- Stu: Did you really call the police?
- Sidney Prescott: You bet your sorry ass I did.
- Stu: [starting to cry] My mom and dad are gonna be so mad at me!
- Sidney Prescott: You sick fucks. You've seen one too many movies!
- Billy: Now Sid, don't you blame the movies. Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos more creative!
- Sidney Prescott: [when Randy reveals that he's still alive] Oh, my God. Randy I thought you were dead.
- Randy: I probably should be. I never thought I'd be so happy to be a virgin.
- Randy: There are certain RULES that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie. For instance, number one: you can never have sex.
- [crowd boos]
- Randy: BIG NO NO! BIG NO NO! Sex equals death, okay? Number two: you can never drink or do drugs.
- [crowd cheers and raises their bottles]
- Randy: The sin factor! It's a sin. It's an extension of number one. And number three: never, ever, ever under any circumstances say, "I'll be right back." Because you won't be back.
- Stu: I'm gettin' another beer, you want one?
- Randy: Yeah, sure.
- Stu: I'll be right back.
- [crowd cheers]
- Randy: See, you push the laws and you end up dead. Okay, I'll see you in the kitchen with a knife.
- Phone Voice: Do you like scary movies?
- Sidney Prescott: What's the point? They're all the same. Some stupid killer stalking some big-breasted girl who can't act who is always running up the stairs when she should be running out the front door. It's insulting.
- Billy: [licks "blood" from his fingers] Mmmm... corn syrup. Same stuff they used for pig's blood in "Carrie."
- Stu: Shit...
- Billy: What?
- Stu: Oh, shit.
- Billy: [They go into the kitchen to find Sidney and Mr. Prescott gone] Where are they? Where are they?
- Stu: I don't know, Billy, but I'm hurtin', man!
- [the phone rings]
- Stu: Should I let the machine get it?
- Billy: [answers it] Hello?
- Sidney Prescott: Are you alone in the house?
- Billy: Bitch! You bitch, where the fuck are you?
- Sidney Prescott: Not so fast, we're going to play a little game. It's called: Guess who just called the police and reported your sorry motherfucking ass!
- [Stu is slowly collapsing to the floor]
- Billy: Find her, you dipshit! Get up!
- Stu: I can't, Billy. You already cut me too deep. I think I'm dying here, man!
- [Billy gives Stu the phone]
- Billy: [whispers] Talk to her. Talk to her.
- Stu: Hello?
- Sidney Prescott: Ah, Stu, Stu, Stu... What's your motive? Billy's got one. The police are on their way. What are you going to tell them?
- Stu: Peer pressure. I'm far too sensitive.
- [Billy takes the phone back]
- Billy: I'm going to rip you up, bitch, just like your fucking mother!
- Sidney Prescott: You've gotta find me first, you pansy-ass momma's boy!
- Billy: Fuck!
- [He accidentally hits Stu with the phone]
- Stu: Ow! You fuckin' hit me with the phone, dick!
- Phone Voice: Name the killer in Friday the 13th.
- Casey: Jason! Jason! Jason!
- Phone Voice: I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer!
- Casey: No, it's not. No it's not. It was Jason.
- Phone Voice: Afraid not. No way.
- Casey: Listen, it was Jason! I saw that movie 20 goddamn times!
- Phone Voice: Then you should know that Jason's mother, Mrs. Voorhees was the original killer. Jason didn't show up until the sequel. I'm afraid that was a wrong answer.
- Casey: [Weeping] You tricked me.
- Phone Voice: Lucky for you there's a bonus round, but poor Steve... I'm afraid he's OUT!
- Randy: [Gale, Sid and Randy are looking at Billy's body] Careful. This is the moment when the supposedly dead killer comes back to life, for one last scare.
- [Billy starts to rise]
- Sidney Prescott: [shoots Billy] Not in my movie.
- Casey: Listen, asshole...
- Phone Voice: [interrupting] No, *you* listen to me you little bitch! You hang up on me again and I'll gut you like a fish!
- Sidney Prescott: But this is life. This isn't a movie.
- Billy: Sure it is, Sid. It's all a movie. It's all one great big movie.
- [pauses]
- Billy: Only you can't pick your genre.
- Principal Himbry: So, two of your fellow students, just savagely murdered, and this is the way that you show your compassion and sensitivity, huh? Let me tell you something...
- [pause]
- Principal Himbry: You're both expelled. Get out!
- Expelled Teen #1: Aw, come on, Mr. Himbry. It was just a joke!
- Expelled Teen #2: That is not fair!
- Principal Himbry: You're absolutely right. It is not fair. Fairness would be to rip your insides out and hang you from a tree so we can expose you for the heartless, desensitized little shits that you are!
- Phone Voice: You still haven't told me your name.
- Casey: [smiling] Why do you want to know my name?
- Phone Voice: Because I want to know who I'm looking at.
- Casey: [looks around, frightened] ... What did you say?
- Phone Voice: [short pause] I said I want to know who I'm talking to.
- Casey: That's not what you said.
- Phone Voice: [serious tone] What do you think I said?
- Sidney Prescott: Why? Why did you kill my mother?
- Billy: Why? WHY! You hear that, Stu? I think she wants a motive.
- [Stu Chortles]
- Billy: Well, I don't really believe in motives, Sid. I mean did Norman Bates have a motive?
- Stu: No.
- Billy: Did we ever find out why Hannibal Lecter like to eat people? DON'T THINK SO! See, it's a lot more scarier when there's no motive, Sid. We did your Mom a favour, Sid. That woman was a slut-bag whore who flashed her shit all over town like she was Sharon Stone or somethin'.
- Stu: Yeah, we put her out of her misery, 'cause let's face Sidney, your mother was no Sharon Stone, hmm?
- Billy: Is that motive enough for you? How about this? Your slut mother was fucking my father, and she's the reason my mom moved out and abandoned me.
- [Sid looks astonished]
- Billy: How's that for a motive? Maternal abandonment causes serious deviant behavior. It certainly fucked you up. It made you have sex with a psychopath.
- Stu: That's right. You gave it up. Now, you're no longer a virgin. You're not a virgin. Now you got to die. Those are the rules.
- Billy: So, this game is like a scary movie, Sid. How do you think it's going to end?
- Stu: Oh, this is the greatest fun. You're going to love this. We got a surprise for you, Sidney. Yeah, you're going to love this one. It's a scream, baby. Hold a second, be right back.
- Randy: There's always some stupid bullshit reason to kill your girlfriend. That's the beauty of it all! Simplicity! Besides, if it gets too complicated, you lose your target audience.
- Randy: If you were the only suspect in a senseless bloodbath - would you be standing in the horror section?
- Sidney Prescott: How do you - gut someone?
- Stu: You take a knife and you slit 'em from groin to sternum.
- Billy: Hey. It's called tact, you fuck-rag.
- Gale: If I'm right about this, I could save a man's life. Do you know what that would do for my book sales?
- Sidney Prescott: Why are you doing this?
- Billy: It's all part of the game, Sidneeeee!
- [raises machine to mouth and shouts]
- Billy: It's called GUESS HOW I'M GONNA DIE!
- Sidney Prescott: Fuck you!
- Billy: We've already played that game. Remember? You lost.
- Reporter: Sidney, how does it feel to be almost brutally butchered? People want to know. They have a right to know! How does it feel?
- [first lines]
- Casey: Hello?
- Phone Voice: Hello.
- Casey: Yes?
- Phone Voice: Who is this?
- Casey: Who are you trying to reach?
- Phone Voice: What number is this?
- Casey: Well, what number are you trying to reach?
- Phone Voice: I don't know.
- Casey: I think you have the wrong number.
- Phone Voice: Do I?
- Casey: It happens. Take it easy.
- Casey: Look, I am two seconds away from calling the police!
- Phone Voice: They'll never make it in time.
- Gale: Look, Kenny, I know you're about fifty pounds overweight, but when I say hurry, please interpret that as, MOVE YOUR FAT TUB OF LARD ASS, NOW!
- Stu: Because there's no way a girl could have killed them.
- Tatum: That is so sexist. The killer could easily be female. Basic Instinct.
- Randy: That was an ice pick. Not exactly the same thing.
- Stu: Yeah, Casey and Steve were completely hollowed out. Takes a man to do something like that.
- Tatum: Or a man's mentality.
- Cheerleader in Bathroom: She was never attacked. I think she made it all up.
- Girl in Bathroom: Why would she lie about it?
- Cheerleader in Bathroom: For attention. The girl has some serious issues. What if she did it? What if Sidney killed Casey and Steve?
- Girl in Bathroom: Why would she do that?
- Cheerleader in Bathroom: Maybe she had the hots for Steve and killed them both in a jealous rage.
- Girl in Bathroom: What would Sidney want with Steve? She's got her own bubble-butt boyfriend, Billy.
- Cheerleader in Bathroom: Maybe she's a slut, just like her mother.
- Girl in Bathroom: Cut some slack. She watched her mom get butchered.
- Cheerleader in Bathroom: And it fucked her up royally. Think about it, her mother's death leaves her disturbed and hostile in a cruel and inhumane world. She's delusional. "Where's God," etc. Completely suicidal. One day she snaps. She wants to kill herself but she realizes out that teen suicide is out this year and homicide is a much healthier, therapeutic expression.
- Girl in Bathroom: Where do you get this shit?
- Cheerleader in Bathroom: Ricky Lake.
- Girl in Bathroom: You are pathetic.
- [They leave the bathroom]
- [last lines]
- Gale: Okay I think it's going to go something like this, just stay with me. Hi, this is Gale Weathers with an exclusive eyewitness account of this amazing breaking story. Several more local teens are dead, bringing to an end the harrowing mystery of the masked killings that has terrified this peaceful community like the plot of some scary movie. It all began with the scream of a 911, and ended in a bloodbath that has rocked the town of Woodsboro. All played out here in this peaceful farmhouse, far from the crimes and the sirens of the larger cities that its residents have fled. Okay, let's take it back to one. Come on, move it! This is my big shot. Let's go.
- Randy: Listen up. They found Principal Himbry dead. He was gutted and hung from the goal post on the football field.
- Drunk teen: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go over there before they pry him down!