Shared with you
- Man in Joan's Apartment: [emerging from bedroom half-dressed] What's breakfast?
- Joan: Egg McMuffin. Corner of Broadway and Belmont.
- Debbie: Bullshit. You don't know what love is. You've gotten everything you have always wanted and now you're feeling sorry for yourself because there's something you want and you can't have it. But you had it! I gave you love. But you asked me to leave and I left.
- [Joan reads a story at Kindergarten]
- Joan: 'And then an angel of the Lord, descended upon the Virgin Mary'
- Kid #1: What's a virgin?
- Joan: Eh? A virgin is someone who has never had sex.
- Kid #2: What's sex?
- Joan: Um, Sex - uh, sex is how men and women make babies.
- Kid #3: Are you a virgin?
- Joan: No.
- Kid #3: So, you have a baby?
- Joan: Eh, no. Men and women who don't want babies also have sex.
- Kid #3: What for?
- Joan: For about 10 or 15 minutes. 'And then an angel of the Lord... '
- Joan: So, did you have a nice evening?
- Debbie: Yes. And I crawled away in shame.
- Joan: Oh, aren't we a couple of sluts?
- [Both giggle]
- Debbie: I can't believe I slept with him on the first date!
- Joan: It wasn't even a date, Deb.
- Debbie: [rolls eyes] Thank you.
- [pauses]
- Debbie: I tell you, though. I couldn't help myself, because he is *so* gorgeous.
- Joan: But can he type?
- Bernie: I'm gonna let you guys do what you guys gotta do. Don't worry about me, I'm just gonna go home, make a little macaroni and cheese, seal the windows, and turn on the gas.
- Joan: Tomorrow you know, they're going to come at me like marauding beasts bent on destruction.
- Debbie: Stop it.
- Joan: Deborah, you work in advertising... a civilized business. I on the other hand work with monsters.
- Debbie: You're talking about 5 year olds!
- Joan: Right! and my job is to break their spirit. That is what kindergarten is all about. The Germans invented it, think about it.
- Bernie: You've got a lot of brass balls, you know that. I do all the work, you take all the credit. You know what your problem is? Your face.
- Danny: Yeah, right.
- Bernie: Come on, wise up, man, you're too good-looking. These girls go out with you and get nervous, man. They feel dumpy. They don't want to compete. They want a guy like - like me. You know, a guy that's gonna make *them* look good.
- Danny: You're right. A basic Neanderthal type.
- Bernie: Right! The swarthy type. A man's man. The kind of guy who oozes testosterone.
- Bernie: Are you getting serious? Well, she seemed like a hell of a girl. From what little I saw of her. Not too this. Not too that. Very kind of, um, what?... Ah, what the fuck, I only saw her for a minute. First impressions of this kind can often be misleading. Does she give head?
- Danny: What?
- Bernie: To you, I'm saying. Does she give head to you?
- [Silence]
- Bernie: Forget it.
- Joan: Oh god, Pat's going in for the kill. Oh my! That was a nice turn.
- Debbie: With just a hint of giddiness.
- Joan: Her big move should be coming up any moment. The combination hair flip with a giggle.
- Debbie: There is a 3.2 level of difficulty here. Joan let's see if she can pull it off.
- Joan: This is it... this is it... Oh Yes!
- Debbie: Oh Yes! Yes! Oh Bravo! Bravo! 9.0!
- Debbie: Fine. I'm gone. It's done. And you can go back to doing whatever you want to do, with whoever you want to do it, and whatever orifice you want to do it in.
- Mr. Favio: You know what you are, Martin? You're a 14-carat fuck-up, that's what you are.
- Danny: Something wrong?
- Mr. Favio: Goddamn smartmouth. Jesus, you got a mouth! You think people like that mouth? You think customers like it? Mr Big Shot. How come you didn't cut off that dump on canal street?
- Danny: The Swallow?
- Mr. Favio: Awww, I say dump and he immediately connects with the Swallow! You know what a swallow is?
- Danny: Oh let me guess, it's a bird?
- Mr. Favio: Yeah it's a bird, a loser bird, a dodo!
- Debbie: Look, you want me to make Bernie feel right at home? I'll serve him a fist full of white bread and a hunk of Velveeta. Okay?
- Danny: Hey, he is a better person than that *bitch* on wheels you've got for a friend. You know, she's been trying to sabotage us from day 1.
- Debbie: Oh, and Bernie's been really full of comfort and support. He hates my guts and I'm bustin' my ass, making a seven course meal for him.
- Joan: Look, if he forgets to call one day, no big deal; two days, it's an oversight. Honey, he hasn't called you in three days; he's sleeping with somebody else.
- Steve Carlson: I thought we had something kind of special.
- Debbie: No, it was kind of sleazy. And now... it's kind of over.
- Joan: I've been meaning to mention that it's really stupid to fuck your boss. I mean, for starters, it's a damn good way to lose your job.
- Joan: So, let me tell you about Gary. He's tall. He's nice to me. He's intelligent. And he doesn't make me sleep in the wet spot.
- Man in Joan's Apartment: [emerging from bedroom half-dressed] What's breakfast?
- Joan: Egg McMuffin. Corner of Broadway and Belmont.
- Joan: Give me a gin and tonic.
- Mother Malone: Last call was ten minutes ago...
- Joan: Give me a gin and tonic or I will kill you.
- Mother Malone: Just one.
- Bernie: So, into the the old shower we go. And does this broad have a body.
- Danny: Yeah?
- Bernie: Are you kiddin' me?
- Danny: So tell me.
- Bernie: The tits.
- Danny: Yeah?
- Bernie: The legs.
- Danny: Ass?
- Bernie: Are you fuckin' fooling' me? The ass on this broad!
- Danny: Young ass?
- Bernie: Well, yeah! A young broad, a young ass!.
- Danny: Right!
- Debbie: [on the phone] Hello?
- Danny: Hello, Debbie?
- Debbie: Who's this?
- Danny: It's Dan. Dan Martin. From last night.
- Debbie: Oh, yeah. Look, I want to talk to you about last night.
- Danny: Oh, what an amazing coincidence. That's what I'm calling about, last night.
- Debbie: Listen, I was - I was pretty drunk last night. Did anything happen?
- Danny: No, absolutely nothing. Want to do it again?
Contribute to this page
Suggest an edit or add missing content
