Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)

Courteney Cox: Melissa

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Quotes 

• Melissa : You know, you're just mad because your stupid little pebble theory didn't work out and you don't know how to express your anger.

  Ace Ventura : Yeah? And you're ugly.

• Melissa : Hi, I'm Melissa Robinson.

  Ace Ventura : Pleasure to meet you.

  Melissa : Did you have any trouble getting in?

  Ace Ventura : No, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle.

• Melissa : That was pretty impressive, what you did at the apartment.

  Ace Ventura : You don't have to tell me. I was there.

• Melissa : [in her office, she is showing Ace a video of the halftime routine performed by their missing mascot, Snowflake. She sees Ace chewing on either birdseeds or sunflower seeds, and spreading the leftovers in a neat pile on her desk]  Would you like an ashtray?

  Ace Ventura : Hmm-mmm. I don't smoke. It's a disgusting habit.

• Melissa : I swear if you do anything to embarrass me in front of Camp...

  Ace Ventura : What? Like this?

  [makes weird noises, doorman answers the door] 

  Ace Ventura : Aye, Captain Stubing. How are Gopher and Doc? Permission to come aboard, sir!

• Melissa : Ace, get out of the tank.

  Ace Ventura : [talking like Scotty from Star Trek]  I just can't do it, Captain. I don't have the power.

  Melissa : I said, get out of the tank now!

  Ace Ventura : For God's sake, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a pool man!

• Lois Einhorn : [after she finishes wrestling with Ace, to the surrounding police officers]  Shoot him! Shoot him!

  Emilio : [offscreen]  Hold your fire!

  [walks in with Melissa, gun to his head] 

  Emilio : Don't shoot!

  Melissa : Put your guns down or this cop gets it. I mean it!

  [cocks revolver] 

  Emilio : She's not joking!

  Lois Einhorn : [ignoring them]  He kidnapped Snowflake! He killed Roger Podator and was just about to kill Dan Marino and me!

  Ace Ventura : Ho ho ho Hooooooooooooo! Fiction can be fun, but I find the reference section much more enlightening. For instance, if you were to look up professional football's "All Time Bonehead Plays," you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed the 26 yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XVII.

  [takes deep breath] 

  Ace Ventura : What you wouldn't read about is how Ray Finkle lost his mind, was committed to a mental hospital only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker manipulating his way to the top of a diabolical scheme to get even with Dan Marino whom he blamed the entire thing!

  [takes another deep, relief breath] 

  Aguado : What the hell are you talking about?

  Ace Ventura : SHE'S NOT LOIS EINHORN!, She's Ray Finkle, she's a man.

  Lois Einhorn : He's lying. SHOOT HIIIIMMM!

• Ronald Camp : Who is he, a friend?

  Melissa : No, this is my date. He's a lawyer.

  Ronald Camp : Well, does he have a name, or should I call him "lawyer?"

  Melissa : No, this is Ace... um, Tom Ace.

  Ace Ventura : Tom Ace. Pleasure to meet you, Sir, and may I congratulate you on all your success... you smell TERRIFIC! I was just telling Melissa that one of the first things we learned back at... Stanford Law... was the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims against wealthy, private homeowners. In fact, if one were so inclined, one could make quite a lucrative law practice on little else. How is everyone feeling tonight?

  Ronald Camp : [nervously]  Very, very well, thank you.

• Riddle : [angry]  How in the hell do you lose a five hundred pound fish?

  [Melissa wants to say something] 

  Riddle : What?

  Melissa : I'm sorry sir, I was just going to say, that it's not a fish, it's a mammal.

  Riddle : Thank you, Miss Jacques Cousteau.

• Melissa : Ace, Where are you?

  Ace Ventura : I'm in Psychoville and Finkle's the Mayor.

• Melissa : You really love animals, don't you?

  Ace Ventura : If it gets cold enough.

• Melissa : Have you ever heard of FAN?

  Ace Ventura : Free Animals Now. Started in 1982, by Chelsea Gamble, daughter of the famous industrialist Fisher Gamble. Over half a million members from Florida to Finland. No. Who are they?

• [Melissa and Ace are reading news clippings about Ray Finkle] 

  Melissa : "Replacement Kicker Having a Great Year." "Ready For Super Bowl, All-Star Kicker Boasts."

  Ace Ventura : "Field Goal Sails Wide. Dolphins Lose Super Bowl."

  Melissa : The "Kick Heard Round The World." That was Finkle. The Dolphins lost by one point.

  [Ace lets out an impressed whistle. Melissa flips to the next clipping, with a headline that reads "Finkle Contract Not Renewed."] 

  Melissa : Poor guy.

  Ace Ventura : Poor guy with a motive, baby.

• [Melissa is pretending to be Ace's sister to check him into a mental hospital] 

  Doctor : Has he always had a history of mental illness?

  Melissa : [truthfully]  For as long as I've known him.

• Melissa : Ace?

  Ace Ventura : [holds the phone away from his mouth and waits a second]  Thought I left, didn't ya?

  Melissa : [laughs] 

  Ace Ventura : Ok, I'm really gonna go this time.

• Melissa : You know what? I'm not even going to talk to you. Would you please leave.

  Ace Ventura : Why? So you can beat him?

  [talking about Melissa's dog] 

  Ace Ventura : Fatty.

  Melissa : You're unbelievable. Hiring you was the biggest mistake I ever made.

  Ace Ventura : Well, why don't you cry about it. Saddlebags.

• Ace Ventura : Where's Dan Marino?

  Melissa : Marino, why?

  Ace Ventura : Because he's about to join Snowflake. I've got to know where he is.

• Ronald Camp : [about his fish collection]  They're wonderful, aren't they?

  Melissa : Yes, they certainly are.

  Ronald Camp : No matter what's going on in my life, I can always watch them swim and be totally at peace.

• Melissa : Why did it have to happen now, two weeks before the Superbowl?