- Pat Riley: Howdy, Tippy!
- Tippy: Oh... oh Pat... what do you want?
- Pat Riley: Well I just thought I'd stop by and pick up a few personal items.
- Tippy: Oh no no no, please, remember? No, I don't want to know anything about your... your sex life, okay?
- Pat Riley: I just want to get a few toiletries. Uh, first of all, I need some protection...
- Tippy: Oh dear God, okay, all right.
- Pat Riley: ...from underarm wetness. I'm never one to offend!
- Tippy: 2.50 then, all right, and you're out...
- Pat Riley: What am I, in a race? Whoa!
- Tippy: Well, kind of, uh...
- Pat Riley: And I need a lubricant...
- Tippy: What?
- Pat Riley: ...for my eyes. They're drying up due to the pollen and dust in the air.
- Tippy: Oh great, help me, somebody please help me!
- Pat Riley: And I need some feminine napkins...
- Tippy: Oh, I'm in hell... I am in hell now!
- Pat Riley: You never know when Aunt Wilma's gonna stop by for lunch!
- Pat Riley: So... did I tell you I'm unemployed?
- Kathy Griffin: Yea, uh, about 400 times.
- Pat Riley: Say, do you think you could make an announcement about it at the radio station?
- Kathy Griffin: Absolutely not.
- Pat Riley: Ok, well think about it, but when you do make the announcement let me know. I want to tell my friends to tune in. They don't listen to your show normally.
- Kyle Jacobs: [after reading Pat's diary] That's it. Th-th-th-that's all? The most intimate record of... every detail about Pat's life and not a single clue about Pat's sex? Why? Why, that's so unfair!