- Sir Mortimer Chris: You can't show you're resolute without showing you are strong. And you can't show you're strong without blowing people up.
- William Kubert (US Defense Secretary): I guess we just sit tight now and pray he doesn't do anything rash.
- President Barbara Adams: ...The man just held a public crucifixion at Wembley Stadium!
- William Kubert (US Defense Secretary): Well, he certainly has moved to the right politically.
- Duncan: [collecting the heads of slaughtered SAS people] Hey, Denzel's had his haircut.
- Specialist Catering Commander: Oh, yeah.
- Sir Mortimer Chris: Santa Maya must be liberated by any means necessary. Even diplomacy if it should come to it.
- President Barbara Adams: So Mr. President - how's life?
- Jack 'Kill the Commies' Preston: Oh... still serving it!
- President Barbara Adams: [laughs] Umm, Mister President; I don't know if they let you see newspapers here, but we've been having some problems down in the Caribbean.
- Jack 'Kill the Commies' Preston: I heard about that - sure.
- President Barbara Adams: Up till now our support from Mosquera has been ironclad.
- Jack 'Kill the Commies' Preston: Oh, he eats commies for breakfast, right?
- President Barbara Adams: At the same time, Britain is our oldest ally in the world.
- Jack 'Kill the Commies' Preston: Sure, sure. Listen - in my estimation, this is a whole dish of worms that could squeal antsy in the long ticket. We need to hump out wide and hype up the squeak bag before they screw down the jam box.
- President Barbara Adams: [stunned] ... excuse me?
- Jack 'Kill the Commies' Preston: Always fox the grease monkeys - they won't tango till you crack down the fish pot. You can't risk hell shit with a buncha LULU PINKSUCKERS!
- President Barbara Adams: So, to give our support to be Britain would be entirely...
- Jack 'Kill the Commies' Preston: ...the only solution.
- President Barbara Adams: ...the only solution. Right.
- Jack 'Kill the Commies' Preston: You see, you can't empty your dish pan till the heat's off the mugwumps. Always take down the gizmo and caveat the cranker before...
- President Barbara Adams: Mr. President, it's... been an education.
- Jack 'Kill the Commies' Preston: A pleasure, madam.
- Sir Mortimer Chris: We in this Conservative government have always believed that it's totally immoral to waste billions of pounds on nuclear bombs that are never used!
- President Barbara Adams: Our support for Sir Mortimer Chris remains unequivocal. When the Prime Minister talks of uh... "pixies", he is clearly using the term in a metaphorical sense to denote disruptive elements within British industry.
- White House reporter: How do you explain the fact that he has just set up an Anti-Goblin unit to "bait them with gingerbread traps"?
- [uneasy pause]
- President Barbara Adams: I think that's enough questions for today, gentlemen!
- [Chris has unveiled the nuclear defenses]
- Sir Mortimer Chris: Brilliant. And they only cost a pound.
- Cabinet Minister: But surely... it's just an umbrella?
- [cut to minister being crucified]
- President Barbara Adams: Where is the sanity in vaporizing millions of totally innocent people?
- Sir Mortimer Chris: Well it shut Japan up, didn't it!
- Dan Hickey: Shrewd, honest, intelligent, moral; Adams overcame all these faults to become President of the United States.
- President Barbara Adams: Let me see if I have this straight here: you're telling me that the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, the man who has his finger on Britain's nuclear trigger, the man to whom we have promised complete unconditional support in anything he says or does... is clinically insane?
- Secret Service agent: From what the foreign secretary has told us, and from our own intelligence, there appears to be little doubt.
- President Barbara Adams: You're telling me that the entire population of Great Britain went and elected a deranged psychotic to the highest office of the land?
- [pause]
- President Barbara Adams: Again?
- Sir Mortimer Chris: As I was personally indisposed at the hospital, the safety of the Princess was in fact in the hands of my two cabinet men, Mr. Lipman and Mr. Kubert. They are both honourable men, and in the past twenty-four hours each have handed in a written request to be publically crucified. And regrettably, I had to grant this request.
- Sir Mortimer Chris: You think that nuclear war is unthinkable, because once it starts, no-one can win. Well, you're wrong!
- Sir Mortimer Chris: Now, to another matter; the record levels of unemployment. Many say that unemployment is the result of government mismanaging and underspending. Nothing can be further from the truth. We all know the real cause of unemployment, don't we gentlemen? Unemployment, in this country, is caused by pixies.
- [after the SAS shoot-out at the wax museum]
- Specialist Catering Commander: You mean to say we lost ELEVEN men... fighting a group of waxworks? I don't fuckin' believe it!
- Specialist Catering Commander: Duncan! Post the heads to their widows. And get the addresses right this time.
- Donald: Can we bring the tiger, sir?
- Specialist Catering Commander: No, we can't bring the fucking tiger! It's more trouble than it's worth!
- [headbutts him]
- Purveyor of Rambograms: [sings] Oohhh... I have for you a message here from Mr. Lacrobat / He has sent an ultimatum just to tell you where it's at / If the British don't pull out their troops in eighty-four hours flat / Princess Wendy will be killed! / Princess Wendy will be killed, yeah / Her head with lead will be filled, yeah / Her royal blood it will be spilled, if the Brits don't shift their ass!
- Maxton S. Pluck: Now just who in the hell are you anyhow?
- Lacrobat: February's the name sir. Roderick Jesus February. Mobile suppliers of sexual requisites in the state of Florida for eight decades. Aah, a most discerning choice sir - the blow-up sheep.
- Maxton S. Pluck: ...Blow-up what?
- Gen. Mosquera: So you think you can secure for us the services of this man Lacrobat, Mister...?
- Lacrobat: Nebuchadnezzar. Harrison Hindenburg Nebuchadnezzar. Personal management of the world's leading international terrorists.
- Nigel Lipman: When exactly did you form this theory prime minister?
- Sir Mortimer Chris: To be quite honest Nigel; the pieces only started to fit together last week. I was visiting a factory in Stockport. Literally hundreds had lost their jobs, and no wonder, the place was crawling with them.
- Nigel Lipman: With pixies?
- Sir Mortimer Chris: Yes; sprites, elven folk. Which is why I am beginning this campaign.
- Nigel Lipman: I see.
- [pause]
- Nigel Lipman: What campaign?
- Sir Mortimer Chris: The stamp out evil pixies campaign! The public have to be educated on this one Nigel.
- [cut to him being interviewed]
- Sir Mortimer Chris: They're about two foot tall, and the worst ones
- [he holds up an empty jar]
- Sir Mortimer Chris: are the invisible ones!
- Nigel Lipman: He's brainwashed the entire country! He's gone stark, staring, raving...
- [Chris enters]
- Sir Mortimer Chris: Morning.
- Nigel Lipman: Morning, Prime Minister.
- Sir Mortimer Chris: Sorry I'm late, there was a nest of leprechauns in the bread bin.
- Dan Hickey: Lacrobat is the world's most wanted terrorist; he is charged with over forty acts of terrorism including three assasinations and the recipe for airline food.
- Sir Mortimer Chris: Having established the root cause of unemployment, we now need to come up with a job creation program. I have devised an idea that will create millions of new jobs within the first year of operation. Every week, five hundred working people jump off a cliff, thus creating five hundred new jobs.
- Sir Mortimer Chris: It's a little severe, but it's always the worst tasting medicine that does the most good.
- Gen. Mosquera: We need Lacrobat in order to help us regain control of Santa Maya.
- Lacrobat: I see... such a task won't come cheap.
- Gen. Mosquera: We are prepared to sell our grandmothers to pay for it.
- [cut to a vendor selling grandmothers]
- Lacrobat: Gentlemen, I think we have a deal.
- Gen. Mosquera: With this Lacrobat, Santa Maya will be mine!
- RAdm. Bendish: It has nothing to do with the fact that one of my soldiers has just been horribly castrated by a member of Britain's Royal Family. It is not even the fact that in the blind panic that followed, a pair of Liptons teabags were erroneously sewn back into the patient's scrotum, and the fact not discovered until three hours later when someone was rinsing out the teapot. *No*, gentlemen, *this* was the real coup de grace! *This* dispatch I found not ten minutes ago in the wire room.
- [quotes from paper:]
- RAdm. Bendish: "Holy chopped meat! Princess Wendy went whittling with a razor yesterday and had a ball. Yes sirree, another young soldier waved goodbye to his loved ones as her Royal Highness went crazy with a cutthroat during a routine pre-op shave on British flagship HMS Lion where she was secretly transferred..." Holy godfathers! Is there any more classified information you'd like to broadcast for the world? You are a liability to every man and woman in this fleet! And I'm having you put off this ship at the next island we come to!
- Sir Mortimer Chris: [Showing off steel hook replacement for hand] What do you think? Had it done by microsurgery. British medicine's the finest in the world.
- Dan Hickey (TV anchorman): A woman who secured a lock of Frank Sinatra's hair in 1955, has today sold it back to him for an undisclosed sum.
- Virgil Grodd (American Intelligence): As I comprehend it, you want me to eliminate the Prime Minister of...
- President Barbara Adams: Mr. Grodd, I as President of the United States have no knowledge whatsoever of whatever it is I've called you in to do.
- Virgil Grodd (American Intelligence): Naturally madam, I fully understand.
- President Barbara Adams: Surely you can see that nobody's life, not even that of a member of the royal family, is worth a global holocaust?
- Sir Mortimer Chris: Well, I'm sorry you feel about it that way Barbara. I never took you for a pinko.
- Virgil Grodd (American Intelligence): [begins lowering his trousers] I can place my genitalia into a burning candle flame without flinching once.
- President Barbara Adams: That's a... very... useful discipline I'm sure, Mr. Grodd but I don't think we need to uh...
- Virgil Grodd (American Intelligence): I have a candle here if you'd like to see me...
- President Barbara Adams: No, Mr. Grodd - perhaps we should concentrate on the reason for which I called you in...
- President Barbara Adams: One hundred and fifty-seven warships I would call a slight overreaction to the problem, Marv!
- Gen. Mosquera: Citizens of Santa Maya. You are free from the British imperialists, and are once again citizens of Maguadora.
- [the crowd jeer. The guards cock their guns, and the crowd cheer]