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Mel Brooks, Leslie Nielsen, Lysette Anthony, Peter MacNicol, Steven Weber, and Amy Yasbeck in Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995)

Steven Weber: Harker

Dracula: Dead and Loving It

Steven Weber credited as playing...

Harker

Photos7

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Quotes12

  • Jonathan Harker: She's alive?
  • Van Helsing: She's Nosferatu.
  • Jonathan Harker: She's Italian?
  • Jonathan Harker: Are you saying that Count Dracula is our vampire?
  • Van Helsing: Yes!... and no...
  • Jonathan Harker: Then what are you saying?
  • Van Helsing: I'm saying no. But I'm leeeeaning towards yes.
  • Dr. Seward: Then you're saying yes.
  • Van Helsing: No.
  • Dr. Seward: Then you're saying no.
  • Van Helsing: Not necessarily.
  • Jonathan Harker: You sound dubious.
  • Van Helsing: No -I'm positive!
  • Jonathan Harker: Of what?
  • Van Helsing: Of my theory!
  • Jonathan Harker: And that would be?
  • Van Helsing: The theory of Yes- or no.
  • Lucy Westenra: I know you've always wanted me, and I've always wanted you. Finally we can be together.
  • Jonathan Harker: But Lucy, I'm engaged to Mina... and you're dead.
  • Lucy Westenra: I'm not dead. I'm undead.
  • Jonathan Harker: Yes, well, I'm not unengaged.
  • [after becoming a vampire, Lucy comes on to Jonathan]
  • Jonathan Harker: But Lucy, I'm British!
  • [Lucy reveals her cleavage]
  • Lucy Westenra: But so are these!
  • [Jonathan had just impaled Lucy, and was hit by two rounds of blood]
  • Jonathan Harker: Oh! This is - this is ghastly!
  • Van Helsing: Yes, you're right. We should have put newspapers down!
  • Jonathan Harker: Oh... my... GOD! There's so much blood!
  • Van Helsing: She just ate!
  • Jonathan Harker: Oh! She's still alive!
  • Van Helsing: Hit her again!
  • Jonathan Harker: No no, I can't.
  • Van Helsing: How much blood can she have left?
  • [Jonathan hits the stake more lightly and even more blood sprays out than before]
  • Van Helsing: She's almost dead!
  • Jonathan Harker: She's dead enough.
  • Van Helsing: Where did her blood go? There's nothing on the pillow case, or her nightgown.
  • [to Dr. Seward]
  • Van Helsing: Can you explain zhat?
  • [looks at Jonathan]
  • Van Helsing: Can you explain zhat?
  • Dr. Seward: No, I can't explain zhat.
  • Jonathan Harker: I can't explain zhat, either.
  • Van Helsing: No one can explain zhat!
  • Jonathan Harker: [having been told to drive a stake into Lucy] Oh, that's horrible. Is there no other way?
  • Van Helsing: One other. We could cut off her head, stuff her mouth with garlic and tear off her ears!
  • Jonathan Harker: [after a moment's thought] Give me the stake.
  • [pauses again]
  • Jonathan Harker: No. No, I can't do it... you do it!
  • Van Helsing: It must be done by one who loved her in life!
  • Jonathan Harker: I only liked her!
  • Van Helsing: Close enough!
  • Mina Murray: Oh it makes me so happy to be at the Opera! I love this palace of art and beauty!
  • Jonathan Harker: Oh yes my dear, the Opera is astonishing! The music is frothed with love, hate, sensuality and unbridled passion!... All the things in my life I've managed to suppress so far.
  • Mina Murray: [after Dr. Seward catches Jonathan with his hands on Mina's behind] Suddenly without any reason at all, he laid his hands on me!
  • Jonathan Harker: [exasperated] Oh, she told me to touch it!
  • Jonathan Harker: [watching Mina's reflection in a mirror as she's dancing with Dracula, where it looks like she's dancing alone] She's doing quite well without him, isn't she?
  • Van Helsing: I tell you, we must drive a wooden stake through her heart, or else she will rise from her grave to seek the blood of the living!
  • Dr. Seward: Lucy was my ward. I won't permit you to desecrate her body in such a vile manner. I-It... it's sacrilegious.
  • Jonathan Harker: But Dr. Seward, shouldn't we at least stand guard over Lucy's grave, just to make sure?
  • Dr. Seward: No. I'm having serious doubts about this whole vampire theory. For heaven's sake, who in all of England, by the very furthest stretch of the imagination, could possibly be a vampire?
  • Essie: [leading him in] Count Dracula.
  • Dr. Seward: Well, maybe him.

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