Diggin' Up Business (1990)

Jason Logan: Desmond

Quotes 

• Tesia Papadapacropolis : Now you're gonna be the gentleman, huh? How's it going?

  Mrs. Shlumsky : He's a MEANii!

  Albert : That is good work and everything, but do you think you should be displaying him in the lobby like that?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Albert!

  Albert : Tesia! He woke!

  Desmond : Miss Tesia Papadapacropolis? I'm Struther Desmond, from MEANii.

  Albert : MEANii?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Morticians and Embalmers Allied National Organisation.

  Desmond : MEANii.

  Albert : Shouldn't that be MEANO?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : That would be silly.

  Desmond : Do you have a moment?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Yes. Sorry, the office is being painted.

  Desmond : This will do just fine. Now, as you can see, the discrepancies are quite clear.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Perhaps it would be better if you came back when Granddad was here.

  Desmond : My visit is merely a courtesy call. The internal audit is scheduled for the thirteenth. Four working days from today.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Well, that's impossible. I mean, well, Granddad won't even be back until the sixteenth.

  Desmond : Oh it's very possible, Miss Papadapacropolis. In fact, that's the way it is. And MEANii is under no legal obligation to alert you as to a probe of management. We do this as a professional service.

  Albert : Tell you what, can't you at least give her a hint as to the nature of this discrepancy?

  Desmond : Certainly not! That's for us to know and for you to find out.

  Albert : Well, your maturity is certainly appreciated.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Tesia, Honey. Trouble with Mona again.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : How about an extension? Just until Granddad gets back. I'm sure he can clear whatever the problem is up.

  Desmond : I'm sorry, Miss Papadapacropolis. That's the best I can do. Good day.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Actually, he's a cute little trick.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Mrs Shtumpsky, Mona, where is she?

  Mrs. Shlumsky : In the Suite By-and-By.

• Mrs. Shlumsky : What the H.E. double toothpicks are you talking about?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Alright Mrs Shtumpsky, the gig is up. We know about the extra bodies.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Huh?

  Albert : Look, don't toy with her.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : That's right. I've covered for you and Granddad long enough. Spill it, you old fool!

  Mrs. Shlumsky : What's your problem?

  Desmond : Officers, if I may be of assistance. Apparently this mortuary has been disposing of more dearly departed than it can account for.

  Don : I'm no party to this, I swear.

  Albert : Wait a minute, you knew about all of this?

  Desmond : Of course.

  Albert : Well then what's with "Give me the March, where's the April"?

  Desmond : MEANii provides proper procedures in perpetuity.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Mmm, alliteration.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Don't try and backtrack now, Mrs Shtumpsky. You're caught.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : You're all going mental.

  Desmond : I have all the evidence required for a full-scale investigation. More than two-thirds of your clients were never declared deceased persons. Most had only one name. For example, July nineteen, Montgomery, male. No death certificate was ever issued.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : So what do you say to that, huh?

  Hope : Wait a minute. What are you people talking about? Montgomery was a Persian.

  Don : Murderers! Racists!

  Crosby : No, not at all. We don't care about race, creed or pedigree.

  Hope : That's right. We bury animals from all walks of life.

  Desmond : Animals? Well, of course animals don't come under MEANii's jurisdiction. Wait a minute. This is no pet cemetery. All these burials were in areas set aside for people.

  Crosby : Where do you think they're coming from? Don't you remember what Shirley Mack said? We are all equal souls whatever incarnation.

  Albert : Wait a minute. You guys hid those bills?

  Hope : We figured if they didn't exist, then the deaths wouldn't either.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Existential thinking.

  Desmond : I am at a loss. Animals are a whole different ball of fur. I declare the Papadapacropolis audit officially over.

  Rossoti : Anyway, we got our man.

  [looks around for Coats, who has quietly slipped away] 

  Rossoti : Phelps? Phelps! Phelps!

  Don : [Tesia and Albert embrace]  Now stop that.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Can't wait to tell Granddad. He's gonna die when he hears about this!

  Albert : I think he already has.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : What?