Ed O'Neill credited as playing...
Kevin O'Shea
- Butz: [spying on the Giants] This is incredible! They got the guards in the backfield! The center's on the right! And the quarterback isn't even there!
- Kevin O'Shea: They're just standing around, Butz.
- Butz: Oh, yeah.
- Mike Hammersmith: What's that cheerleader doing with a helmet on?
- Kevin O'Shea: That's no cheerleader, that's my niece Becky. She's pissed.
- Danny O'Shea: [Keven and Danny are racing to claim the new player] This whole town may love you, but I'm the only one who knows how truly sick you are!
- Kevin O'Shea: I treated you like a prince!
- Danny O'Shea: You ignored me!
- Kevin O'Shea: I took you to see the Cleveland Indians!
- Danny O'Shea: You left me at the stadium!
- Kevin O'Shea: Peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Are you nuts?
- Rudy Zolteck: It's still good!
- Kevin O'Shea: You'll never get anywhere treating your helmet like a lunchbox son? What is that?
- Butz: Cheetos.
- Kevin O'Shea: Crunchy or puffed?
- Butz: Puffed.
- Kevin O'Shea: Wimp!
- [Butz confiscates the food and walks off]
- Rudy Zolteck: My mom made that!
- [kids are running at try outs]
- Rudy Zolteck: How'd I do, coach?
- Kevin O'Shea: I don't know son. I don't have a sundial.
- [saying grace]
- Priscilla: God bless family, friends, flowers, Nickelodeon, fuzzy little kittens, Pez, Mr. Lerenzo, the school janitor 'cause he's so hairy.
- Kevin O'Shea: He's an unfortunate man Priscilla.
- Kevin O'Shea: [Spike has gotten the Cowboys penalized for a personal foul on the Little Giants] Hammersmith, if that kid of yours pulls another stunt like that again, you are both out of here.
- Mike Hammersmith: Hey, come on! I thought you wanted to win!
- Kevin O'Shea: Not like that.
- Kevin O'Shea: Peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Are you nuts?
- Rudy Zolteck: [takes a bite] It's still good.
- Kevin O'Shea: You'll never get anywhere treating your helmet like a lunchbox, son.
- Briggs: Ready! Set! Go!
- [Kevin takes off in a charging sprint toward a couch cushion, held by Karen]
- Karen O'Shea: Kevin! Aah!
- [Karen lets go of the cushion and Kevin goes flying out the window, landing crotch first on a tree limb]
- Kevin O'Shea: Oh! Doctor!
- [in pain, he tilts and falls into their pool]
- Karen O'Shea: Kevin, this is pee wee football. It's supposed to be fun.
- Kevin O'Shea: Not fun anymore. See, all the fun is gone now. See now, it's war!