- Penn: We believe violence is exciting in entertainment. In America we have the First Amendment; there are no censors. But there are anti-violence censorship letter-writers. They want to make sure you'll never see anything that they wouldn't want to see. They say that if we had nothing on TV but shows like thirtysomething and Growing Pains all the world problems would be worked out in an adult, peaceful manner. They don't understand EVERYTHING's fake on TV. Homer Simpson doesn't work in a nuclear power plant! Homer Simpson is just an actor!
- Penn: We needed a weapon. They said no guns. They said no sharp objects. They said no blunt objects. So we came up with a compromise: these are marshamallows.
- [After cutting a ribbon and making it whole]
- Jane Curtin: Penn & Teller hated that trick. They said what the hell does Grandma Curtin know about magic. If I was on their show they told me I'd have to do a Penn & Teller trick. So they came up with "The Infected Ear." It wasn't my fault. It was designed by Penn & Teller and I'm not even responsible for the words I'll be saying while I'm doing it. From here on in, I'm just an actor reading my lines off cue cards like Homer Simpson. It's just a gig.