- Maurice: Baseball cards? I LOVE baseball cards! -Got 'em, got 'em, need 'em got 'em, got 'em got 'em, need 'em, got 'em, need 'em, need 'em, got 'em, need 'em, need 'em got 'em, got 'em need 'em!
- Maurice: You got your stupid remote control back. Now how about lighting a candle or something? These lights are painful.
- Brian Stevenson: [studies remote] Hey, what about the batteries?
- Maurice: I ate 'em for breakfast. I'd give 'em to ya right now but double A battries constipate me, ok? How bout a little later?
- Brian Stevenson: That's gross.
- Brian Stevenson: We're in somebody elses house!
- Maurice: No! Duh! Well, where did you park your squad car, Dick Tracy?
- Maurice: Hey, dude. Come here bud. You don't know it yet, but tonight is your lucky night.
- Brian Stevenson: What do you mean?
- Maurice: I mean...
- Brian Stevenson: I know, you're going to grant me three wishes, right?
- Maurice: Wishes? Wishes? Wishes are bush-league leprechaun, pal. I'm a monster, okay. Listen to this. I'm a monster and monsters don't do wishes.
- Brian Stevenson: Then what do monsters do?
- Maurice: Good question. I have the time of my life.
- Brian Stevenson: Dad! A MONS... ter.
- Glen Stevenson: What are you doing Brian? What the hell is going on? Look at this mess.
- [Lifts his foot]
- Glen Stevenson: What the hell am I stepping in? Doritos? Jesus...!
- Brian Stevenson: I'll clean it up.
- Glen Stevenson: You're damn right you will! Now get back in that bed Mr!
- Brian Stevenson: Wait, Dad there was a *monster* here. You've *gotta* believe me!
- Glen Stevenson: Brian, it's a pile of clothes! You're wrestling a pile of clothes!
- [Brian smiles softly]
- Glen Stevenson: What's so funny?
- [Brian looks at his dad and his smile instantly fades]
- monster: Trick or treat, smell my feet!
- Brian Stevenson: My bike! You ran over it!
- Glen Stevenson: [Madly] My car! Whose fault is this, Brian?
- Brian Stevenson: Uh uh, no way, I parked it right over right there!
- Glen Stevenson: Oh, right, right, so before I got in the car, I went around and put it in there myself? Forget it, Charlie! First, my shirt, now this! I'm 15 minutes late here!
- Brian Stevenson: Well, what do you expect me to do with my bike?
- [Picks up the wheel then drops it back down]
- Brian Stevenson: Look, it's destroyed!
- Glen Stevenson: Well, you're gonna have to learn to ride it like that! You're grounded for 2 weeks. No TV for 3, and you can forget about your allowance until that car is paid up.
- Holly Stevenson: Glen, isn't that a little rough?
- Glen Stevenson: Holly, don't make me the villain here!
- Glen Stevenson: Whatever you watched on TV last night was worth your allowance of 2 weeks of TV.
- Brian Stevenson: Huh?
- Glen Stevenson: [Sarcastically] Huh?
- Holly Stevenson: We found the sandwich, Brian.
- Brian Stevenson: [Acting cordially] What sandwich?
- Holly Stevenson: Brian Arthur Stevenson, you're the only person in this family who eats peanut butter and onion sandwiches.
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