- Simon Holmes: Sometimes I wish we collected stamps for fun, instead of battling the forces of weirdness.
- Marshall Teller: [intro voiceover for the first season shows] My name is Marshall Teller. I knew my new home town was going to be different from where I grew up in New Jersey, but this is ridiculous. Nobody believes me, but Eerie, Indiana is the center of weirdness for the entire planet. Item - Elvis lives on my paper route.
- Old Elvis: [picking up newspaper in his bath robe] Thank you, little paper boy.
- Marshall Teller: Item - Bigfoot eats out of my trash. Item - even man's best friend is weird.
- [a dog is jumping around in circles]
- Marshall Teller: Still don't believe me? You will.