Eric Idle en el papel de...
Michelangelo • Brewer • First Bruce • First Judge • 'World Forum' Host • Arthur Nudge • Socrates • First Yorkshireman • Mr. Smoketoomuch • Husband • Lumberjack
- Michelangelo: Good evening, Your Holiness.
- The Pope: Evening, Michelangelo. I want to talk to you about this painting of yours, The Last Supper. I'm not happy about it.
- Michelangelo: Oh, dear. It took me hours.
- The Pope: Not happy at all.
- Michelangelo: Is it the jello you don't like?
- The Pope: No.
- Michelangelo: It does add a bit of colour, doesn't it. Oh, I know, you don't like the kangaroo.
- The Pope: What kangaroo?
- Michelangelo: No problem, I'll paint him out.
- The Pope: I never saw a kangaroo.
- Michelangelo: Uh, he's right at the back. No sweat, I'll make him into a disciple. All right?
- The Pope: That's the problem.
- Michelangelo: What is?
- The Pope: The disciples.
- Michelangelo: Are they too Jewish? I made Judas the most Jewish.
- The Pope: No, it's just that there are 28 of them.
- First Bruce: They're a typical Hollywood audience. All the kids are on drugs and all the adults are on roller skates.
- First Yorkshireman: Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our graves.
- Fourth Yorkshireman: But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't believe ya'.
- Mr. Smoketoomuch: Good morning!
- Travel agency secretary: Oh, good morning! Have you come to arrange a holiday or would you like a blowjob?
- Michelangelo: I'll tell you what you want! You want a bloody photographer! That's what *you* want!
- The Pope: [Gets off his throne and approaches Michelangelo] I'll tell you what I want! I want a Last Supper with *one* Christ, *twelve* disciples, no kangaroos, no... trampoline acts, by Thursday lunch, or you don't get paid!
- Michelangelo: Bloody fascist! Bloody C of E!
- The Pope: [Runs him off] I am the bloody Pope, aren't I?
- [to the crowd]
- The Pope: I may not know much about art, but I know what I like.
- Barrister 1: I did my whole, "Serious offense" bit and then I waggled me wig!
- Husband: You did what?
- Barrister 1: I waggled me wig!
- [the Philosophers' Drinking Song]
- First Bruce: Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable / Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table / David Hume could outconsume Schopenhauer and Hegel / And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schlossed as Schlegel / There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raisin' of the wrist / Socrates himself was permanently pissed / And John Stuart Mill, of his own free will, on a half a pint of shandy was particularly ill / Plato, they say, could stick it away - half a pint of whiskey, every day / Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle / Hobbes was fond of his dram / And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am!" / Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed... / a lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed.
- Arthur Nudge: Does your, eh, does your wife a goer? Eh? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Nudge, nudge, know what I mean? Say no more.
- Man with hat: I - I beg your pardon.
- Arthur Nudge: Your, eh, your wife. Does she go? Eh? Does she go? Eh, eh?
- Man with hat: Well, she sometimes has to go. Oh yes, of course.
- Arthur Nudge: I bet she does. I bet she does! Say no more, say no more. Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge.
- Man with hat: I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.
- Arthur Nudge: Oh! Follow me, follow me. That's good. That's very good. A nudge as good as a wink to a blind bat.
- Man with hat: Are you selling something?
- Arthur Nudge: Selling? Selling? Very good, in deed. You're wicked, you are. Eh? Wicked! Eh? Woo-woo! Wooo! Wicked! Say no more!
- Man with hat: Are you insinuating something?
- Arthur Nudge: Oh! Oh, no, no. Yes!
- Man with hat: Well?
- Arthur Nudge: Well, I mean, you're a - you're a man of the world squire. You've, eh, you've been around, you know.
- Man with hat: What do you mean?
- Arthur Nudge: Well, I mean, like, you've a - you know, you like, eh, you've done it, you know. You've, eh, *slept* - with a lady.
- Man with hat: Yes.
- Arthur Nudge: What's it like?
- Lumberjack, Best Girl, Mountie, Mountie, Mountie, Mountie, Mountie: [singing] I'm a lumberjack, And I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day
- Lumberjack: I cut down trees, I wear high heels, Suspenders, And a bra, I wish I'd been a girlie, Just like my dear Papa...
- Lumberjack, Best Girl, Mountie, Mountie, Mountie, Mountie, Mountie: [singing] I'm a lumberjack, And I'm O.K., I sleep all night, And I work all day
- Lumberjack: I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers, I put on women's clothing, And hang around in bars...
- Mr. Smoketoomuch: Every Thursday night there's bloody Cabaret in the bar, featuring some tiny emaciated Dago with nine inch hips and some fat bloated tart with her hair Brylcreemed down with a big ass presenting flamenco for foreigners.