David Krumholtz: Joel Glicker

Addams Family Values

Joel Glicker

Joel: Wednesday, do you think that maybe someday you might want to get married and have kids?
Wednesday: No.
Joel: But what if you met the right man, who worshipped and adored you? Who'd do anything for you? Who'd be your devoted slave? Then what would you do?
Wednesday: I'd pity him.

Joel: [Wednesday catches Debbie's wedding bouquet] Now you have to get married.
Wednesday: It's not binding.
Cousin Ophelia: Tramp.

Joel: [to Wednesday and Pugsley] Look at this. I got 'em. "Schizos and Serial Killers". I have almost the whole series. I'm only missing Jack the Ripper and that Zodiac Guy.

Wednesday: Hurry up!
Pugsley: I'm coming.
Joel: Wait!
Wednesday: Who's there?
Joel: Be careful. Tetanus.
[siren sounds]
Amanda: [walking toward Wednesday, Pugsley and Joel with Gary, Becky and Camp Children] There they are! I saw them sneak out.
Gary: Children, what do you think you're doing?
Wednesday: We have to see our family. It's very important.
Becky: More important than a summer of fun? More important than making new friends? More important than sharing?
Gary: And Joel Glicker. I'm surprised at you.
Joel: I-I have to get out of here. I have allergies.
Becky: [mockingly] Oh, you're allergic? To sunshine and archery and crafts?
Joel: Yes.
Amanda: I think they should be punished.
[starts chanting]
Amanda: Punish!
Camp Children: [chanting along with Amanda] Punish! Punish! Punish! Punish! Punish! Punish!
Becky: No! No! We are *not* here to punish. We are here to inspire.
Gary: Campers? Do you know what I think our little ninja friends here need? Do you know what just might turn their sad and potentially wasted little lives right all around?
Joel: What?
Camp Children: [singing in unison with Gary, Becky, and Amanda] Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya. Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya. Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya. Oh Lord, kumbaya.

Wednesday: Do you believe in the existence of evil?
Joel: Well, did you met my mom?
Wednesday: My uncle Fester's about to get married to this woman in a white uniform.
Joel: A radiologist.
Wednesday: A nanny

[last lines]
Joel: Poor Debbie. She was sick.
Wednesday: She wasn't sick. She was sloppy.
Joel: What do you mean?
Wednesday: If I wanted to kill my husband, I'd do it, and I wouldn't get caught.
Joel: How?
Wednesday: I'd scare him to death.
Joel: No, you wouldn't.
[kneels at Debbie's grave]
Joel: We're all very sorry, Debbie. We wish you only the best.
[reaches out to put flowers on the grave; a hand reaches up and grabs him. He screams while Wednesday smiles]

Wednesday: What are you in for?
Joel: I wouldn't go horseback riding.
Wednesday: That's all?
Joel: And I wouldn't make a bird house.
Wednesday: Why not?
Joel: I just wanted to read.
Gary: [Pops in and takes Joel's book] Not on my time, four-eyes. Ha ha ha ha ha!