The King of Queens (1998–2007)
Jerry Stiller: Arthur Spooner, Arthur
Photos
Quotes
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Arthur Spooner : Why do we have to sit so close to the kitchen? Is it because we're black?
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Arthur Spooner : Darling, I need to borrow the iron.
Carrie Spooner Heffernan : Dad, I told you. If you want a grilled cheese sandwich, I will make you one.
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Arthur Spooner : You gotta hand it to those Japanese, though, clever people. Still a mystery to me how we ever got them to surrender in the Second World War.
Carrie Spooner Heffernan : Well, we did annihilate two of their cities.
Arthur Spooner : True enough. Mystery solved.
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[Doug answers the phone]
Doug Heffernan : Hello... Mhm?... Oh, hold on a second, let me get him... Arthur! Phone!
Arthur Spooner : Who is it?
Doug Heffernan : It's Louis Di Robertis from some law firm.
Arthur Spooner : Tell him to drop dead!
Doug Heffernan : Okay, I am not going to tell him to drop dead.
Arthur Spooner : Then tell him to go to hell!
Doug Heffernan : Not telling him that either.
Arthur Spooner : Then you go to hell!
Doug Heffernan : You go to hell!
Arthur Spooner : Drop dead!
[Doug lifts up the phone]
Doug Heffernan : Sorry, wrong number.
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[Arthur has put dirty dishes in the cupboard]
Doug Heffernan : No big deal. We'll just reload the dishwasher and wash 'em. Okay, which of these did you already put away?
Arthur Spooner : Let's see, I definitely remember putting away a blue bowl with big white and yellow sunflowers on it.
Doug Heffernan : Okay, we don't own anything close to that.
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Arthur Spooner : Ah, Paris. I haven't been back there since we liberated her in '44. The City Of Lights knew peace once more. I also got the clap, but that's a another story for another time.
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Carrie Spooner Heffernan : Dad, why have you been hanging around that school playground?
Arthur Spooner : Business.
Carrie Spooner Heffernan : Not selling those dumb ribbons, I hope.
Arthur Spooner : Let's just say kids will be running home to their mommies to tell them about their encounter with the Ribbon Man.
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Arthur Spooner : You know, we're quite a team. Like Jake and the Fatman. Needless to say, I'm Jake.
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Arthur Spooner : What's going on?
Doug Heffernan : It's Carrie. The weirdest thing, every time we get together with our friends to play board games, she cheats.
Arthur Spooner : She cheats? That little girl? That's impossible.
Doug Heffernan : Arthur, I've seen her do it.
Arthur Spooner : No, no. She may put some cotton in her bra from time to time, but she does not cheat at board games!
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Arthur Spooner : Why can't you be more like Rain Man?
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Joe Heffernan : You're out of your mind!
Arthur Spooner : I've never been more in my mind!
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Arthur Spooner : Sure, Douglas, you're white hot. You rode the frog to the top, but lady luck can be a fickle whore.
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[Doug, Deacon and Arthur are going to babysit Major and spend some time together]
Kelly Palmer : Okay, honey you are all set. Here is your "see and say"... Here is pinkys, whites, towels, diapers and buttcream.
Arthur Spooner : Buttcream?, where is this day headin'?
[Arthur looks at Doug]
Doug Heffernan : Yeah, You wish!
Arthur Spooner : Like I waste a wish on that, huh?
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Carrie Spooner Heffernan : Dad, Doug and I were just thinking...
Arthur Spooner : [to Doug] Well, I hope you didn't strain yourself. I kid out of love.
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Arthur Spooner : It seems to have reached optimal temperature. Now hit me with a load of Dougie batter.
Doug Heffernan : Let's see how the waffles go and see what happens.
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[Arthur is moving up to sleep in the room next to Carrie and Doug's bedroom]
Arthur Spooner : Well, hello there, neighbour!
Doug Heffernan : Hello. Why did he call me neighbour?
Carrie Spooner Heffernan : I'm moving him up here tonight, the basement was freezing.
Doug Heffernan : How freezing?
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Arthur Spooner : Nobody squeals like Ned Beatty!