Almost Heroes (1998)

Chris Farley: Bartholomew Hunt

Photos 

Quotes 

• Hunt : I name this here fork "Pittsburgh Nellie"; a Welsh whore who could do things with her one good arm that'd make you forget that *thing* on her neck.

• Jackson : Sir, Higgins has a story.

  Edwards : Well, Higgins the floor is yours.

  Higgins : This particular event happened last summer on my uncle's farm in Virginia. My brother and I had just finished cutting a field of hay and were enjoying the evening meal under the shade of an elm tree. He went down for water by the creek and when he was gone, I took a bowl that was filled with delicious plum pudding and placed into it, not one, but two large pieces of sheep shit. When he returned I encouraged him to taste the plum pudding... And as sure as Im standing before you, he did! He ate it all. Shit Pudding!

  Edwards : You got your brother to eat sheep dung. That is a very interesting story.

  Hunt : Tell him the ending, that's the best part.

  Higgins : Oh yeah. To be perfectly honest with you sir, I have no brother. It was me. I ate sheep shit! Swear to God.

  Edwards : Clever twist there on the ending.

• Hunt : What I remembered the most were the animals.

  Edwards : [smiles]  Ah, the animals...

  Hunt : Fearsome beasts of the mountains and plains. I've seen a bear so powerful... that it *snapped* a man's body in half with his huge jaws. Garrgghh! Garrgghh! I've seen a badger with paws as big as frying pans. And that'd rip your face right off! Right off! Nothing you can do with that! Just rip it off! Once there was a hawk that swooped down from the sky... Aggghhh! Aggghhh! Aggghhh! And plucked a man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Auuuggghhh! Auuuggghhh! The fella was screaming, "I'm blind! I can't see!" *Twice* when I was fishing...

  Higgins : [Horrified]  THERE'S AN ANIMAL NOW!

  [everyone except Edwards and Hunt starts firing at the animal] 

  Higgins : We can't kill it! We're all dead! God save us!

  Hunt : Hold your fire! Hold your fire!

  [everyone stops firing. Hunt looks closely and sees that the animal is just a squirrel nibbling on an acorn] 

  Hunt : It's only a squirrel.

  Pratt : He's got something in his hand!

  Guy Fontenot : Something in his hand!

  [they continue firing at the squirrel] 

• Lady : I hope Satan himself burns the flesh from your miserable bones.

  Hunt : Good God, Lady.

• Hunt : Walk to Asia? I like it.

• Hunt : The next man who leaves for New Orleans

  [yells] 

  Hunt : will do so with a lead ball in his back!

• [a bear has come into camp] 

  Bidwell : My nose itches.

  Hunt : Don't scratch it.

  Bidwell : Feels like there's a bug up in there.

  Hunt : You scratch your nose. You're dead.

  Bidwell : Well, I don't know what's worse. The bear or my itchy nose.

  Hunt : I think it's leavin'.

  Bidwell : I'm going to scratch it!

  [begins scratching his nose and the bear turns around and bites his leg] 

  Bidwell : [shouts]  The bear is worse! The bear is definitely worse!

• Edwards : My hands will grow rough; my teeth may yellow. I might even experience a general soreness in the joints. Yes, this mission will be a treacherous one, make no mistake. We will face danger from savages and from bears. These bears are wild, mind you. Not trained carnival bears... with...

  [falters] 

  Edwards : ... little hats.

  Nicholas Burr : Sounds exhilarating, sir. Few men would have the courage for such an endeavor.

  Edwards : I'm not afraid, Mr. Burr.

  [points to his temple] 

  Edwards : My mind will protect me. I'm a man of science, a man of learning; a man who knows how to buy the finest books. Fear will be our breakfast, and stark-raving terror our daily luncheon. Eh, Mr. Hunt?

  [Hunt is seen eating and drinking messily, then looks towards Edwards obtusely. Edwards is annoyed and embarrassed] 

  Edwards : ... Mr. Hunt?

  Hunt : [with a mouth chock-full of food]  I'd be more worried about the Indians than the bears.

  [still chewing] 

  Hunt : It's common knowledge that...

  [swallows] 

  Hunt : that when the savages capture a white man, they will split open his head, pick out his brains, and eat them with a crudely fashioned fork.

  [shrugs as Burr and Edwards react in shock] 

  Hunt : So...

  Edwards : [appalled]  Have you witnessed such atrocities, Mr. Hunt?

  Hunt : [avoiding eye contact]  I've... uh... I've s-seen the forks...

• [When trying to read; repeated line] 

  Hunt : Muh... Hah-buh...