Being John Malkovich (1999)

Catherine Keener: Maxine Lund

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Maxine : Let's have sex on his table and then make him eat an omelette off of it.

  John Malkovich : NO!

  [Craig regains control] 

  Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich) : Shut up, you overrated piece of shit.

• Craig Schwartz : There's a tiny door in my office, Maxine. It's a portal and it takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes... and then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out... into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike.

  Maxine : Sounds great! Who the fuck is John Malkovich?

  Craig Schwartz : Oh, he's an actor. He's one of the great American actors of the 20th century.

  Maxine : Oh yeah? What's he been in?

  Craig Schwartz : Lots of things. That jewel thief movie, for example. He's very well respected. Anyway, the point is... this is a very odd thing. It's supernatural, for lack of a better word. I mean, it raises all sorts of philosophical-type questions, you know... about the nature of self, about the existence of a soul. You know, am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich? I had a piece of wood in my hand Maxine. I don't have it any more. Where is it? Did it disappear? How could that be? Is it still in Malkovich's head? I don't know! Do you see what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is? I don't see how I could go on living my life the way I've lived it before.

  [Maxine gestures toward a 7.5 story high window] 

• Maxine : Meet you in Malkovich in one hour.

• Craig Schwartz : I've fallen in love, and this is what people who've fallen in love look like.

  Maxine : Well, you picked the unrequited variety. It's very bad for the skin.

• Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich) : You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls.

  Maxine : You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people!

• Maxine : Do you have any idea what it's like to have two people look at you, with total lust and devotion, through the same pair of eyes? Wow. Nah, I don't suppose you would. It's quite a thrill, Craigy!

• Craig Schwartz : If I can guess your name in three tries, you have to come have a drink with me tonight.

  Maxine : Why not?

  Craig Schwartz : Okay. You look like a... BarrrRuuu - BellllLuuuu - Lllll - Carolllll - Taaaa-Sharrr - - SusaaannnEmmmmilllly - - Marr - laaarr - Maax... ine - M-M-M - Maxine?

  Maxine : Yeah! Who told you?

  Craig Schwartz : Nobody told me. That just came out. Isn't that odd?

• Maxine : Here's the thing: If you ever got me, you wouldn't have a clue what to do with me.

• Craig Schwartz : I like you, I don't know what it is about you.

  Maxine : My tits?

  Craig Schwartz : No! No, no, no.

  Maxine : No?

  Craig Schwartz : It's your energy, your attitude, you know, the way you carry yourself.

  Maxine : You're not a fag, are you?

  Craig Schwartz : No, I am really attracted to you.

  Maxine : "No, I am really attracted to you", Christ, you are a fag. Okay, we can share recipes if you like, darling.

  Craig Schwartz : No, no, I love your tits, love 'em. I want to fuck you!

  Maxine : Great! Now we're gettin' somewhere. Not a chance.

• Maxine : Craig! I just - I don't find you attractive. And Lotte, I'm smitten with you. I am; but, only when you're in Malkovich. When I looked into his eyes last night, I could feel you peering out.

  Lotte Schwartz : Really?

  Maxine : Behind the stubble and the too prominent brow and the male pattern baldness, I sensed your feminine longing. And it just slew me.

• [During sex] 

  John Malkovich : Did you call me Lotte?

  Maxine : Yeah, do you mind?

  John Malkovich : No, not really.

• First J.M. Inc. Customer : Now when you say that I can be somebody else, whaddya mean exactly?

  Craig Schwartz : Well, we mean exactly that. We can put you inside someone else's body, for fifteen minutes.

  First J.M. Inc. Customer : Can I be anybody that I wanna be?

  Craig Schwartz : Well, you... actually...

  Maxine : You can be John Malkovich.

  First J.M. Inc. Customer : Perfect! It's... my... second choice, but it's wonderful. I'm a fat man. I'm sad and I...

  Maxine : Two hundred dollars.

• Craig Schwartz : I was thinking about what you were saying the other day, about the orientation film being bullshit.

  Maxine : Yes?

  Craig Schwartz : I think maybe you're on to something.

  Maxine : And fifty other lines to get into a girl's pants.

• Maxine : You're not someone I could get interested in, Craig. You play with dolls.

  Craig Schwartz : Puppets, Maxine. You see, it's the idea of being inside someone else's skin and seeing what they see and feeling what they feel.

  Maxine : Yeechs!

• [Answering the phone] 

  Maxine : J.M. Inc.: Be all that someone else can be.

• Craig Schwartz : Hi. Do you know that I don't even know your name, or where you work?

  Maxine : Yeah.

• Maxine : Well, my nipples are at attention, General Malkovich, sir!

• Craig Schwartz : My name is Craig Schwartz - and we operate a little business here that simulates for our clientele, well, the experience - of being you, actually.

  John Malkovich : Simulate?

  Craig Schwartz : Yeah, after a fashion.

  John Malkovich : What exactly does that mean?

  Craig Schwartz : Well, it's hard to describe.

  John Malkovich : I want to do it.

  Craig Schwartz : Well, I'm sure that would pale in comparison to the actual experience.

  John Malkovich : I want to do it!

  Craig Schwartz : Well, right now, Mr. Hiroshi's in the tube and he's got...

  Maxine : Let him do it, Craig.

  Craig Schwartz : Of course! Right this way, Mr. Malkovich. Compliments of the house.

• Craig Schwartz : What happens when a man goes through his own portal?

  Maxine : We'll see.

• Craig Schwartz : Can I buy you a drink, Maxine?

  Maxine : Are you married?

  Craig Schwartz : Yes, but enough about me.

• Maxine : Tell me a little about yourself.

  Craig Schwartz : Well, I'm a puppeteer...

  Maxine : [turns to bartender]  Check!

• Maxine : Meet me at the Stuck Pig... at eight o'clock. If you're late, I walk.

• Maxine : Oh, you know what? The puppeteer told me he loved me today. I know, I can't think of anything more pathetic!

• Maxine : I need you for this, Craigy. You're my man on the inside.

  Craig Schwartz : You need me? I'm your man?

  Maxine : Sure, whatever.

• Craig Schwartz : We don't know the significance of this thing. It might be dangerous to toy with.

  Maxine : Well, I'll protect you, doll face.

• Maxine : Oh, Lotte. Lotte, this is so good!

  Craig Schwartz : [inside John Malkovich watching Maxine]  My God!

  Maxine : Lotte.

  Craig Schwartz : [inside John Malkovich watching Maxine]  This is amazing.

  Maxine : Lotte.

  Craig Schwartz : [inside John Malkovich watching Maxine]  Oh, touch her breast. Touch her breast. Right hand across left breast now.

  Maxine : Lotte!

  Craig Schwartz : [inside John Malkovich watching Maxine]  Move right hand across left breast now! Move right hand across left breast now!

• John Malkovich : Something was making me talk. Some - goddamn thing was making me move. I gotta get outta here.

  Maxine : Oh, doll face! It was just - your passion for me taking hold.

  John Malkovich : No! Doll face, I know what my passion taking hold feels like.