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- Marcus Burnett: [to Mike] I'm not understanding, I - I really don't.
- Store Clerk: [pointing gun at Marcus] Shut up!
- Marcus Burnett: I mean, do you just attract violence?
- [Mike, Marcus, and Julie start arguing, nobody paying attention to his gun; Julie just walks out]
- Store Clerk: Hey, freeze bitch!
- Mike Lowrey: [as he points the gun her way, in a flash Mike and Marcus stop arguing and point their guns at his head] YOU freeze, bitch!
- Store Clerk: Oh shit, I'm fucked.
- Mike Lowrey: Now back up, put the gun down, and get me a pack of Tropical Fruit Bubblicious.
- Marcus Burnett: And some Skittles.
- Marcus Burnett: Hey man where-where-where's your cup holder?
- Mike Lowrey: I don't have one.
- Marcus Burnett: What the f- w'you mean you don't have one? Eighty thousand dollars for this car and you ain't got no damn cup holder?
- Mike Lowrey: It's $105,000 and this happens to be one of the fastest production cars on the planet. Zero to sixty in four seconds, sweetie. It's a limited edition.
- Marcus Burnett: You damn right it's limited. No cup holder, no back seat. Just a shiny dick with two chairs in it. I guess we the balls just draggin' the fuck along.
- Mike Lowrey: Hello?
- Marcus Burnett: We're your new neighbors.
- Mike Lowrey: Don't be alarmed, we're negros.
- Marcus Burnett: Naw man, naw. There's too much bass in your voice. That scares white folks. You got to sound like them.
- [In high pitched voice]
- Marcus Burnett: We were wondering if we could borrow some brown sugar...?
- Captain Howard: Ho, what did I say? Did you hear what I said? I heard what I said 'cause I was standing there when I said it.
- Marcus Burnett: He steals our shit, kidnaps Julie, shoots at my wife. Oh, we beatin' him down. We beatin' him DOWN!
- Captain Howard: [Shooting hoops and continuously missing] I was, like, gettin' 'em all in before you showed up.
- Captain Howard: Until then, until then, you are Mike Lowrey, you be him, that's what you are, you're him.
- Marcus Burnett: But I-...
- Captain Howard: You're him, I don't wanna hear it, you're him. And you, you're you, you be you, but not in front of her. You're him, you're you.
- Marcus Burnett: You see what happens when you go off without me? You get into shit.
- Mike Lowrey: Oh please, like shit don't happen when you're there.
- Marcus Burnett: That - that ain't the point...
- Julie Mott: [Marcus offers some of his sandwich to Julie] No thanks, I don't eat flesh.
- Marcus Burnett: Say what?
- Julie Mott: That's flesh that you're shoveling into your mouth. You know, that was, like, a living, breathing creature. You know, it probably had a name.
- Marcus Burnett: It's just baloney. My baloney has a first name?
- Julie Mott: Well actually, your baloney has about 30 names! They take odd parts from all different ones, like the leftovers, the hooves, stomach lining, ears, stuff like that. They put it into this machine to grind it all up and out comes this sheet. That's like, what you're eating now.
- Marcus Burnett: [Visibly disgusted] Y'know what, I don't eat baloney anymore. How about a pickle? Can I eat the pickle?
- Julie Mott: There's a lot of salt in it, but yeah, it's fine. I mean, it is a vegetable.
- Marcus Burnett: A lot of salt in the pickle? Ok, let me rinse it off.
- [Dips it into his glass of Coke]
- Marcus Burnett: There we go.
- [Takes a bite]
- Marcus Burnett: How's that? I don't even taste the salt now!
- Marcus Burnett: [while pursuing Fouchet, who is up ahead in a roadster] You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can, and will be used against you in a court of law.
- Mike Lowrey: Yo man, what the fuck are you doing?
- Marcus Burnett: Getting it out the way.
- Marcus Burnett: [driving the "ice-cream truck"] What am I smellin'?
- Mike Lowrey: Just drive!
- Marcus Burnett: What am I smellin'?
- Julie Mott: [Sees barrels of ether hanging in the back of the van. Reads the label] Ether. Extremely... flammable... ether. Oh shit!
- Mike Lowrey: God-damn...
- Marcus Burnett: Oh, you-you-you-you da man. Oh you're the fuckin' man tonight! You go and pick an ice-cream truck that's a damn bomb!
- Mike Lowrey: Hey, hey, what's this having-a-picnic shit in my car?
- Marcus Burnett: Look man, I ain't getting my sex at home, OK? Don't deny me this.
- Mike Lowrey: What are you talking about, man? You sleep with a beautiful woman everyday.
- Marcus Burnett: I'm married. That's what married means. It means you sleep together, but you can't get none.
- Mike Lowrey: Marcus, I just have one question for ya bro. How the hell you gonna leave my ass at a gun fight to go get the car!
- Ferguson: [as Julie reaches into her bra for a hidden handcuff key] What you got an itch? I'd love to scratch it.
- Julie Mott: [gives Ferguson the finger] Scratch this, okay?
- Ferguson: Yeah I'll scratch anything you want to you blue-eyed bitch.
- Julie Mott: Did you go to college?
- Marcus Burnett: [to Fletch] If you don't sit your lanky ass down right now, bottom-line, I will knock you the fuck out.
- Mike Lowrey: I don't know why you going home to your wife. You got shot in the leg, your dick probably don't even work.
- Mike Lowrey: You know what man? I'm so sick of this bullshit. What, I'm supposed to APOLOGIZE for my family leaving me money? All I EVER wanted to be was a cop. I go out there and take it to the max everyday. I'm the first guy through the door and I'm always the last one to leave the crime scene. So you know what? Fuck you, and fuck them, and fuck EVERYBODY that's got a problem with Mike Lowrey.
- Marcus Burnett: I love you, man.
- Mike Lowrey: Fuck you Marcus.
- Marcus Burnett: I do. You're cool. You're my boy.
- Mike Lowrey: Shut up, shut up Marcus. Slow-ass driver. Drivin' like a bitch. Slow-ass.
- Marcus Burnett: Why I gotta be all that? I'll take you and me off this fuckin' cliff if you keep fuckin' with me. Then it'll be what, two bitches in the sea. Huh, is that it? Is that what you want?
- Mike Lowrey: Shut up, Marcus.
- Marcus Burnett: My wife knows I ain't no bitch. I'm a bad boy.
- Julie Mott: Can I help you?
- Theresa Burnett: Yes, I'm here to kill my husband, Marcus Burnett.
- Julie Mott: Uh-huh, and that'd be the tall one or the short one?
- Theresa Burnett: The short one.
- Julie Mott: I thought so.
- Marcus Burnett: What are our chances?
- Mike Lowrey: Remember Club Hell?
- Marcus Burnett: Yeah.
- Mike Lowrey: Worse.
- Julie Mott: So... this is a stakeout. Not what I imagined. Thought there'd be more... conversation.
- Marcus Burnett: Sorry it's not up to your... usual high standards.
- Julie Mott: Is he always like this on a stakeout? I mean, what is it? Too much caffeine? Not enough sex?
- Marcus Burnett: Hey.
- Mike Lowrey: Ooh, ooh. I can't believe she went there on you. You don't know who you talking to? That's Mike Lowrey over there. King Ding-a-Ling. Go ahead, why don't you whip it out for her, big boy?
- Mike Lowrey: [on Captain Howard and Captain Sinclair, having another vicious argument] They should just bone and get that shit over with.
- Marcus Burnett: Look, now I ain't no Wesley Snipes! I just hang out with stupid ass friends, that drive stupid ass cars, that attract a lot of mother fuckin' attention!
- Mike Lowrey: You know what, I need to jump over this car and smack you in your peasy ass head that's what I need to do.
- Marcus Burnett: Well, you know what you're arguin' over a mother fuckin' french fry.
- Mike Lowrey: It's not about the french fry, it's about your lack of respect for other people's property!
- White Carjacker: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
- Black Carjacker: Shut the fuck up!
- Marcus Burnett: [to Black Carjacker] Hold the fuck on!
- [to Mike]
- Marcus Burnett: You want some bad enough, come get some!
- Marcus Burnett: [suddenly throws coke in the Black Carjacker's face and kicks him in the crotch, while Mike punches the White Carjacker in the face]
- Marcus Burnett: [Pointing gun at the Black Carjacker, who is on the ground] You like that shit? Wesley Snipes, Passenger 57! Now gimme a mother fuckin' handy wipe!
- Mike Lowrey: [Pointing gun at the White Carjacker, who is on the ground] Now let's hear one of those jokes, bitch.
- Mike Lowrey: Please, man. Married life is easy. You only got one woman to satisfy.
- Marcus Burnett: Yo, man, we ain't the Cosbys.
- Marcus Burnett: You better do something quick, 'cause we're running out of road.
- Mike Lowrey: Who picked this dumb-ass road? On the goddamn road in Miami, *you* run out of it!
- Marcus Burnett: You better come up with an idea fast!
- Mike Lowrey: Why I gotta come up with all the ideas?
- Marcus Burnett: [after the Fouchet thug tries to shoot the gun nothing happens and Marcus slams him into a urinal] Next time, learn to work the safety with your punk-ass.
- Mike Lowrey: [after Marcus outruns Fochet at the airport] Now that's how you s'pose to drive. From now on, that's how you drive!
- Mike Lowrey: What the hell are you doin'?
- Marcus Burnett: Keepin' my shit quick.
- Mike Lowrey: Oh, I see. You aren't gettin any at home, so you got a lot of extra energy. Go ahead, burn it off.
- Store Clerk: [pointing gun at Mike] I blow you!
- [points gun at Marcus]
- Store Clerk: And I blow you!
- Marcus Burnett: Blow me? What the fuck? Naw, naw.
- [Casper answers the ringing cell phone]
- Casper: Hello.
- Mike Lowrey: Yeah, can I speak to Romeo?
- Casper: No, there ain't no Romeo here, asshole.
- [Ferguson laughs]
- Casper: [to Ferguson] What the fuck are you laughing at?
- Marcus Burnett: [to Sanchez and Ruiz] Where were y'all last night?
- Mike Lowrey: Yeah, why don't you just tell your cousins to bring the shit back?
- Detective Sanchez: Yeah we tried to, but you know what? We came up with a problem... your mama snorted it up!
- Marcus Burnett: Man, that Budweiser. It felt like I had a million of 'em.
- [Then sees one of Fouchets' men come in]
- Marcus Burnett: Wassup, motherfucker?
- Marcus Burnett: [to Mike, after a massive explosion] Well... should I add this to your body count? There goes our only lead to the dope. Ain't this a bitch?
- Julie Mott: The dope? The do... what are you talking about? How about "there goes our only lead to Max's killer"? I mean, he's still out there. Oh, but, I mean, that's not really important, 'cause it's not like it's your job to protect people. Holy shit.
- Marcus Burnett: You see what I'm saying? She's crazy!
- Julie Mott: I'm crazy?
- Julie Mott: Hey, listen, are there any other, you know, totally hysterical, half-naked women popping by tonight that I should know about?
- Mike Lowrey: She was naked?
- Marcus Burnett: Titties were out a little bit.
- Mike Lowrey: You threw Yvette out naked? Okay. You... you're something. Okay. My wife would hate... she hates womanizers. I don't believe... you see, you... you see... something wrong with you. You don't respect other people's shit, that's your problem. I've been telling you that for years.
- Marcus Burnett: Do you see the fuckin' emotion I'm goin' through right now? That means this shit is serious. That means me and this motherfucker's not vibin' right now. That's what that shit means.
- Mike Lowrey: [Holding Jojo at gunpoint] Hey Jojo, I got 16 bullets in this gun and I swear I'll fill up your brain with some hot shit if you don't give me any answers.
- Jojo: What? You're pulling a gun on me? I can't believe this. I should turn you guys into Hard Copy. Put your ass on the TV set.
- Marcus Burnett: Mike, no. He's a smokin' ass motherfucker.
- Mike Lowrey: [Takes out his other gun and points it at Marcus] You want some of this? I'll bust your ass too.
- Marcus Burnett: So sad. You're on your own, Jojo. Remember this, you splatter his ass, he's no good to us.
- Marcus Burnett: Naw man, naw. There's too much bass in your voice. That scares white folks. You got to sound like them.
- [In high pitched voice]
- Marcus Burnett: We were wondering if we could borrow some brown sugar?
- Chet the Doorman: [to Marcus showing up unannounced at Mike's apartment building, after seeing Julie waiting outside] how are you? Long time no see, Mr. Lowery's not here, he's out, who's the chick? How's your wife?
- Detective Sanchez: It was Carrera's drugs in the first place, right? But it couldn't have been him, 'cause he was killed in prison. What about the rest of his crew?
- Captain Howard: The rest of those idiots don't have the precision to do this. But just in case I'm wrong, you guys check them out.
- Mike Lowrey: Yeah, they'd have been in here with Uzis, splashing O'Fee all over the place.
- Captain Howard: It takes a lot of brains to pull something like this off.
- Detective Ruiz: Big cajones, too.
- Mike Lowrey: What the hell are you talking about, cajones?
- Detective Ruiz: Cajones. It would take me a month to explain to you what cajones are.
- Detective Sanchez: [arguing over each other] You're in Miami, you don't know cajones?
- Marcus Burnett: English.
- Captain Howard: O'Fee's gonna be all right, but he's got nothing to tell us.
- Marcus Burnett: So they kill a decoy, it empties the station. Very smart.
- Mike Lowrey: But they don't kill a real cop, 'cause they know they'd have the whole force on their ass.
- Captain Howard: This was your case. You're back on it. Sanchez, Ruiz, you back them up with whatever they need.
- Mike Lowrey: Can we help you?
- Julie Mott: Hey, I... I staked out all night in the back of that jalopy, too. You know, I think I earned a peek.
- Mike Lowrey: Hey. Hey, this is real cop stuff, okay? This is not "Charlie's Angels".
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