten us into.
- Osmosis: Me? What are you talking about? You've got a lot of nerve.
- Drix: Oh, don't act so innocent. When I first entered this body,
- Osmosis: Uh, Drix.
- Drix: I knew things would be difficult but I never imagined I would have to work...
- Osmosis: Uh, Drix.
- Drix: Quiet, I'm not finished!
- Osmosis: Hey! Look, Drix! Look behind you! We're about to be wiped under a table!
- Drix: What? Ah! Jones! Jones!
- Osmosis: Give me your hand!
- Drix: We're going to die!
- Bob: Jeez, Frank, I'm standing right here. Can you... uh... use a tissue or something?
- Frank: I don't have one.
- Bob: Well, use your imagination.
- Frank: What's that over there?
- [Frank swallows his mucus]
- Frank: Better?
- Bob: Much better.
- Frank: I gotta go get her.
- Bob: Alright.
- Frank: She'll be excited. She'll probably call you.
- Bob: Good.
- Drix: If it wasn't for you, none of this would have ever happened. Now, if you'll excuse me, I
- [Drix is coughing]
- Drix: have a nose to dry.
- Bob: Jeez, Frank, I'm standing right here. Can you use a tissue?
- Frank: I don't have one.
- Bob: Well, use your imagination.
- Frank: What's that over there?
- [Frank swallows his mucus]
- Frank: Better?
- Bob: Much better.
- Frank: I gotta go get her.
- Bob: Alright.
- Frank: She'll be excited. She'll probably call you.
- Bob: Good.
- Drix: If it wasn't for you, none of this would have ever happened. Now, if you'll excuse me, I
- [Drix is coughing]
- Drix: have a nose to dry.
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