Tootsie (1982)

Dustin Hoffman: Michael Dorsey, Dorothy Michaels

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Quotes 

• Dorothy Michaels : Thank you, Gordon. Well, I cannot tell you all how deeply moved I am. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would be the object of so much genuine affection. It makes it all the more difficult for me to say what I'm now going to say. Yes. I do feel it's time to set the record straight. You see, I didn't come here just as an administrator, Dr. Brewster; I came to this hospital to settle an old score. Now you all know that my father was a brilliant man; he built this hospital. What you don't know is that to his family, he was an unmerciful tyrant - a absolute dodo bird. He drove my mother, his wife, to - to drink; in fact, she - uh, she she she went riding one time and lost all her teeth. The son Edward became a recluse, and the oldest daughter - the pretty one, the charming one - became pregnant when she was fifteen years old and was driven out of the house. In fact, she was so terrified that she would, uh, that, uh, that, that, that the baby daughter would bear the stigma of illegitimacy that she, she - she decided to change her name and she contracted a disfiguring disease... after moving to Tangiers, which is where she raised the, the, the little girl as her sister. But her one ambition in life - besides the child's happiness - was to become a nurse, so she returned to the States and joined the staff right here at Southwest General. Well, she worked here, she knew she had to speak out wherever she saw injustice and inhumanity. God save us, you do understand that, don't you, Dr. Brewster?

  John Van Horne : I never laid a hand on her.

  Dorothy Michaels : Yes, you did. And she was shunned by all you nurses, too... and by a, what do you call it, what do you call it, a - something like a pariah, to you doctors who found her idealistic and reckless. But she was deeply, deeply, deeply, deeply, deeply, deeply loved by her brother. It was this brother who, on the day of her death, swore to the good Lord above that he would follow in her footsteps, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just owe it all up to her. But on her terms. As a woman. And just as proud to be a woman as she ever was. For I am not Emily Kimberly, the daughter of Dwayne and Alma Kimberly. No, I'm not. I'm Edward Kimberly, the recluse brother of my sister Anthea. Edward Kimberly, who has finally vindicated his sister's good name. I am Edward Kimberly. Edward Kimberly. And I'm not mentally ill, but proud, and lucky, and strong enough to be the woman that was the best part of my manhood. The best part of myself.

• Julie : I miss Dorothy.

  Michael Dorsey : You don't have to. She's right here. And she misses you. Look, you don't know me from Adam. But I was a better man with you, as a woman... than I ever was with a woman, as a man. You know what I mean? I just gotta learn to do it without the dress. At this point, there might be an advantage to my wearing pants. The hard part's over, you know? We were already... good friends.

• Jeff : You slut!

  Michael Dorsey : Don't - don't - don't start in with me. Don't - don't do that. Rape is not a laughing matter.

• Michael Dorsey : Are you saying that nobody in New York will work with me?

  George Fields : No, no, that's too limiting. Nobody in Hollywood wants to work with you either. I can't even set you up for a commercial. You played a *tomato* for 30 seconds - they went a half a day over schedule because you wouldn't sit down.

  Michael Dorsey : Yes. It wasn't logical.

  George Fields : You were a tomato! A tomato doesn't have logic! A tomato can't move!

  Michael Dorsey : That's what I said! So if he can't move, how's he gonna sit down, George? I was a stand-up tomato: a juicy, sexy, beefsteak tomato. Nobody does vegetables like me. I did an evening of vegetables off-Broadway. I did the best tomato, the best cucumber. I did an endive salad that knocked the critics on their ass.

  George Fields : Michael, I'm trying to stay calm here. You - are a wonderful actor.

  Michael Dorsey : Thank you.

  George Fields : But, you're too much trouble. Get some therapy.

  Michael Dorsey : [quietly determined]  Okay, thanks. I'm going to raise $8,000 and I'm going to do Jeff's play.

  George Fields : Michael, you're not gonna raise 25 cents.

  [slowly] 

  George Fields : No one will hire you.

  Michael Dorsey : Oh, yeah?

  [Smash cut to Madison Avenue, with people coming and going. The focus gradually notices one woman moving forward unsteadily in high heels. She is Michael] 

• John Van Horne : I'm just an untalented old has-been.

  Dorothy Michaels : Were you ever famous?

  John Van Horne : No.

  Dorothy Michaels : Then how can you be a has-been?

• [ad-libbing on day time television] 

  Dorothy Michaels : Dr Brewster tried to seduce several nurses in this unit, claiming to be the throes of an uncontrollable impulse. Do you know what? I'm going to give every nurse on this floor an electric cattle prod and instruct them to just zap them in his badubies!

• Michael Dorsey : You should have seen the look on her face when she thought I was a lesbian.

  George Fields : "Lesbian"? You just said gay.

  Michael Dorsey : No, no, no - SANDY thinks I'm gay, JULIE thinks I'm a lesbian.

  George Fields : I thought Dorothy was supposed to be straight?

  Michael Dorsey : Dorothy IS straight. Tonight Les, the sweetest, nicest man in the world asked me to marry him.

  George Fields : A guy named Les wants YOU to marry him?

  Michael Dorsey : No, no, no - he wants to marry Dorothy.

  George Fields : Does he know she's a lesbian?

  Michael Dorsey : Dorothy's NOT a lesbian.

  George Fields : I know that, does HE know that?

  Michael Dorsey : Know WHAT?

  George Fields : That, er, I... I don't know.

• Sandy : OK, wish me luck.

  Michael Dorsey : Fuck you.

  Sandy : Thank you.

  Michael Dorsey : Fuck you.

  Sandy : Thank you.

  Michael Dorsey : Go!

  Sandy : God bless you.

• Ron Carlisle : Take ten, Tootsie.

  Dorothy Michaels : Ron? I have a name it's Dorothy. It's not Tootsie or Toots or Sweetie or Honey or Doll.

  Ron Carlisle : Oh, Christ.

  Dorothy Michaels : No, just Dorothy. Alan's always Alan, Tom's always Tom and John's always John. I have a name too. It's Dorothy, capital D-O-R-O-T-H-Y. Dorothy.

• Ron Carlisle : Gosh I'm afraid you're not right for this role though, honey, thanks for coming by.

  Dorothy Michaels : Why am I not right, Mister Carlisle?

  Ron Carlisle : I'm trying to make a certain statement here and I'm looking for a specific physical type.

  Dorothy Michaels : Mr. Carlisle, I'm an actress. I'm a character actress. I can play it any way you want. Can't you give me any idea what you're looking for?

  Ron Carlisle : Honey, I'm sure that you're a very, very good actress. It's just that you're a little too soft and genteel, you're not threatening enough.

  Dorothy Michaels : Not threatening enough? How's this, you take your hands off me or I'll knee your balls right through the roof of your mouth! Is that enough of a threat?

  Ron Carlisle : [shaken]  It's a start.

  Dorothy Michaels : Yes, I think I know what y'all really want. You want some gross caricature of a woman to prove some idiotic point, like power makes a woman masculine, or that masculine women are ugly. Well shame on the woman who lets you do that, on ANY woman that lets you do that.

  [to Rita] 

  Dorothy Michaels : And that means you, dear, Miss Marshall.

  [turning back to Ron] 

  Dorothy Michaels : Shame unto you! Macho shithead.

  [storms off] 

  Rita : Jesus!

  Ron Carlisle : What is so idiotic about power making a woman masculine?

  [reconsidering when he sees Rita] 

  Ron Carlisle : Not that that was my point...

• Dorothy Michaels : [Reading aloud from a script while watching April doing exercises in her underwear]  What kind of mother would I be if I didn't give my girls tits - tips? It's tips.

  [smiles] 

  Dorothy Michaels : Tips.

• Michael Dorsey : You know, I could lay a big line on you and we could do a lot of role-playing, but the simple truth is, is that I find you very interesting and I'd really like to make love to you.

• George Fields : Where do you come off sending me your roommate's play for you to star in? I'm your agent, not your mother! I'm not supposed to find plays for you to star in - I'm supposed to field offers! And that's what I do!

  Michael Dorsey : 'Field offers?' Who told you that, the Agent Fairy? That was a significant piece of work - I could've been terrific in that part.

  George Fields : Michael, nobody's gonna do that play.

  Michael Dorsey : Why?

  George Fields : Because it's a downer, that's why. Because nobody wants to produce a play about a couple that moved back to Love Canal.

  Michael Dorsey : But that actually happened!

  George Fields : WHO GIVES A SHIT? Nobody wants to pay twenty dollars to watch people living next to chemical waste! They can see that in New Jersey!

• Michael Dorsey : Aren't we still friends?

  Sandy : No, we are not friends. I don't take this shit from friends. Only from lovers.

• Ron Carlisle : You don't like me, do you? Now, I can respect that. There's not many women that I can't make like me. Why don't you like me?

  Dorothy Michaels : I don't like the way you treat Julie. I don't like the way you patronize her. I don't like the way you deceive her. I don't like the way you lie to her.

  Ron Carlisle : What do you mean?

  Dorothy Michaels : You want me to go on?

  Ron Carlisle : No, no. I know what you mean.

• Michael Dorsey : She thinks I'm gay, i told her about Julie and she thinks I'm gay!

  George Fields : Julie thinks your gay?

  Michael Dorsey : No, my friend Sandy.

  George Fields : Sleep with her, and she'll...

  Michael Dorsey : I slept with her once she's still thinks I'm gay!

  George Fields : Oh... thats no good, Michael.

• Michael Dorsey : [Sandy has seen Michael going into his apartment dressed as Dorothy, and she thinks this means he's having an affair with a woman]  Sandy, I'm not having an affair with the woman who went into my apartment earlier, alright? It's impossible.

• Jeff : I'm just afraid that you're going to burn in Hell for all this.

  Michael Dorsey : I don't believe in hell. I believe in unemployment, but I don't believe in hell.

• Julie : [answering phone]  Hello?

  Dorothy Michaels : That's a corncob.

• Jeff : [Michael's half dressed as Dorothy, getting ready for a dinner with Julie]  What do you mean you don't have anything to wear?

  Michael Dorsey : She has seen me in all of these!

  Jeff : She hasn't seen you in that white dress.

  Michael Dorsey : What, this?

  [holds up a formal white dress] 

  Jeff : Yeah.

  Michael Dorsey : You cannot wear white to a casual dinner. It's too dressy.

  Jeff : Can't you wear pants?

  Michael Dorsey : Pants?

  [pats the fake butt he's wearing then wags his finger No] 

  Jeff : What about this thing?

  [holds up a striped dress] 

  Michael Dorsey : No. I don't have the right shoes for it, I don't like the way the horizontal lines make me look too hippy, and it cuts me across the bust.

  Jeff : [slight pause]  I think we're getting into a weird area here.

• Julie : I know I'm pretty and I use it. I just guess I shouldn't have gone to Dr. Brewster's office so late.

  Dorothy Michaels : Well, no, that's not true. You know, Dr. Brewster has tried to seduce several nurses on this ward, always claiming to be in the throes of an uncontrollable impulse. Do you know what?

  Ron Carlisle : Uh-oh.

  Dorothy Michaels : I think I'm gonna give every nurse on this floor an electric cattle prod, and just instruct them to just *zap* him in his badoobies.

  Julie : [Tries, unsuccessfully, to hold back a giggle] 

  Ron Carlisle : Cattle prod?

  Dorothy Michaels : Ruby? Hi, you wanna open the Yellow Pages under the section, Farm Equipment Retail...

• Michael Dorsey : [arguing after revealing he loves another woman]  I never said I love you. You're one of the dearest friends I've ever had, but let's not pretend that we're something we're not, or we're gonna lose everything we have!

  Sandy : I never said I love you, I don't care about I love you! I read "The Second Sex", I read "The Cinderella Complex", I'm responsible for my own orgasm, I don't care! I just don't like to be lied to!

• George Fields : OK, I know this is going to disgust you, Michael, but a lot of people are in this business to make money.

  Michael Dorsey : You make it out like I'm some flake, George. I am in this business to make money, too.

  George Fields : Really?

  Michael Dorsey : Yes!

  George Fields : The Harlem Theatre for the Blind? Strindberg in the Park? The People's Workshop in Syracuse?

  Michael Dorsey : OK, now wait a minute. I did nine plays in eight months up in Syracuse. I happened to get great reviews from the New York critics, not that that's why I did it.

  George Fields : Oh, of course not. God forbid you should lose your standing as a cult failure.

• Sandy : A guy named Les is sending you flowers?

  Michael Dorsey : Yes. He's a friend of mine. He can't eat candy. He's diabetic.

  Sandy : Why is he thanking you for a lovely night in front of the fire.

  Michael Dorsey : [long pause]  My minds a blank.

  Sandy : Micheal, are you gay?

  Michael Dorsey : In what sense?

• George Fields : You are psychotic!

  Michael Dorsey : No, I'm not, I'm employed.

• Les : [after falling for Dorothy, he discovers she's a man]  Why'd you do it?

  Michael Dorsey : I needed the work.

  Les : The only reason you're still breathing is because I never kissed you.

• Jeff : Mike, I really appreciate you're doing this, but - it is just for the money, isn't it? It's not - just so you can wear these little outfits?

  Michael Dorsey : I'm not even gonna answer that. It also happens to be one of the great acting challenges an actor could have.

• Dorothy Michaels : Les, I think there's something I've got to say.

  Les : There's something I want to say, too. Wouldn't it be funny if we both wanted to say the same thing?

  Dorothy Michaels : That *would* be hilarious, but I don't think that what I have to say is what you have to say.

• John Van Horne : [finishing his drink]  Dorothy, I want you.

  Dorothy Michaels : I beg your pardon?

• Michael Dorsey : [fussing over selecting an outfit for dinner]  This is our first date, I just want to look pretty for her.

• Michael Dorsey : [helping Sandy to get in the mood for her lines]  You're a second rate actress.

  Sandy : [Sandy turns back and glares]  I said good day!

  Michael Dorsey : Gettin' there.

  Sandy : Did you feel how much I hated you?

  Michael Dorsey : Yes, in fact, why do you think I'm leaving?

  [Michael gets up, starts putting on his coat] 

  Sandy : Wait a minute! You can't leave! How am I gonna get it back tomorrow? I can't ask a total stranger to enrage me!

  Michael Dorsey : What time's your audition?

  Sandy : Eleven.

  Michael Dorsey : Ok, I'll pick you up at ten and enrage you.

• Michael Dorsey : You're worried about the audition tomorrow, aren't you?

  Sandy : No I'm not worried about that audition.

  Michael Dorsey : Why? Why are you so worried?

  Sandy : Because I'm not gonna get it, I'm not gonna get it, because I'm completely wrong for it

  Michael Dorsey : Why, what kind of a part is it?

  Sandy : [pause]  A *WOMAN*!

• Mrs. Crawley, Amy's Nanny : Miss Nichols.

  Dorothy Michaels : Oh, my stars!

  Julie : Dorothy, this is Mrs. Crowley. She helps me with Amy.

  Mrs. Crawley, Amy's Nanny : THAT CHILD WILL NEVER LEARN ANYTHING IF...

  Julie : Thank you, Mrs. Crowley.

  [whispering, to Dorothy] 

  Julie : She scares the shit out of me.

• Michael Dorsey : [Michael wonders what explanation he'll give Sandy about how he raised the money to make Jeff's play]  What am I gonna tell her, somebody died and left it to me?

  Sandy : [cut to Sandy]  Oh my god, when did she die?

• Dorothy Michaels : [John Van Horn is serenading her from the street after a stressful night]  Are you out of your cotton pickin' mind? I'm on the third floor. Come on up, before somebody calls the cops. Jesus!

• Michael Dorsey : I don't like the way he condescends to me either. He calls me "sweetheart", calls me "honey". He doesn't even know my name. He calls her "baby". He pushed me around today. I'm telling you, If I didn't have the dress on, I would've kicked his arrrogant ass in.

• Michael Dorsey : Why didn't bring enough money for cab fare?

  Sandy : That's okay, it's cheaper getting mugged.

• Les : I'm dating a really nice lady now.

  Michael Dorsey : Oh, you are?

  Les : [stares at him]  Do you think I didn't check her out first?

• Dorothy Michaels : You know, he's such a tickly-wickly! You've never been that ticklish before.

• George Fields : Terry Bishop is on a soap opera. Millions of people watch him every day. He's known.

  Michael Dorsey : And that qualifies him to ruin 'Iceman Cometh'?

• Michael Dorsey : What's wrong with me? I'll tell you what's wrong with me. What's wrong with me: it is very depressing to be disagreed with.

• Michael Dorsey : [dressed as Dorothy]  It's Michael Dorsey, okay? Your favorite client. How are you? Last time you got me a job I was a tomato... .

  George Fields : Oh, no, no, no...

  Michael Dorsey : Yeah. Swear to God.

  George Fields : Michael?

  Michael Dorsey : Yeah.

  George Fields : Oh, God! I begged you to get some therapy.

• Michael Dorsey : [to Jeff]  See this lingerie? You know what it costs? And the makeup? I don't know how a woman could keep herself attractive and not starve these days?

• Michael Dorsey : [to Jeff]  Those women were like animals! I saw this one beautiful handbag that was on sale, but I was too frightened to fight for it. I mean, they're vicious. They kill their own. The woman that finally bought this handbag, I know did time. Now I don't have a decent handbag.

• Dorothy Michaels : [reading the script]  Oh, my goodness!

  April Page : What's wrong?

  Dorothy Michaels : I have to kiss Dr. Brewster!

  April Page : Oh, yeah. He kisses all the women on the show. We call him "The Tongue".

• Michael Dorsey : I think Dorothy's smarter than I am. I just wish I looked prettier, you know? I look in the mirror and - maybe I can just get a softer - hair or something, because she deserves it.

• Julie : You mind if I ask you a question? Do you worry about using so much heavy make-up on your skin all the time?

  Dorothy Michaels : No. I don't worry. I have a little - mustache problem I'm real sensitive to. Probably just too many male hormones or something.

  Julie : Well, some men find that attractive.

  Dorothy Michaels : I know, I know. I just don't like the men that find it attractive.

• Julie : Listen, you don't think I do this without a plan, do you?

  Dorothy Michaels : What do you mean?

  Julie : There are a lot of men out there. I'm selective. I look around very carefully. And when I find the one I think can give me the worst possible time, that's when I make my move.

• Autograph Hound : Don't be so hard on Dr. Brewster. He's only mean, because he's so insecure.

  Dorothy Michaels : Well, I have to be tough on him, because he just wants my body.

  Autograph Hound : Dorothy, you're so bad.

• Dorothy Michaels : Why do you drink so much?

  Julie : Because it's not fattening, and it's not good for me. How many things can you say that about?

• Dorothy Michaels : Why do you drink so much?

  Julie : When you grow up the way I did, an orphan raised by a sister 16 years older, you got few illusions.

• Julie : Truthfully, don't you find being a woman in the '80s complicated?

  Dorothy Michaels : Extremely.

• Julie : You know what I wish, just once?

  Dorothy Michaels : What?

  Julie : That a guy could be honest enough just to walk right up to me and say, "Hey, listen, you know, I'm confused about this too. I could lay a big line on you, we could do a lot of role-playing. But the simple truth is, I find you very interesting, and I'd really like to make love with you." Simple as that. Wouldn't that be a relief?

  Dorothy Michaels : Heaven. Sheer heaven.

• Michael Dorsey : Do you know where my night gown is? You know, the pink one. The one with the flower?

• Michael Dorsey : I feel I have something to say to women. Something meaningful.

  George Fields : Listen to me, Michael. You have nothing to say to women.

  Michael Dorsey : That's not true! I've plenty to say to women! I've been an unemployed actor for 20 years, George. You know that. I know what it's like to sit by the phone waiting for - waiting for it to ring. And when I finally get a job, I have no control! Everybody else has the power, and I got zip! If I could impart that experience to other women like me...

  George Fields : You got to listen to me, Michael! There are no other women like you. You're a man!

  Michael Dorsey : Yes, I realize that, of course. But I'm also an actress.

• Michael Dorsey : I'm a potentially great actress. I could do Medea. I could do Ophelia. I could do Lady Macbeth, just like they did in Shakespeare's days.

• Sandy : Since when does Jeff start collaborating on his play?

  Michael Dorsey : She's an old friend. She happens to be an excellent typist.

• Les : I can remember years ago, there was none of this talk about what a woman was, what a man was. You just were what you were. And now they have all this stuff about how much you should be like the other sex, so you can be all more the same. Well, I'm sorry, but we're just not, you know.

  Dorothy Michaels : Right.

  Les : Not on a farm, anyway. Bulls are bulls, and roosters don't try to lay eggs.

  Dorothy Michaels : Never.

• Michael Dorsey : Where's my make-up kit?

  Jeff : How long are you gonna keep lying to Sandy like this?

  Michael Dorsey : Oh, come on. It's for her own good. I never told Sandy that I wouldn't see other women. Come on. And If, you know, I did tell her, it would only hurt her feelings, and I don't want to hurt her feelings. Especially since Julie and I are just - girlfriends.

• Les : I thought you'd be more like one of those, you know, one of them "liberators".

  Dorothy Michaels : Oh, well, you know, I'm not really like the woman you see on the show. I mean, that's just a part. I'm not all that militant.

  Les : Don't get me wrong. I'm all for this equal business. I think women ought to be entitled to have everything and all, et cetera. Except - sometimes I think what they really want is to be entitled to be men. Like men are all equal in the first place - which we're not.

  Dorothy Michaels : No.

• Julie : I remember her helping me pick out this wallpaper. I'd chosen one with great big, purple flowers on it. And she said to me, "Just remember that once you choose it, it's gonna cover the walls of your room for a long, long time." So I tried to imagine what those big, purple flowers were gonna look like on all the walls of my room every night when I was falling asleep and every morning when I was getting dressed. So I said to her, "Which one would you choose, Mom?" And she said, "The one with the daisies and the little rosebuds, because daisies are such homey flowers and rosebuds are so cheerful and always waiting to bloom."

  Dorothy Michaels : That's lovely.

  Julie : I made a million plans looking at this wallpaper. I was always waiting for these rosebuds to open.

• Dorothy Michaels : Here, look at yourself. You see what a bad girl looks like?

• Julie : You wouldn't live this kind of lie, would you?

  Dorothy Michaels : Well, no, I wouldn't.

• Julie : What the hell. I'll live, won't I? Maybe not happily, but honestly. Sounds like something you'd say.

  Dorothy Michaels : Julie, you mustn't idealize me. Honesty, in many ways, is a relative term.

• Ron Carlisle : Look at it from my side. See, if a woman wants me to seduce her - I usually do. But then she starts pretending like I promised her something. Then I start pretending like I promised her something. I mean, in the end, I'm the one that's exploited.

  Dorothy Michaels : *Bull*shit, Ron! You know what? I understand you a lot better than you think I do.

• Julie : Dorothy, it's me.

  Dorothy Michaels : No, it's me.

  Julie : No, it's me.

  Dorothy Michaels : No, it's me.

  Julie : Not, it's me. I'm just not well-adjusted enough.

• John Van Horne : I'm just an untalented old has-been.

  Dorothy Michaels : Were you ever famous?

  John Van Horne : No.

  Dorothy Michaels : Then how can you be a has-been?

• Dorothy Michaels : You see, I'm not the person you think I am.

• Julie : I'm sure I've got the same impulses. I mean, obviously, I did have the same impulses.

  Dorothy Michaels : Don't jump to conclusions about that impulse. That impulse is a good impulse, Julie. If you could just see me out of these clothes...

• Julie : My God! No, please, don't say anything.

  Dorothy Michaels : But there's a reason.

  Julie : I understand the reason.

  Dorothy Michaels : No, no. That reason is not the reason.

• John Van Horne : I want you.

  Dorothy Michaels : I beg your pardon?

  John Van Horne : I've never wanted a woman this much!

  [grabs Dorothy] 

  Dorothy Michaels : Oh, please, John! Please! Perhaps another time.

  John Van Horne : Turn me away, it'll kill me!

  Dorothy Michaels : It's not you personally. I don't want to get involved emotionally at this time.

  John Van Horne : Then I'll take straight sex.

  Dorothy Michaels : I don't wanna hurt you!

  John Van Horne : I don't mind.

• Michael Dorsey : Oh, please, tell me what can I do for you?

  Sandy : There's nothing you can do for me. I just have to feel like this, until I don't feel like this anymore, and you're gonna have to know that you're the one that made me feel this way.

• Michael Dorsey : I like Julie. I think I love Julie.

  Les : Wearing a dress is a funny way to show it.