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- [first lines]
- Laredo: Exiting the time knot now, Sir.
- Tech Sgt. Chen: We're alive.
- Laredo: We made it, Commander. We made it.
- Dr. Lazarus: By Grabthar's hammer, we live to tell the tale.
- Voice of Computer: Systems registering functional.
- Lt. Tawny Madison: All systems are working, Commander.
- Commander Peter Quincy Taggart: I don't like it. It was too easy.
- Laredo: Wait. Oh, no! They're everywhere. There are time knots opening everywhere.
- Lt. Tawny Madison: A trap!
- Dr. Lazarus: We're surrounded, Commander.
- [crew screaming as the ship is hit]
- Tech Sgt. Chen: It's a core meltdown, sir. It can't be stopped.
- Dr. Lazarus: Surrender may be our only option.
- Commander Peter Quincy Taggart: No! Never give up, never surrender.
- Laredo: Your orders, sir?
- [pause]
- Laredo: Sir, your orders?
- Commander Peter Quincy Taggart: Activate the Omega 13.
- [?to be continued? appears on the screen]
- Voice of Computer: Negative, there is no replacement Beryllium Sphere on board.
- Gwen DeMarco: [to crew] No, there is no replacement Beryllium Sphere on board.
- Tommy Webber: You know, that is really getting annoying!
- Gwen DeMarco: [shouts] Look! I have one job on this lousy ship, it's *stupid*, but I'm gonna do it! Okay?
- Tommy Webber: Sure, no problem.
- [Quellek has been shot, and is dying. Alexander rushes to him]
- Sir Alexander Dane: Quellek?
- [sees Quellek's wound]
- Sir Alexander Dane: That's not too bad. We'll get you to the medical quarters, and you'll be fine.
- Quellek: It has been my greatest pleasure to serve with you. I have been blessed, Sir. I... I... I...
- Sir Alexander Dane: Don't speak, Quellek.
- Quellek: You'll forgive my impertinence, Sir, but even though we have never before met, I have always considered you as a father to me.
- Sir Alexander Dane: Quellek... by Grabthar's hammer... by the Suns of Worvan... you shall be... avenged.
- [Gwen and Jason encounter the chompers]
- Gwen DeMarco: What is this thing? I mean, it serves no useful purpose for there to be a bunch of chompy, crushy things in the middle of a hallway. No, I mean we shouldn't have to do this, it makes no logical sense, why is it here?
- Jason Nesmith: 'Cause it's on the television show.
- Gwen DeMarco: Well forget it! I'm not doing it! This episode was badly written!
- [Trying to explain TV to the Thermians]
- Gwen DeMarco: They're not ALL "historical documents." Surely, you don't think Gilligan's Island is a...
- [All the Thermians moan in despair]
- Mathesar: Those poor people.
- Guy Fleegman: I'm not even supposed to be here. I'm just "Crewman Number Six." I'm expendable. I'm the guy in the episode who dies to prove how serious the situation is. I've gotta get outta here.
- Sir Alexander Dane: Could they be the miners?
- Fred Kwan: Sure, they're like three years old.
- Sir Alexander Dane: MINERS, not MINORS.
- Fred Kwan: You lost me.
- Sir Alexander Dane: You're just going to have to figure out what it wants. What is its motivation?
- Jason Nesmith: It's a rock monster. It doesn't have motivation.
- Sir Alexander Dane: See, that's your problem, Jason. You were never serious about the craft.
- [the rock monster chases Nesmith]
- Alexander Dane: You're just going to have to kill it.
- Jason Nesmith: Kill it? Well, I'm open to any suggestions.
- Tommy Webber: Go for the eyes, like in episode 22!
- Jason Nesmith: He doesn't have any eyes, Tommy!
- Tommy Webber: Go for the mouth, then, the throat, his vulnerable spots!
- Jason Nesmith: It's a rock! It doesn't have any vulnerable spots!
- Guy Fleegman: I know! You construct a weapon. Look around, can you form some sort of rudimentary lathe?
- [Fred tries to digitize the pig-lizard with disastrous results]
- Jason Nesmith: What? What was that?
- Alexander Dane: Uh, nothing.
- Jason Nesmith: I heard some squealing or something.
- Gwen DeMarco: Oh, no. Everything's fine.
- Teb: But the animal is inside out.
- Jason Nesmith: I heard that! It turned inside out?
- [the pig-lizard explodes]
- Teb: And it exploded.
- Jason Nesmith: Did I just hear that the animal turned inside out, and then it EXPLODED? Hello?
- Gwen DeMarco: [Flipping a bit of pig-lizard off her communicator] Hold, please.
- Brandon Wheeger: I just wanted to tell you that I thought a lot about what you said.
- Jason Nesmith: It's okay, now listen...
- Brandon Wheeger: But I want you to know that I'm not a complete brain case, okay? I understand completely that it's just a TV show. I know there's no beryllium sphere...
- Jason Nesmith: Hold it.
- Brandon Wheeger: no digital conveyor, no ship...
- Jason Nesmith: Stop for a second, stop. It's all real.
- Brandon Wheeger: Oh my God, I knew it. I knew it! I knew it!
- [Reading a tactical display]
- Guy Fleegman: Hey guys, there's a red-thingy moving toward the green-thingy.
- Jason Nesmith: What?
- Guy Fleegman: Red-thingy moving toward the green-thingy. I think we're the green-thingy.
- [after the Blue Creatures have eaten Limpy]
- Jason Nesmith: Ok, here's the plan: first, Fred, we need a diversion to clear these things out of the compound, then Gwen, Alex, Fred and I go down to get the sphere. Any of those things come back Tommy, give a signal. Guy, you set up a perimeter.
- Gwen DeMarco: Why does this sound so familiar?
- Tommy Webber: "Assault on Voltarek III". Episode 81 I think.
- Guy Fleegman: We're doing episode 81?
- Tommy Webber: Whatever, the one with the hologram. The wall of fire.
- Gwen DeMarco: How the hell is Fred supposed to project a hologram?
- Guy Fleegman: We're doing episode 81, Jason?
- Jason Nesmith: It doesn't have to be a hologram, just a diversion.
- Guy Fleegman: Jason, are we doing episode 81 or not?
- Jason Nesmith: It's a rough plan, Guy, what does it matter if we're doing episode 81 or not?
- Guy Fleegman: BECAUSE I DIED... IN EPISODE 81!
- Brandon's Mom: Where are you going with all those fireworks?
- Brandon: Well, the Protector got super-accelerated coming out of the black hole, and it, like, nailed the atmosphere at Mach 15, which, you guys know, is pretty unstable, obviously, so we're gonna help Laredo guide it on the the vox ultra-frequency carrier and use Roman candles for visual confirmation.
- Brandon's Mom: Uh, all right, dinner's at seven.
- [Brandon exits. Mom turns to a dubious Dad]
- Brandon's Mom: Well, he's outside.
- Sir Alexander Dane: I played Richard III.
- Fred Kwan: Five curtain calls...
- Sir Alexander Dane: There were five curtain calls. I was an actor once, damn it. Now look at me. Look at me! I won't go out there and say that stupid line one more time.
- [Fred and Larali start to passionately kiss]
- Guy Fleegman: [Turns away, embarrassed] Hey... Get a room guys.
- [Larali's alien tentacles start to slide up Fred's back and over his shoulder]
- Guy Fleegman: Woah!
- [Fred looks down at the tentacles, his eyes roll back, and he starts kissing again]
- Guy Fleegman: Heh, C'mon Fred.
- [Fred and Larali drop to the floor and out of sight. A high pitched squishing sound is heard]
- Guy Fleegman: Oh *that's* not right! No...
- [after fake fighting]
- Jason Nesmith: You used to pull your punches.
- Sir Alexander Dane: It's "Scene-Stealing Hack," thank you.
- Jason Nesmith: "Raving Egomaniac"?
- Sir Alexander Dane: Can't think where I got THAT from.
- Guy Fleegman: HEY! Don't open that! It's an alien planet! Is there air? You don't know!
- [Guy holds his breath. Kwan sniffs the air and shrugs]
- Fred Kwan: Seems okay.
- Jason Nesmith: You WILL go out there.
- Sir Alexander Dane: I won't and nothing you say will make me.
- Jason Nesmith: The show must go on.
- Sir Alexander Dane: ...Damn you.
- [the crew is on a shuttle descending to an alien planet]
- Guy Fleegman: I changed my mind. I wanna go back.
- Sir Alexander Dane: After the fuss you made about getting left behind?
- Guy Fleegman: Yeah, but that's when I thought I was the crewman that stays on the ship, and something is up there, and it kills me. But now I'm thinking I'm the guy who gets killed by some monster five minutes after we land on the planet.
- Jason Nesmith: You're not gonna die on the planet, Guy.
- Guy Fleegman: I'm not? Then what's my last name?
- Jason Nesmith: It's, uh, uh - -I don't know.
- Guy Fleegman: Nobody knows. Do you know why? Because my character isn't important enough for a last name, because I'm gonna die five minutes in.
- Gwen DeMarco: Guy, you have a last name.
- Guy Fleegman: DO I? DO I? For all you know, I'm "Crewman Number Six"! Mommy... mommy...
- Sir Alexander Dane: Are we there yet?
- Guy Fleegman: I'm just a glorified extra, Fred. I'm a dead man anyway. If I'm gonna die, I'd rather go out a hero than a coward.
- Fred Kwan: Guy, Guy, maybe you're the plucky comic relief. You ever think about that?
- Guy Fleegman: Plucky?
- Gwen DeMarco: Fred, you had a part people loved. I mean, my TV Guide interview was six paragraphs about my BOOBS and how they fit into my suit. No one bothered to ask me what I do on the show.
- Fred Kwan: You were... the umm, wait a minute, I'll think of it...
- Gwen DeMarco: I repeated the computer, Fred.
- Sir Alexander Dane: Where's the happy ending, Jason? "Never give up, never surrender?"
- Jason Nesmith: [Using the opportunity to provoke a fake fight] Maybe it's about time you just backed off, you fin-headed monstrosity.
- Sir Alexander Dane: You what?
- Jason Nesmith: You're starting to act just like to did in Episode 17, you scene-stealing hack!
- Sir Alexander Dane: [Finally catching on] Oh! Right! Well, how does it feel, Jason? Was it worth it? You've murdered us all!
- Jason Nesmith: Shut up.
- Sir Alexander Dane: Hundreds to die, just because of you!
- Jason Nesmith: I told you to shut up!
- [They are both shoved into an air lock]
- Sir Alexander Dane: Hundreds to die, just because you want to play at being commander, you raving lunatic.
- [They begin shoving each other]
- Jason Nesmith: Then I'll see you in Hell, won't I?
- [They begin punching each other. Alexander motions Jason towards a metal rod. Jason swings at him, Alexander ducks, and Jason knocks out one of the guards. They rush the others]
- Sarris: [Sarris believes that Nesmith plans to ram his ship] Let me remind you, sonny: I am a general. If you are counting on me to blink, then you are making a deadly mistake.
- Jason Nesmith: Well, let me tell you something, Sarris: It doesn't take a great actor to recognize a bad one. You're sweating.
- Sarris: You fool! You failed to realize that, with your armor gone, my ship will tear through yours like tissue paper.
- Jason Nesmith: And what you fail to realize is my ship... is dragging mines!
- Fred Kwan: Hey guys, I just wanted you to know that, the reactors won't take it; the ship is breaking apart and all that... Just FYI.
- Guy Fleegman: I don't like this. I don't like this at all.
- Gwen DeMarco: They are *so* cute.
- Guy Fleegman: Sure, they're cute now, but in a second they're gonna get mean, and they're gonna get ugly somehow, and there's gonna be a million more of them.
- Jason Nesmith: Am I too late for Alexander's panic attack?
- [Alex hides his face in despair]
- Jason Nesmith: Apparently not.
- [after blowing two of Sarris' men out the airlock]
- Fred Kwan: Sorry, I was - door was a little sticky. Did you see that? I'll get one of my boys up here with a can of WD-40.
- Fred Kwan: Hey, Commander. Listen, we found some beryllium on a nearby planet. And we might be able to get there if we reconfigure the solar matrix in parallel for endothermic propulsion. What'd'ya think?
- Jason Nesmith: We'll do that!
- Guy Fleegman: All right!
- Fred Kwan: [to his engineering team] That's right again. That's... come on, group hug.
- Jason Nesmith: Okay Gwen, put me back on with him.
- Gwen DeMarco: That's what I've been trying to tell you, Jason. You ARE back with him.
- Sarris: Perhaps I am not as stupid as I am ugly, commander!
- Jason Nesmith: [to Gwen] I gave you the 'kill' gesture.
- Gwen DeMarco: No, you gave me the 'we're dead' signal. I was agreeing with you. Like I know where the 'hold' button is.
- Sir Alexander Dane: [Guy is grinning at Alex] What?
- Guy Fleegman: I'm just jazzed about being on the show, man.
- Mathesar: We were hoping you could come with us. Our people have no commander.
- Commander Peter Quincy Taggart: Mathesar, I think your people have a great commander, sir.
- [salutes him]
- [Sarris forces Jason to tell Mathesar he's an actor on a TV show]
- Jason Nesmith: I'm not a commander. There's no "National Space Exploration Administration." We don't have a ship.
- Mathesar: [looking at TV screen] But there it is...
- Jason Nesmith: [gesturing with his fingers] The ship is that big.
- Mathesar: But inside, I see many rooms.
- Jason Nesmith: You've seen plywood sets that look like the inside. Our beryllium sphere is... is wire with plaster around it. And our digital conveyor is... it's Christmas tree lights. It's a decoration. It's all fake. Just like me.
- Mathesar: But why...?
- Jason Nesmith: It's difficult to explain. On our planet, we, uh... we pretend to... to entertain. Mathesar, I am so sorry. God, I am so sorry.
- Sir Alexander Dane: [Indicated Jason] Need I remind you that this man is wearing a costume, not a uniform. He's no more qualified to lead us than
- [indicating Guy]
- Sir Alexander Dane: ... this fellow... No offense...
- Teb: [after Alexander and Quellek open the door to the barracks] We're saved! He saved us! Commander Taggart has saved us!
- the Thermian crew in the barracks: [cheering together] Hurrah! Commander Taggart!
- Sir Alexander Dane: It's just not fair.
- [first lines]
- Laredo: Exiting the time knot now, Sir.
- Tech Sgt. Chen: We're alive.
- Laredo: We made it, Commander. We made it.
- Dr. Lazarus: By Grabthar's hammer, we live to tell the tale.
- Voice of Computer: Systems registering functional.
- Lt. Tawny Madison: All systems are working, Commander.
- Commander Peter Quincy Taggart: I don't like it. It was too easy.
- Laredo: Wait. Oh, no! They're everywhere. There are time knots opening everywhere.
- Lt. Tawny Madison: A trap!
- Dr. Lazarus: We're surrounded, Commander.
- [crew screaming as the ship is hit]
- Tech Sgt. Chen: It's a core meltdown, sir. It can't be stopped.
- Dr. Lazarus: Surrender may be our only option.
- Commander Peter Quincy Taggart: No! Never give up, never surrender.
- Laredo: Your orders, sir?
- [pause]
- Laredo: Sir, your orders?
- Commander Peter Quincy Taggart: Activate the Omega 13.
- [?to be continued? appears on the screen]
- Jason Nesmith: Remember yesterday at the convention, those people dressed like aliens? They were aliens! They were termites or... or dalmations. I can't really remember cause I was kinda hungover.
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