Desperately Seeking Susan (1985)

Laurie Metcalf: Leslie Glass

Quotes 

• Leslie : I can't believe the two of you are eating in the middle of a crisis like this.

  Gary : We're nervous, what do you want...

  Leslie : Then take a Valium like a normal person.

• Leslie : It's not that uncommon. I was reading an article last week about a woman who would turn tricks in the city from nine until noon, then shop all afternoon before going home. She did it for years before her husband found out about it.

  Gary : Roberta can't be a prostitute! She doesn't even like sex that much. It's impossible.

  Leslie : Oh my God, I have heard that 4 out of 5 prostitutes are lesbians.

  Gary : Leslie, I think that I would know if my wife was a lesbian!

  Leslie : Why? You didn't know she was a prostitute.

• Gary : Susan! What are you doing?

  Susan : I've got good news and bad news. What do you want to hear first?

  Gary : You said you were going to leave!

  Susan : Okay, good news first. Your wife isn't partners with the greaseball.

  Gary : Susan, my wife has just been picked up on the Lower East Side escaping from her gun-toting pimp!

  Susan : He's not a pimp.

  Gary : He's not a pimp?

  Leslie : Who's not a pimp?

  Susan : The bad news is that he is probably going to try to kill her because he thinks she's me.

• Roberta : Here it is, a message from Jim.

  [Reading the Personal Ads] 

  Roberta : "Desperately Seeking Susan. Keep the faith. Tuesday. 10AM. Battery Park. Gangway 1. Love, Jim"

  Leslie : Who's Jim?

  Roberta : Oh, God. Tuesday, that's tomorrow.

  Leslie : Who's Susan? You know these people?

  Roberta : No. You see, Jim follows Susan all over the country. Last January she was in Mexico City, then Seattle. They send messages back and forth. That's how they hook up. And now they're in New York. Desperate. I love that word. It's so romantic.

  Leslie : Everybody I know is desperate, except you.

  Roberta : I'm desperate.

  Leslie : You?

  [laughs] 

  Roberta : Sort of.

• Susan : I'm going to go look for the Stranger.

  [exits] 

  Gary : What Stranger?

  Larry Stillman D.D.S : God, she's gorgeous.

  Leslie : Beauty fades.

• Roberta : [reading Personal Ads]  "Beautiful stranger. Red hair. Green jumpsuit. Walking dogs in Washington Square Park. Can't forget you. Give love a chance. Blackie" I hope she gives him a chance.

  Leslie : Oh, Roberta, please! He must be some kind of a pervert! What do you think of this?

  Roberta : He could be sincere.

  Leslie : Nobody named Blackie is sincere.

• Gary : They seem to think she's having an affair.

  Leslie : Oh, my God! Maybe she is.

  Gary : That's ridiculous. Roberta is not having an affair! She's much too uptight.

  Leslie : That is a horrible thing to say! I suppose you're proud of the way you're running around with Becky Shuman.

  Gary : I didn't know you knew about Becky. Anyway, we're not running around! We're having a perfectly respectable affair.

• Leslie : Does Roberta have orgasms? I mean, did she have orgasms with you?

  Gary : What? Orgasms?

  Leslie : You have heard of them, haven't you? I mean, maybe the reason she left you was because you weren't satisfying her?

  Gary : Leslie! Not everybody is obsessed with orgasms!

• Leslie : Gary, I think you have got to accept the fact that there is something very unusual going on in your relationship.

• Leslie : A diary! That little snake. What does she say about me?