Bean (1997)

Rowan Atkinson: Mr. Bean

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mr. Bean : Well, hello. I'm Dr Bean. Apparently. And... and my job is to sit and look at paintings.

  [applause] 

  Mr. Bean : Um... so... um... what have I learnt that I can say about this painting? Um... well, firstly, it's quite big, which is excellent. Because if it was really small, you know, microscopic, then hardly anybody would be able to see it, which would be a tremendous shame. Um, secondly... and I'm getting quite near the end now of this analysis of this painting... secondly... why was it worth this man here spending fifty million of your American dollars on this portrait? And the answer is... um... well... this picture is worth such a lot of money because... it's a picture... of Whistler's mother. And, as I've learnt by staying with my best friend, David Langley and his family, families are very important. And even though Mr Whistler was perfectly aware that his mother was a hideous old bat who looked like she had a cactus lodged up her backside, he stuck with her, and even took the time to paint this amazing picture of her. It's not just a painting. It's a picture of a mad old cow who he thought the world of. And that's marvellous. That's what I think.

  [applause] 

• Lt. Brutus : Mr. Bean, are you presently on any kind of medication?

  Mr. Bean : Not that I know of.

  Lt. Brutus : You certainly could use some.

• David Langley : Well sir, an unorthodox start; but I never expected things with a man of your calibre to be normal. I must confess I've never actually read any of your work. Tell me doctor, what exactly is your position at the gallery?

  Mr. Bean : I sit in the corner... and look at the paintings.

  David Langley : Ach! That is brilliant! If only more scholars would do that, not lecture and write and argue, but just sit and look at the paintings themselves. Now that is brilliant.

• David Langley : I must admit, over the time you've been here, certain... suspicions have begun to gather in my mind. I'm going to be frank here... are you a doctor?

  Mr. Bean : ummm...

  [shakes head] 

  David Langley : okay number two, do you know anything about art. I mean... let me see... was Leonardo Da Vinci a famous American basketball player?

  [sniggers] 

  David Langley : [Bean looks confused, David's face drops] 

  Mr. Bean : ...yes

  David Langley : ...I see

  [brings his hand up to his face] 

• Kevin Langley : I can't sleep. I can'e stop thinking about naked women. What about you?

  Mr. Bean : Whistler's Mother.

  Kevin Langley : Well, whatever turns you on!

• Mr. Bean : [at the virtual rollercoaster ride talking to David]  Brace yourself!

• [David and Bean are outside the exhibition room; David is miserable] 

  David Langley : Say, do you drink, Bean?

  Mr. Bean : No.

  David Langley : Good, neither do I.

  [the two men head off to a bar] 

• David Langley : Doesn't it take, like, five hours?

  Mr. Bean : ...not... necessarily

• [Mr Bean and David are walking home drunk] 

  Mr. Bean , David Langley : [singing while intoxicated]  yow, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. If you see a crocodile, don't forget to scream.

  [Bean screams] 

  Mr. Bean , David Langley : Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. If you see a crocodile, don't forget to scream.

  [both scream loudly when they approach the front door to David's house to find David's wife, Alison already home] 

• David Langley : [looks very anxious as Bean speak up]  Don't talk to me, I'm try to think what I'm goin' to do.

  Mr. Bean : [speak up again]  Well...

  David Langley : QUIET!

  [Bean stop speaking] 

• Mr. Bean : [after the speeh]  Home and dry.

  Mr. Bean : Where did you put the original?

  [Bean looks surprise] 

  Lt. Brutus : [clap his hand on David's shoulder suddenly]  Mr.Langley, can I have a word?

  [Bean and him look at each other, shocked and thought the police figured out the truth about the paintings] 

• David Langley : [frantically send the ruin painting back to the display room, relieve a bit, but suddenly hears the footsteps of Davidfrom the hallway, and he locked the door as soon as David tries to open the door, he dragged the big flowerpot to the door and blocked the door, just when David appeared from the next door]  There seems to have a problem with the...

  [spotted Bean tried to block the door, shocked and speechless] 

  David Langley : door.

  [spotted the painting disappeared] 

  David Langley : where's the picture gone?

  [Bean stammers] 

  David Langley : what, what, what, what?

  [Bean hesitate a bit, and revealed the painting with the head replaced from the cartoon face] 

  David Langley : Oh Jesus! Oh God! Oh Jesus! Mary mother Jesus of Nazareth!

  [locked all the doors] 

  David Langley : Why am I worried about this? You did it! All I gotta do is go tell 'em what happened. But they'll say, "Who left him alone with the picture?" And I'll say, "Me". And they'll say, "You're fired" and I'll say, "Fine". They'll say, "No, no, no, firing's not good enough. Let's prosecute you for negligence". I go to jail, my wife leaves me, my daughter becomes a prostitute, I wind up on death row sharing a cell with Butch McDick!

  [deranged] 

  David Langley : alright, stay calm, stay calm, okay, okay, give me one mo' time of lookin' at the painting

  [Bean shows it, David been deranged again] 

  David Langley : oh, god, oh god, oh GOD!

  [hide the painting inside the display case, and leave the room, very distress] 

  David Langley : Hey, do you drink, Bean?

  Mr. Bean : No.

  David Langley : Good, neither do I.

  [the two of them left and went to a bar] 

• David Langley : [after the ride ended]  Incredible! You set?

  [woke up Bean, who was sleeping throughout the ride and startled] 

  Mr. Bean : [spotted the motion simulator controller behind the curtain, called David back]  Why don't you get another tickets? could be more fun takin' second round.

  [David agreed, while Bean went off to tamper with the controller] 

  David Langley : [after a short while, David went back with a soft toy monster]  Okay.

  Mr. Bean : [giving warning]  Brace yourself!

  [the ride started and the ride wobbled wildly shook off the tourists and created a commotion] 

• [deleted scene; Mr. Bean has destroyed Whistler's Mother] 

  David Langley : Oh, God! Oh... God, oh, God! God, God, God!

  Mr. Bean : [getting an idea]  Wait. Wait. Wait.

  David Langley : What? Yes?

  [Mr. Bean takes a notepad and pen from his pocket and writes; David gestures to see the notepad; Mr. Bean has written "Do not enter" and shows it to David] 

  Mr. Bean : [points at the door]  Huh?

  David Langley : Excellent! It's fantastic! Problem is solved! Apart from the one tiny drawback that someone will eventually walk through that door. And the first thing they will say is, "Look! Someone has totally destroyed Whistler's Mother! LET'S KILL THEM"!

  [Mr. Bean stares back in shock] 

• [deleted scene; David enters the house with a towel draped around his waist; Mr. Bean cooks breakfast] 

  David Langley : What time is it?

  Mr. Bean : [stirs a saucepan]  Scrambled eggs, anyone?

  David Langley : No, thank you.

  [notices Kevin sitting at the kitchen table] 

  David Langley : Kevin?

  [approaches] 

  David Langley : Shouldn't you be getting to school?

  Kevin Langley : Yeah, I'm waiting.

  David Langley : [confused]  Waiting for what?

  [Mr. Bean sets orange juice down on the table] 

  Kevin Langley : For you to take me.

  David Langley : Y-your mother normally takes you to school?

  Kevin Langley : Yeah.

  David Langley : [shakes his head]  OK. OK, OK, come on, let's do it.

  [pours himself a cup of juice] 

  David Langley : This day of all days to be late. Day when I get to go to work and tell them Whistler's Mother now looks like Pinocchio's father.

  [leaves with his cup] 

  Mr. Bean : Ah! Toast?

  [flips two slices of toast on an oven rack and smells them; sighs happily]