The Jack Dee Show (1992–1994)

Jack Dee: Self

Quotes 

• Jack Dee : I love to be in Britain, when it's hot weather. I love it when you get four or five days of hot weather, because then people in Kent run out of water, don't they? Know what I like to do? I like to ring them up, and play the sound of running water down the phone.

  [Pretending to be on the telephone] 

  Jack Dee : Hello, I just washed my car. Probably water the lawn in a minute. Might have a bath, might not, see how I feel. I'll probably fill the bath, not even use it.

• Jack Dee : I am trying out some stuff tonight, not sure how it's going to go. You know what it's like when you're on drugs for the first time. I actually... I hate people who think it's cleaver to take drugs, like customs officers. Aren't they a bunch of b*****ds, all that finger up the a***hole, all day long. They put a uniform on, for a job like that, can you imagine doing that? 'Just off to work now dear'. 'Have a nice day day at the orafice'.

• Jack Dee : I read in my local newspaper, they had this advert, "Please look after your neighbours in the cold weather", and shall I tell you something about that? I live next door to this 84-year-old woman, do you know, not once has she come round to see if I'm all right, yet. The lazy cow hasn't even taken her milk in for a fortnight!