Terry Jones acreditado por interpretar...
Bert • Fish #6 • Mum • Priest • Biggs • Sergeant • Man with Bendy Arms • Mrs. Brown • Mr. Creosote • Maria • Leaf Father • Fiona Portland-Smythe
- Man in Pink: [singing] Whenever life gets you down Mrs. Brown / and things seem hard or tough / and people are stupid, obnoxious or daft / and you feel that you've had quite enough! / just remember that your standing on a planet thats evolving / revolving at nine-hundred miles an hour / its orbiting at ninety miles a second / so its reckoned / a sun that is the source of all our power / the sun and you and me / and all the stars that we can see / are moving at a million miles a day / in an outer spiral arm at forty-thousand miles an hour / of the galaxy we call the Milky Way / Our galaxy itself / contains a hundred billion stars / its a hundred thousand lightyears side to side / it bulges in the middle / sixteen-thousand lightyears thick / but out by us its just three-thousand lightyears wide / were thirty-thousand lightyears from galatic central point / we go round every two-hundred-million years / and our galaxy is only one of millions of billions in this amazing and expanding universe.
- [musical interlude]
- Man in Pink: The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding / in all of the directions it can whiz / as fast as it can go / the speed of light you know / twelve million miles a minute and thats the fastest speed there is / so remember when your feeling very small and insecure / how amazingly unlikely is your birth / and pray that there intelligent life somewhere up in space / cause theres bugger all down here on Earth.
- Mrs. Brown: [sigh] Makes you feel so, sort of, insignificant, doesn't it?
- Dr. Spenser: Can we have your liver, then?
- Mrs. Brown: Yes, alright, you talked me into it.
- [Large corporate boardroom filled with suited executives]
- Exec #1: Item six on the agenda: "The Meaning of Life" Now uh, Harry, you've had some thoughts on this.
- Exec #2: Yeah, I've had a team working on this over the past few weeks, and what we've come up with can be reduced to two fundamental concepts. One: People aren't wearing enough hats. Two: Matter is energy. In the universe there are many energy fields which we cannot normally perceive. Some energies have a spiritual source which act upon a person's soul. However, this "soul" does not exist ab initio as orthodox Christianity teaches; it has to be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation. However, this is rarely achieved owing to man's unique ability to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia.
- Exec #3: What was that about hats again?
- Exec #2: Oh, Uh... people aren't wearing enough.
- Exec #1: Is this true?
- Exec #4: Certainly. Hat sales have increased but not pari passu, as our research...
- Exec #3: [Interrupting] "Not wearing enough"? enough for what purpose?
- Exec #5: Can I just ask, with reference to your second point, when you say souls don't develop because people become distracted...
- [looking out window]
- Exec #5: Has anyone noticed that building there before?
- Maitre d': Good afternoon, sir, and how are we today?
- Mr. Creosote: Better.
- Maitre d': Better?
- Mr. Creosote: Better get a bucket. I'm gonna throw up.
- Strange Man: I wonder where that fish has gone!
- Transvestite: You did love it so! You looked after it like a son!
- Strange Man: [Bends perplexingly long arms]
- Strange Man: And it went... where-ever I... did go!
- Transvestite: Is it in the cupboard?
- Audience: Yes! Yes!
- Transvestite: Wouldn't you like to know? It was a lovely little fish!
- Transvestite: And it went... where-ever I... did go!
- Audience: It's behind the sofa!
- Transvestite: Where can that fish be?
- Audience: Have you searched the drawers in the bureau?
- Transvestite: [a strange, half-elephant/half-man creature wanders up out of nowhere holding a drinks tray]
- Transvestite: It was a most elusive fish.
- Strange Man: [twists the brass handles on the transvestite's corset]
- Strange Man: And it went... where-ever I... did go!
- Transvestite: Ohhh! Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish!
- Strange Man: A fish, a fish, a fish, a fishy, ohhh!
- Transvestite: Ohhh, fishy, fishy, fishy, fish!
- Strange Man: [Pulls the plug attached on the transvestite's corset]
- Strange Man: That went... where-ever I... did go!
- Audience: Look up his trunks! Yes, in his trousers!
- Maitre d': Would monsieur care for an apéritif, or would he prefer to order straight away? Today we have, uh, for appetizers: Excuse me. Mhmm. Uh, moules marinières, pâté de foie gras, beluga caviar, eggs Benedictine, tart de poireaux-- that's leek tart,-- frogs' legs amandine, or oeufs de caille Richard Shepherd-- c'est à dire, little quails' eggs on a bed of puréed mushroom. It's very delicate. Very subtle.
- Mr. Creosote: I'll have the lot.
- Maria the cleaning woman: I used to work in the Académie Française / but it didn't do me any good at all. / And I once worked in the library in the Prado in Madrid / But it didn't teach me nothing I recall. / And the Library of Congress you would have thought would hold some key / but it didn't and neither did the Bodlean Library. / In The British Museum I hoped to find some clue / I worked there from nine till six / Read every volume through / But it didn't teach me nothing about life's mystery. / I just kept getting older, it got more difficult to see. / Till eventually me eyes went and me arthritis got bad. / So now I'm cleaning up in here but I can't be really sad. / Cause you see I feel that life's a game. / You sometimes win or lose. / And though I may be down right now at least I don't work for Jews.
- Humphrey: Now, sex. Sex, sex, sex. Where were we?
- [pupils can't remember]
- Humphrey: Well, had I got as far as the penis entering the vagina?
- Pupils: Uh, no, sir. No, sir.
- Humphrey: Well, had I done foreplay?
- Pupils: Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
- Humphrey: Ah. Well, as we all know all about foreplay, no doubt you can tell me what the purpose of foreplay is. Biggs.
- Biggs: Um, don't know. Sorry, sir.
- Humphrey: Carter?
- Carter: Oh. Uh, was it taking your clothes off, sir?
- Humphrey: Well, a-and after that?
- Wymer: [Misunderstanding] Oh! Putting them on a lower peg, sir.
- [Humphrey chucks an object at Wymer for his stupidity]
- Humphrey: The purpose of foreplay is to cause the vagina to lubricate so that the penis can penetrate more easily.
- Mum: [singing] Hindu, Taoist, Mormon, Spill theirs just anywhere, But God loves those who treat their, Semen with more care...
- Maitre d': Bon, and the usual brown ales?
- Mr. Creosote: Yeah. No wait a minute... I think I can only manage six crates today.
- Mrs Brown: Do you think it's all for the good of the country?
- Organ Harvester: Nothing to do with me, Ma'am.
- Mrs Brown: You're not Doctors, then?
- Organ Harvester: Cor, lumee, no!