The Beiderbecke Affair (1985)

James Bolam: Trevor Chaplin

Photos 

Quotes 

• [over school dinner, discussing the attempts to frighten them] 

  Trevor Chaplin : I still think it's a lot of fuss about a dead cat.

  Jill Swinburne : *You* wouldn't have liked it.

  Trevor Chaplin : I had a noose and I didn't scream.

  Jill Swinburne : You big brave macho incredible hulk, you.

  Trevor Chaplin : I just got up on the desk and took it down.

  [Trevor chuckles] 

  Trevor Chaplin : As my mother used to say, "no noose is good noose".

  Jill Swinburne : Gordon Bennett!

  Trevor Chaplin : You don't even like cats.

  Jill Swinburne : It's not the cat. It's the death aspect.

  Trevor Chaplin : I wonder if they killed it specially, or just found it somewhere.

  Jill Swinburne : Ooh, that's awful.

  Trevor Chaplin : I'm just making a rational analysis of the situation.

  Jill Swinburne : I think it's the same sort of dead cat as they use in that.

  [Jill looks at Trevor's dinner; Trevor pushes his plate away in revulsion] 

  Jill Swinburne : I think somebody is trying to frighten us. Successfully.

  Trevor Chaplin : Mmm-hmm!

  Jill Swinburne : You're frightened?

  Trevor Chaplin : Oh yes. I only *pretend* to be brave.

  Jill Swinburne : I think I might need somebody to give me cuddle tonight.

  Trevor Chaplin : Me too.

  Jill Swinburne : See Mrs Swinburne in her classroom after school.

  Trevor Chaplin : You what? I'm not going in *her* classroom - it's full of dead cats!

  Jill Swinburne : I don't find that funny, Trevor.

  Trevor Chaplin : No. I don't suppose it was a barrel of laughs for the cat, either.

• Trevor Chaplin : Did the earth move, Darling?

  Jill Swinburne : No, but the dressing table twitched a few times.

• Trevor Chaplin : It's two years exactly...

  Jill Swinburne : Two years exactly since I dragged you into bed for the first time and slaked my lust on your body.

  Mr Carter : Education is wonderful, isn't it?

  Jill Swinburne : Yes. I wonder why we're all teachers - seems such a waste.

• Trevor Chaplin : [reads from instruction manual]  "Applicate the component A to bracket B with appropriate screwing." Have you tried that?

  Mr Carter : I daren't - not in front of the children.

• [rehearsing Jill's election address over the tannoy] 

  Trevor Chaplin : My friends, vote for Jill Swinburne. A vote for Swinburne is a vote for freedom... what's more, she's terrific in bed!

  Jill Swinburne : Give me that, you stupid pillock.

  Trevor Chaplin : Shh. The neighbours might hear.

  Jill Swinburne : How do you switch it off?

  Trevor Chaplin : You switch the switch marked "switch".

  Jill Swinburne : You've probably lost me the election.

  Trevor Chaplin : I might have *won* you the election!

• Jill Swinburne : D'you fancy going out tonight? Belated anniversary celebration.

  Trevor Chaplin : What is it? "Save the whale" or "single-parent families"?

  Jill Swinburne : I've got no kids - I can't be a single-parent family.

  Trevor Chaplin : Have you considered fostering a blue whale? Solve two problems.

• [Sergeant Hobson has warned Big Al that using the church crypt as a warehouse contravenes planning regulations] 

  Big Al : The town planners have moved in like a wolf on the fold.

  Trevor Chaplin : I believe they tend to do that.

  Big Al : If we don't get all that gear out of the church basement by the weekend, we're all pencilled-in for deportation, solitary confinement, loss of privileges, discharge with ignominy, boiling in oil... or a small fine.

  Trevor Chaplin : All that for breaking the town planning regulations?

  Big Al : I think you get a choice - I haven't studied the small-print.

• [Helen has invited Trevor for lunch to meet her parents] 

  Helen : Mother's been up half the night with her stroganoff.

  Trevor Chaplin : [flippantly]  Well, what use is money if you haven't got your health?