P'tang, Yang, Kipperbang (1982 TV Movie)

John Albasiny: Alan Duckworth

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Alan : When I walk past your desk, I breathe in on purpose to smell your skin. It's the most beautiful smell there is.

  Ann : It's only Yardley's.

• Alan : Bums are nothing really - everyone's got a bum. Always have had - they're nothing to be ashamed of. Dicks aren't either - everyone's got a dick. It's only the human torso. Tits included - I mean they're just for feeding babies with, deep down, not for bouncing about. The same goes for getting a feel. Kissing's different. A kiss is...

  Tommy : Girls like it as well, you know.

  Alan : Like what?

  Tommy : What boys like... and some of them bloody love it.

  Alan : I'm not talking about just French girls.

  Tommy : [knowingly]  Aye, I'm not either.

• [Abbo and Shaz are helping Alan learn his lines. They come to the line where Alan's character kisses Ann's character] 

  Alan : [quoting line from play]  "I have seen the light of truth in what's happened and the light of love in your fiancée's eyes - love for me."

  Abbo : Then you stride over to her, take her in your arms and... bleeeeugh!

  [Abbo pretends to vomit] 

  Shaz : Puke and vomitudinosty!

  Abbo : Spewosity upthrow!

  Alan : [echoing Ann's comment to him earlier]  That's stupid, that. Long drivel words that don't mean anything.

  [Alan walks off in disgust] 

  Shaz : He's getting more like my Auntie Phyllis every day.

  Abbo : It's the strain of learning his lines.

  Shaz : Either that or he's been overdoing it.

  [Abbo looks horrified] 

  Abbo : Overdoing it can't make you go like you Auntie Phyllis, can it?

• [in bed, praying as he wakes up from an erotic dream about Ann] 

  Alan : Please God. Let it be today. Somehow, let it come true today. I know Thursdays are difficult for you, what with the girls having double Domestic Science while we're in double PT. But it's just somehow... I don't think I can last out another day. And in return I promise, I hereby solemnly promise that I won't even *think* about... the other things. Well, *try* not to think about the other things. I didn't all day yesterday, or last night when I got into bed. And I'm not now, honest to God, God.

  [he takes his hands out from under the bedclothes to prove that he's not been masturbating] 

  Alan : Look, no hands. Please God. Today or tomorrow - or early next week at the latest, weather permitting. Just *one* kiss. One'll do. Amen. And I'll never ask for anything again. Promise.

• [as he is walking to school, Alan flamboyantly bowls an imaginary cricket ball, and pulls a muscle. As he hops around in agony he sees two workmen watching him] 

  Alan : Aaaargh! It's cramp! Bloody hell-fire and scrotums.

  Road Worker : Millions of pounds on education.

  Road Worker : It'll be with him living under the shadow of the Bomb, I expect.