- Sammy Brown: My name is Sammy Brown and I just came into town. Saw your ad, you're Mr. Lee. Say, you can make a mint on me.
- Mr. Lee, Theatrical Agent: What do you do?
- Sammy Brown: Dance, sing.
- Mr. Lee, Theatrical Agent: Play a role?
- Sammy Brown: Anything. Say, I'm a find for guys like you, cause there's nothing I can't do.
- Mr. Lee, Theatrical Agent: Tell me, where did you work before?
- Sammy Brown: In a department store.
- Mr. Lee, Theatrical Agent: Who told you you could dance and sing?
- Sammy Brown: For money, I'll do anything.
- Mr. Lee, Theatrical Agent: I need a drink.
- Tomalio: Alright, I'll take a drink.
- Mr. Lee, Theatrical Agent: You'll take the air!
- Sammy Brown: The air he cries!
- Tomalio: I no like the air. It's too cold outside.
- Caesar's Ghost: I played a part in Ben Hur once.
- Mr. Lee, Theatrical Agent: What part did you play, sir?
- Caesar's Ghost: A girl, she played the part of Ben.
- Mr. Lee, Theatrical Agent: And you?
- Caesar's Ghost: I played her.
- Caesar's Ghost: I want to play a dramatic part, the kind that touch a woman's heart, to make her cry for me to die ...
- Tomalio: Did you ever get hit with a cocoanuts pie?
- Caesar's Ghost: [To Tomalio] That's my argument. Restrict immigration.
- Sammy Brown: [After the Merchant of Wieners performs] Well, what do you think?
- Mr. Lee, Theatrical Agent: I wouldn't give him a dollar a week.
- Tomalio: Not so loud. He'll take it.
- Mr. Lee, Theatrical Agent: [After Caesar's Ghost performs] Give me a brick!
- Caesar's Ghost: [Hands Mr. Lee a brick] Here's a brick. I always carry one for this imitation.
- Mr. Lee, Theatrical Agent: Say, I ought to lay this on your head!
- Caesar's Ghost: You can't do that - you don't belong to my bricklayer's union!
- [reading a note from The Merchant of Wieners]
- Mr. Lee, Theatrical Agent: My name is What-Do-You-Care, my home is anywhere. People say I'm awful dumb, so I thought to you I'd come.
- Caesar's Ghost: Now, just a moment, wait a minute. He might be crazy. Wait, I'll find out. You wanna go on the stage?
- [The Merchant of Wieners nods]
- Caesar's Ghost: Crazy.