Soapdish (1991)

Whoopi Goldberg: Rose Schwartz

Photos 

Quotes 

• Rose Schwartz : Actors don't like to play coma. They feel it limits their range.

• Montana Moorehead : [as Lori, Celeste, And Jeffrey kiss and make up]  WAIT! Wait! But I'm carrying his child!

  Jeffrey Anderson : [annoyed]  I didn't sleep with her! Will somebody please believe me!

  [Ariel and Rose enter as doctors] 

  Jeffrey Anderson : Doctor!

  Ariel Maloney : A second opinion...

  [Celeste mouths to Rose asking what she's doing] 

  Ariel Maloney : ...this is Dr. Frans Blau of the sex change clinic in Bethesda, Maryland.

  Rose Schwartz : Thank you. Dr. Randall, after extensive investigations, I've come to the conclusion that it's virtually impossible for you to have impregnated your nurse - Montana Moorehead - because before she came to our little clinic, she was... Milton Moorehead of Syosset, Long Island. Hello!

  [Rose opens the high school yearbook showing Montana's teenage boy photo] 

  Montana Moorehead : [shouts and runs off]  NO! NO! NO!

• Rose Schwartz : The guy was killed in an auto accident! I looked it up! He was driving in the Yukon, in a pink convertible, to visit his brother who's an ex-con named Frances, when a tractor trailer comes along and decapitates him. You know what that mean, it means he doesn't have a head. How am I suppose to write for a guy who doesn't have a head? He's got no lips, no vocal cords. What do you want me to do?

  David Barnes : They froze the head. They put it on ice. They put it back on in a precedent setting two-day operation. You know, its like, would you use your imagination.

  Rose Schwartz : He doesn't have a head!

• David Barnes : I was under orders.

  Celeste Talbert : So - was - Hitler! Oh, no, I don't mean Hitler, I mean the other guy, the other one.

  David Barnes : Himmler.

  Celeste Talbert : No, no, no.

  David Barnes : Hess.

  Rose Schwartz : Eichmann.

  David Barnes : Eichmann.

  Celeste Talbert : Eichmann! Thank you. Eichmann!

  [points at David] 

  Celeste Talbert : That's you.

• Edmund Edwards : She's been through hell, and we're her family. So in this crisis, we have to support her.

  Rose Schwartz : Yeah.

  Edmund Edwards : We have to love her.

  Rose Schwartz : Mmm.

  Edmund Edwards : We have to care about her.

  Rose Schwartz : Mmm.

  Edmund Edwards : And we have to milk it for every drop of publicity we can get.

• Rose Schwartz : You know, I'd think you were acting, but you've never been this good.

• Rose Schwartz : I'm looking at crawdad butts, cover 'em up!

• Rose Schwartz : I could write you out for six months. You could take a sabbatical. Six months you'd be gone. We'll just say that Maggie went to Tibet to visit with the Dalai Lama. Like a spiritual thing.

  Celeste Talbert : I thought the Dalai Lama moved to LA?

  Rose Schwartz : Well, then some other Lama. It doesn't matter. Fernando Lamas.

• Nitwit Executive : Ariel should be raped by Father Cory.

  Nitwit Executive : I think the Contessa should be kidnapped by some colored guy.

  Rose Schwartz : Colored guy?

• Rose Schwartz : What I want you to help me understand is making Celeste - Montana's mother. Now, did Celeste have her when she was five? Six? Seven? When?