Shared with you
- Russell: Sorry, let me just... Lydia's becoming more and more demanding and you feel bad because Helen's working night and day to keep the money coming in. But you've asked Helen to come on a research trip to Dorset with you - knowing that she wouldn't be able to - to cover up the fact that you're really taking Lydia. And despite the fact that Lydia gave you an out on the phone - which you didn't take - you're having a moral dilemma.
- [pause]
- Russell: Gerry, you are a morality-free zone.
- James: Everybody's born knowing all the Beatles lyrics instinctively. They're passed into the fetus subconsciously along with all the amniotic stuff. Fact, they should be called "The Fetals".
- [Helen tells James her boyfriend is cheating]
- James: Well, if it makes you feel any better... do you see that bloke over there?
- [Points to his friend at the end of the bar]
- James: Not only does he own a personalized matching set of crocodile-skin luggage, but his favorite TV program is "Baywatch". So you see there's always someone sadder than you.
- [Helen starts to cry]
- James: Do you love him?
- Helen: No, I could never love a "Baywatch" fan.
- Lydia: I'm trying to be your girlfriend, Gerry! I'm trying to win you back! I'm standing on the platform at Limbo Central with my heart and soul packed in my suitcase waiting for the Gerry Fucking Express to roll in and tell me that my ticket is still valid and that I may reboard the train. Only the station announcer keeps coming on and telling me that my train has been delayed as the driver has suffered a major panic attack in Indecision City, "We suggest you take the bus"! That's what I have been trying to do, you cripple!
- Lydia: Gerry, I'm a woman! We don't say what we want! But we reserve the right to get pissed off if we don't get it. That's what makes us so fascinating! And not a little bit scary.
- Helen: For God's sake, Gerry. I asked you a simple question; there is no need for you to become Woody Allen.
- [Helen has broken up with her boyfriend]
- Helen: Bollocks to him. I'm over him.
- Anna: [skeptically] Oh. You're over him.
- Helen: Yes. Totally and utterly and completely over him.
- Anna: No you're not.
- Helen: I am.
- Anna: You're not.
- Helen: Anna, I'm over him! What do you mean I'm not? How do you know I'm not?
- Anna: Well, two things really. One, you're still counting how long you've been apart in days - and probably hours and minutes - but the big-flashing-red-light way of telling you're not really over someone is when you're still reading their horoscope in the hope that they're going to get wiped out in some freak napalming incident.
- Helen: Smartass!
- [tosses the paper at Anna]
- Anna: [opens the paper] What is he?
- Helen: A wanker.
- [pause]
- Helen: Oh. Aries.
- Anna: Aries... Aries... well, just shows how much I know.
- [reads]
- Anna: "With Mars your ruler in the ascendancy, you will get wiped out in a freak napalming incident and Helen says bollocks to you." This guy's very good.
- Helen: Look, James. Maybe I shouldn't be here. I'm sorry, I'm not being fair. You know, under normal circumstances, etcetera... You're really nice--and funny. My friend Anna thinks you're cute...
- James: Wait. Wait! Your friend Anna thinks I'm cute? Your friend ANNA thinks I'm cute? Shit, I just blew--wait
- [looks at menu]
- James: --two eighty-five on the wrong girl!
- Cheeky Bloke: Hey, gorgeous. What do you do when you're not serving up mad cow burgers in here, eh?
- Helen: Well, now, then, let me see. I get up at about 7:30AM making and delivering sandwiches in the West End during the day before I come here about 6 o'clock and finish at midnight. After that, if I've got any energy left, I give my boyfriend a blow job.
- [pause]
- Helen: Would you like some mayonnaise with that?
- Helen: So who are you on the rebound from?
- James: A girl called Pamela. My whole life pivots around Pam and I breaking up.
- Helen: When was that?
- James: 1973, we were eight. I bloody loved that woman! No warning just up, gone, left me for someone else.
- Helen: Who?
- James: Gary Glitter! Gary Glitter for cryin' out loud! I mean all my friends were being left for Donny Osmond or David Cassidy, I could have come to terms with that given time, but Gary oooooh she wanted to touch him there yeeaah...
- Russell: I must say, being friends with you certainly makes the wait for the next episode of "Seinfeld" much easier to bear.
- Gerry: [looking in the mirror] Are you some peculiar, thus far undefined breed of dickhead. You have two head problems. One, that was close, very close. Put in layman's terms, she nearly caught you. Two, and this is far more worrying than the first one, you're talking to yourself in the mirror again. Really bad sign.
- Russell: Sorry, let me just... Lydia's becoming more and more demanding and you feel bad because Helen's working night and day to keep the money coming in. But you've asked Helen to come on a research trip to Dorset with you - knowing that she wouldn't be able to - to cover up the fact that you're really taking Lydia. And despite the fact that Lydia gave you an out on the phone - which you didn't take - you're having a moral dilemma.
- [pause]
- Russell: Gerry, you are a morality-free zone.
- [to Helen, who is drinking a milkshake]
- James: Come on! If you don't drink your fatty drinks, you'll never really achieve quality cellulite.
- James: No, I mean, don't think that I have not called you. I haven't not called you. I mean, I don't... I don't mean I haven't not called you, because that's a double negative, so as to say that I have called you.
- Helen: When did you call?
- James: Well, I didn't. But I... I didn't not call you in the way that you might think I didn't call you. Oh, dear.
- Russell: I blame British telecom. All this new technology, this number if you want to know who called, another one if you don't want them to know you called, itemized bills, take away the first number you thought of... I mean they are singlehandedly condemning the average red-blooded Englishman to a life of terminal monogamy! What are they after? -the Nobel peace prize?
- [to her boss just after he has sacked her]
- Helen: OK, I'll go. I was getting a bit choked up with all the testosterone flying about the place. Best I get out before I start growing a penis.
- James: [James] Helen, listen, sometimes we are plonked into people's lives when they just need to be cheered up and reassured. And it turns out that for some reason it's your job. We don't know why. In your case it's my job.
- Lydia: Thing is, I can't take the interview just now. I'm discussing weather or not I'm going to keep your boyfriend's baby.
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