A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy (1982)

Woody Allen: Andrew

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Quotes 

• Andrew : Sex alleviates tension and love causes it.

• Andrew : It's nothing serious - just an arrow in his heart.

• Ariel : How's your marriage?

  Andrew : My marriage is fine.

  Ariel : Ya?...

  Andrew : It's not working but it's fine.

• Ariel : He taught me a lot...

  Andrew : Like what?

  Ariel : Like how to listen to Mozart.

  Andrew : With your ears, right?

• Maxwell : I'm a doctor and I believe in the spirit world.

  Andrew : Oh, you have to, Maxwell, that's where all your patients end up.

• Andrew : He's a wonderful guy and a terrific doctor. Never lost a patient. Got a couple of them pregnant, but never lost one.

• Andrew : I'm not a poet. I don't die for love. I work on Wall Street.

• Maxwell : I never felt like this. The moment I smelled her I loved her.

  Andrew : Well, smell someone else. She's taken.

• Adrian : [Referring to sex]  I can't! It's disgusting!

  Andrew : How can it be disgusting? I don't even have my clothes off.

• Andrew : Dulcy's cute, Maxwell. What is she? Twelve years old? Thirteen? What?

  Maxwell : She's twice that, Andrew! She's very experienced. She couldn't keep her hands off of me on the way up here.

  Andrew : Oh, Jesus, when are you gonna grow up? You're like one of those creatures in Greek mythology who's half-goat.

  Maxwell : You only live once, Andrew, you know that.

• Ariel : Andrew, we'll get killed!

  Andrew : No, no. Don't be silly. Trust me, it's me, Andrew... Trust me anyhow.

• Andrew : Only a drunken, infantile idiot shoots himself over love, not an internist.

• Leopold : I had the privilege of escorting Ariel through the Sistine Chapel for the first time in her life and explaining to her exactly why Michelangelo's ceiling was indeed great.

  Ariel : When Raphael first laid eyes on it, he fainted.

  Andrew : Had he eaten?

• Andrew : Adrian, this is the kitchen table. What are you doing?

  Adrian : Making...

  Andrew : We cannot have intercourse where we eat oatmeal!

• Maxwell : Andrew, are you all right?

  Andrew : Maxwell, I think I fractured my last remaining nose

  Maxwell : You shouldn't fly. You're a mammal.

  Andrew , Maxwell : Thank you, Maxwell. A doctor with a license is no smarter.

  Maxwell : He never tires of insulting me, but when he's sick...

  Andrew : Yeah? Who overcharges me?

  Maxwell : But you always get well, don't you, Andrew?

  Andrew : I would get well anyhow, Maxwell, even without the leeches.

• Leopold : So, you're an inventor, hey?

  Andrew : Crackpot inventor...

  Adrian : Andrew's invented a wedding present for you and Ariel. Tell 'em about that.

  Andrew : It's a silly apparatus that takes the bones out of fish, and if you prefer, although there's no point to it, it puts bones in fish.

• Ariel : You showed me your latest invention.

  Andrew : Of course, my musical house slippers. Remember that?

• Andrew : You, I have to take to a hypnotist.

  Adrian : Why?

  Andrew : Why? So we can start making love again. Of course, you'd be in trance. But, that's okay!

  Adrian : That's a horrible thing to say.

• Andrew : She's loved me from the first day I took her to a baseball game!

• Andrew : Oh, Adrian, I'm still spinning. That was - that was a deeply religious experience on that tabletop.

  Adrian : Oh, you - it's only the beginning, you know. You wait till everyone's gone. I'll show you what Dulcy calls the Mexican Cartwheel.

  Andrew : Really? That sounds incredibly filthy.

  Adrian : It is!

  Andrew : Is it? Good, I can't wait.

  Adrian : So, can you forgive me?

  Andrew : Forgive you? I can ordain you this evening. You've cleared my sinuses for the summer.

• Andrew : I wonder if geniuses have problems with their sex lives.

• Adrian : You know, Maxwell, I don't know where he comes up with some of these women.

  Andrew : Well, you know, Maxwell, he's a doctor; so, these poor women are in the tubercular ward, they show him gratitude.

  Adrian : Yeah, well, don't think I don't notice you - you leering at his buxom little weekend guests.

  Andrew : I leer! I admit it! I look. I leer. I salivate. I salivated the day that I met you!

• Andrew : You never have any interests in getting married? Right?

  Maxwell : I don't stick around long enough to fall in love, Andrew. You know what I'm like. Marriage for me is the death of hope.

• Adrian : She's very free-thinking and forward, isn't she?

  Andrew : Who? Ariel Weymouth?

  Adrian : No, Dulcy. She seems to give off animal vibrations.

  Andrew : No, she's a nurse, you know.

  Adrian : Well, not every nurse is sexy.

  Andrew : But, they're very knowledgable about the body. You know, they know exactly how all the organs function; so, they're wonderful.

  Adrian : Maybe I should ask for lessons?

  Andrew : [enthusiastically]  You know, I bet she'd be willing to answer any questions you might have.

  Adrian : I was just joking. You think I need lessons?

• Andrew : Do you have any idea how much I lusted after you?

  Ariel : Well, why didn't you do something? I wanted you to!

  Andrew : You were this diplomat's daughter, raised by nuns, you know, I was shy! We were not in love. It was pure animal lust!

  Ariel : That's just what I was in the mood for.

  Andrew : I know, I know I missed an opportunity. I regretted it ever since. You know, that's the saddest thing in life, a missed opportunity. That was particularly rotten in this case; because, after you left, a month after you went to Europe, I learned, only then, that you were and had been sleeping with everyone. Everyone!

  Ariel : Not everyone! Well, maybe it was everyone.

  Andrew : I wouldn't have been the first. I would have been the twenty-first. Writers! Bankers! Poets! The entire infield of the Chicago White Sox.

  Ariel : You have to admit, I wasn't one of your shrinking, mousy, inhibited little virgins.

  Andrew : No, that's the understatement of the century.

  Ariel : What did you want me to do? Take charge? You didn't act like you wanted anything.

  Andrew : Well, I was used to slower women!

• Adrian : You were fishing with Ariel for such a long time.

  Andrew : So? I couldn't get the fish to bite, that's all. What am I gonna do?

• Andrew : You just lust after her, that's all. You're not in love with her. You want to sleep with her.

  Maxwell : How could anyone just want to sleep with such a dream? Not that I don't. She's hot! She's very hot.

  Andrew : I know.

  Maxwell : You know, the ones that are incredible in bed are ones that are raised in a convent.

  Andrew : Maxwell, do me a favor. Go play with your butterfly net.

• Andrew : All right, now I know my flying bicycle won't handle that weight, that's all.

  Ariel : We could have been killed!

  Andrew : Not killed. Not killed. Crippled! Here, here. You're shaking.

  Ariel : That lake is cold.

  Andrew : You're shivering. Come on, you're shaking. You know, you're wet.

  Ariel : I know I'm wet!

• Adrian : Where will you settle after you marry?

  Leopold : I've taken a townhouse near the University. I can't wait for Ariel to meet the professors and their wives. Already I'm the envy of entire faculty. You'll adore Professor Eddy and his wife. They're a very entertaining couple with a kind of a theme to their marriage. You see, he specializes in Dr. Johnson and she teaches Boswell. So, they're an entertaining, amusing couple and I look forward to many wonderful chats.

  Adrian : Well, to wonderful chats and Boswell and Johnson and Leopold and Ariel and this summer night and you two, of course...

  Dulcy : And Maxwell.

  Adrian : And to Dr. Maxwell Jordan.

  Andrew : Doctor of high jinks!

  Leopold : Of course, to Adrian and Andrew.

• Andrew : Nobody plans these things, Maxwell, they just happen. You gotta be a little mature.

  Maxwell : Mature?

  Andrew : That's right.

  Maxwell : I'll show you what mature is. You're a backstabbing little runt!

• Adrian : It was a perfect moon lite summer night. He put his hands on my breasts and my blood just started to boil and afterwards I've never been able to rid myself of the guilt.

  Andrew : But, you enjoyed it?

  Adrian : Oh, yeah, definitely! It was hot!