Mit dir geteilt
- Iola Lucille Boyland: I'm glad I put the tinsel on strand-by-strand. It gives the tree such symmetry.
- Bubba Higgins: Yeah, and it balances it out, too.
- Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Good lord, Vinton, what in the hell do you think you're doing?
- Vinton Harper: Well Mama... I'm trying to guess your weight...
- Thelma 'Mama' Harper: I've got a better idea Vinton... how about you guess which hand I'm gonna smack you upside the head with?
- [Vint bought a fishing rod instead of a bed that Naomi wanted]
- Naomi Oates Harper: Vinton Harper, I am not asking you, I am telling you. Now, take that silly thing back and bring me my bed.
- Vinton Harper: You got no right to tell me what to do, that's Mama's job!
- Thelma 'Mama' Harper: [after having been robbed by a burglar named The Courteous Crook] He's been in there! He's actually been in my bathroom!
- Iola Lucille Boyland: Did he take anything?
- Thelma 'Mama' Harper: No, he cleaned up!
- Thelma 'Mama' Harper: He even put on a new roll of toilet paper... and the right way too - from the bottom out!
- Iola Lucille Boyland: I always thought it was supposed to roll over the top...
- Thelma 'Mama' Harper: WHAT THE HELL DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?
- Ellen Jackson: Vinton, do you know what you get when you put your brain and my brain together? My brain.
- Bubba Higgins: Grandma, you've got to admit it... There's nothing like the tree to get you into that Christmas spirit.
- Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Yeah, sure, nothing gives me more comfort and joy than cleaning up pine needles for two weeks.
- Naomi Oates Harper: Magic moments between a man and a woman are spiritual and ought not to be screwed with.
- Vinton Harper: Y'know, last night was the first night that Naomi and I didn't... didn't... well, you know, we didn't...
- Aunt Fran Crowley: There goes the Guinness Book of Records.
- Bubba Higgins: Grandma doesn't give me any rights!
- Thelma 'Mama' Harper: You have the right to remain silent.
- Naomi Oates Harper: Oh, you just love to put people down, don't you, Mrs. Harper?
- Thelma 'Mama' Harper: It is not only a pleasure, I see it as my duty!
- Naomi Oates Harper: Sonja, honey, did your mama ever talk to you about boys?
- Sonja Harper: Well, she told me never to marry a locksmith.
- Thelma 'Mama' Harper: For 50 years I have been in charge of Christmas. I've jingled your bells and I've roasted your chestnuts. This Christmas you goons can just rum-pa-pum-pum without me.
- Iola Lucille Boyland: I'm glad I put the tinsel on strand-by-strand. It gives the tree such symmetry.
- Bubba Higgins: Yeah, and it balances it out, too.
- [Vint pawned Mama's silver to bail his friend, Claude Cainmaker, whom Mama despises, out of jail]
- Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Good Lord in heaven! You robbed me for that bum!
- Vinton Harper: I didn't rob anybody! And he is not a bum. He is a man of vision and integrity and belief in his fellow human beings!
- Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Well, what did he need that money for?
- Vinton Harper: Bail!
- Eunice Higgins: Why doesn't anything good ever happen to me? All I do is cook and clean!
- Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Well, hell, you can't even do that!
- Eunice Higgins: You're skatin' on thin ice old lady!
- Iola Lucille Boyland: [to Vint's boss Mr. Carstairs] I'm sure your wife will understand if you just explain it to her.
- [Mrs. Carstairs blows the car horn outside]
- Iola Lucille Boyland: Or maybe not.
- Ellen Jackson: Aunt Fran, Mama has some good news and bad news. The bad news is... there isn't any good news.
- Naomi Oates Harper: I love a Boy's Choir at Christmas.
- Thelma 'Mama' Harper: That's 'cause you've never had to sit through one.
- Vinton Harper: Getting the right message isn't easy, it could take all night.
- Thelma 'Mama' Harper: The hell you say.
- [presses record button]
- Thelma 'Mama' Harper: It's your dime, spill it!
- Naomi Oates Harper: Aren't you going to introduce your family?
- Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Not if I can help it.
- Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Well what the hell are you waiting for? Open up the door and let the good times roll...
- Thelma 'Mama' Harper: I wanna kill myself! Quick! Gimme somethin' Naomi made!
- Vinton Harper: Here, Mama. Try one of these Spam and anchovy sandwiches.
- Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Well, Buzz, I believe you've gotten taller behind my back.
- Vinton Harper: Sorry.
- Thelma 'Mama' Harper: From now on if we have any backstabbing to do were going to do it the way we have always done it face to face.
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